Hey Brooke – Are You Ready For Some Football??!!

Hulk Hogan’s daughter makes new career move

HOLLYWOOD , CALIF. – May 4, 2008 - Brooke Hogan, daughter of wrestling superstar Hulk Hogan, showed up at a Hollywood nightclub Sunday so spaced on cocaine and Ecstasy, she thought she had landed the job of middle linebacker for an NFL football team.

 

Wearing a brown football jersey at the Key Club on Sunset Boulevard, Brooke told everybody who would listen that she had been selected by the Cleveland Browns in the third round draft of the NFL.

 

“You think my dad’s a badass?” Brooke told a group of stunned onlookers.  “You think he can kick ass?  Wait till you see my amazon ass on the field up in Cleveland. I know I’ll be a good tackler, because I’ve been eating balls since I was 12.”

 

Brooke was also sporting a beard, which she said would intimidate opponents.  “Thank God I have my dad’s genetics, so I can grow hair all over my body,” she said.  “Of course I shave my fucking snatch so guys will want to fuck me, but I got hair everywhere else.”

 

The five-foot-eleven-inch Brooke said she would be leaving for training camp sometime in June.

Hey Vince - Show Us Yer TITS!!

  Motley Crue vocalist shows up stacked in Miami   

 MIAMI – May 3, 2008 - Motley Crue vocalist Vince Neil was spotted on the beach in Miami with a new striped two-piece bikini, a new haircut and two new breasts.  Rumors had circulated for months that Neil had gone under the knife, but on Saturday he revealed to the world his new, more feminine look.

 

“Fuckin-a!” Vince yelled when asked about his 40 C’s.  “I’ve always been a tit-man, and now I got two of the motherfuckers to call my own.”

 

A thoroughly inebriated Neil revealed that he and Crue bassist Nikki Sixx are working on new material for live performances when Neil shows the audience his tits for the first time.  Fans can look forward to songs such as “Tits Tits Tits,” “Shout at the Knockers,” “Jugs that Kill,” “Kicksnap My Bra,” and “Dr. Feel-up.”

 

“The fucking songs are gonna kick ass,” Vince said as he shook his knockers from side to side.  “And the best thing is, after the shows, I don’t have to go find some groupie whore to fuck – I can just lay in bed all night and jack off while playing with my own tits.”   

 

Motley Crue’s first show with the new tits will be June 3 at the San Diego Sports Arena.

What is Brooke Hogan???!!

Is Brooke Hogan a man??!! What the hell IS IT??!!!

Is Brooke Hogan a modern day Herman Munster??!!

” It’s a man, baby!!  Yeah!!”

The Donnas Band Member Climbed by Four Swedes with Pickaxes

I wish I had found this story back in December, but better late than never.  This is about Maya Ford of the chick band the Donnas.  All of you dumbass guys out there who think she is hot, you better think again.  Just read what happened to four guys who found her a few months ago in a snow storm in Denver.

 

 

(DECEMBER 17, 2008 – Denver, Colo.) Maya Ford, bass player for the punk-rock band the Donnas, was climbed Friday night after a concert at the Pepsi Center in Denver. Two of the four climbers, all of whom are from Sweden, were taken to the hospital with altitude sickness. A third climber even hours later said he still couldn’t believe it wasn’t a gigantic mountain.

 

“All I see is this . . . this . . . thing, this enormous thing that block the moon,” said Asbjorn Eriksson, 24, a professional high-altitude mountain climber from the city of Gothenburg. “My partners and I had gear with us, so we said, hey, let us make haste and climb it.”

 

Unknown to Eriksson and his partners, the “mountain” was actually Maya Ford, who had been standing out in a snow storm, signing autographs for fans. With Maya almost completely covered with snow, Eriksson said his team naturally mistook her for a mountain.

 

“It was very embarrassing to us to find out it was rock star we climb and not Rocky Mountains,” said Eriksson, who has scaled peaks even larger than Maya such as Mt. Rushmore and Alaska’s deadly Mt. McKinley. “I say we call this one Mt. Maya. Next time up, I stick the flag of our country in her ear!”

 

After the climbers got off her, Maya was enraged. “I can’t help it if I’m a fat slob!” she yelled at her tour manager. “I can’t help it if every time I go to the beach and float on my back, F-14s try to land on my stomach! I can’t help it if my dentist can scrape my teeth and eat for a week! Is that any reason for people I don’t even know to be climbing all over me? No man has ever climbed all over me. And for it to happen in the middle of a snow storm, well, that’s pretty frightening. I need something to eat!”

 

The two climbers who succumbed to altitude sickness were treated at St. Anthony Hospital and released. Both were unavailable for comment.

 

The fourth climber, Greger Faltskog, 26, from the city of Norrkoping , said it was a tough climb. After the team navigated past Maya’s pillar-sized thighs and made it around her Grand-Canyon vagina, their entire food supply was lost when the sled carrying it tumbled off the bass player’s ring-around-Saturn stomach. But they pressed on toward the summit, and Lady Luck shined on them.

 

“When we make it to her neck area,” Faltskog said, “we find part of burrito, chocolate donut and chunk of Butterfinger candy bar on what we thought is prehistoric rock formation. It turn out to be just her necklace, but it do not matter at that time. We were just glad to have the food!”

 

Sources close to the band say this isn’t the first time something like that happened to the 28-year-old bassist.

 

“When the Donnas were in L.A. on a break from the tour last year, we all went down to the La Brea Tar Pits,” said Alicia Martin, the band’s publicist. “Well, there were all kinds of school kids there on a field trip, and they thought Maya was a dinosaur that came back to life. Supposedly one of the kids went into shock. The news said that a month later, a 10-year-old girl was still having nightmares about a brontosaurus playing ‘Jingle Bell Rock’ on a ukulele.”

 

On the band’s tour bus in Denver after the climbing incident, Maya and the other Donnas, Brett Anderson, Allison Robertson and Torry Castellano, talked it over. The other girls suggested ways Maya could avoid another case of mistaken identity.

 

“You need to fucking lose weight, Maya,” said Castellano, the drummer and the only band member who has had sex with men. “You can’t even get on the fucking bus without using a goddamn crowbar. It’s bullshit.”

 

Anderson, who is the band’s vocalist, said, “If you get so fat you can’t get out of your house to go tour with us, we’re not cutting the wall off your bedroom like they did for that fat fuck on Jerry Springer. You’re just going to have to stay there and live with yourself.”

 

Robertson, the guitarist and peacemaker of the band, took another tact. “Look, Maya, we’ve been through all this before. First, there were those kids who thought you were a brontosaurus. Then in Florida, you wore that black and white shirt, and that guy at Sea World tried to get you in a tank so he could train you to do somersaults and spray water at people. And now these Swedish guys climbed you because you’re bigger than the Pepsi Center. I strongly suggest that you commit suicide. You don’t play your instrument that well, you sweat all the time, and none of the guys in the audience like you. I have a bottle of sixty-milligram Phenobarbitals, if you want them.”

 

At least three of the Donnas will be on tour through March 25.

 

 

 

http://www.stanthonyhosp.org/

 

http://www.pepsicenter.com/

 

http://www.tarpits.org/

Miley Ray Cyrus is a cheap slut just like I’ve known all along

I just found this online. I don’t usually put actual news type stories on my blog here, but this is a case where I need to do it so I can prove one of many points I’ve been trying to make with you shitheads all along: Country music also sucks ass, along with tween pop music sucking ass, and most people involved with either suck ass, although not as bad as Eric Clapton and Carlos Santana. This story is about Miley Ray Cyrus, who is too young to fuck legally, but really, she’s gross looking anyway so why would anyone want too?  Although, I’m sure many of you who “enjoy” your farm animals will find her looks on par with your barnyard friends.  

                   So, what do you think about this??

But before I post the story, I need to add a few keywords to this thing so the search engines will pick it up, because that’s the only way I can get morons who are into Miley Cyrus to come to my blog:

 

Miley Cyrus Vanity Fair, Miley Cyrus topless photos, Miley nude, Miley Ray Cyrus, Billy Ray Cyrus, Miley’s photo shoot, Vanity Fair photos, Olsen Twins

 

(I put the Olsen Twins tag in there because those mothefucking bitches get more search queries than God and Jesus put together. So keep this in mind – if you have a website about, say, how to repair a transmission, put in some Olsen Twins key words and you’ll get so many fucking hits you won’t know what to do with yourself)

 

Okay, here’s the story:

 

( April 28, 2008 – Los Angeles ) “Hannah Montana” star Miley Ray Cyrus shocked a room full of reporters Monday when she announced that for the past four years, she’s been sleeping with her father, country artist Billy Ray Cyrus. The press conference at the Beverly Hills Hotel in Los Angeles was intended to give 16-year-old Miley a chance to speak about recent controversial photos she shot for an upcoming issue of Vanity Fair magazine, but she surprised everybody with something a little more startling.

 

  “I know you guys think sleeping with my dad is a big deal, but believe me, it’s not,” Miley said after the buzz from reporters died down. “Dad’s been impotent since he fell off that donkey in Mexico , and I’m totally frigid and unresponsive. Basically all we do is roll around naked in the bed and talk about Aly & AJ.”

 

   Miley’s publicist, Stanley Goldstein, broke in and said, “Those in the entertainment industry with large-scale popularity are faced with constant pressure and difficulties. Miley is no more immune to normal teenage emotions than the average girl her age. Do not judge her for being normal.”

 

   A reporter from Billboard magazine expressed disgust at Miley’s announcement and sarcastically asked the teen how large her father’s penis was when erect. Miley countered, “Wouldn’t you like to know!”  She paused and said, “Come to think of it, I’d like to know, too.”

 

   The Vanity Fair photo shoot was overseen by acclaimed photographer Annie Leibowitz, who is known for pressuring her subjects into edgy poses that some call provocative and indecent. Miley told the reporters that there was nothing indecent about the photos that will be in the June issue of the magazine.

 

   Long-time Hollywood gossip columnist Clair Constantine said, “I saw some of the stills, Miley. There are a few where you and your father are behaving like lovers.”

 

  “Well, duh,” Miley said. “I just told you – that’s what we are. I love him, he loves me. We love each other. What did you expect – that we would be throwing rocks at each other?”

 

   As the situation deteriorated, a reporter from The National Enquirer asked Miley if she was still a virgin, since Billy Ray was impotent.

 

  “Technically, I am,” Miley answered. “I don’t have my hymen thingy anymore, but that’s only because one time when me and my dad were fooling around in the Jacuzzi, he accidentally kneed me in the groin and achey-broke it.”

 

Vanity Fair’s June issue will be on sale May 3.

 

 

RUSH the Band…awww…FUCKIN’ SUCKS INTO ORBIT.

Progressive Metal/Rock, just as the name says, “Progressive means moving forward,” is always on the cutting edge of new and innovative. It’s just the best stuff out when looking for something “new” and how about……”Progressive.” This is not Rush. There never was nor will there ever be anything progressive about Rush. I find people who are into Progressive Metal/Rock, feel they need to include these hacks in their Prog Metal list of fav’s. There is only one good thing about this dumb fuckin’ band….that is the drummer, Neil Peart. He needs to be playing with real musicians. But, that doesn’t mean I think Peart is that good of a drummer either. Just better at what he does than the other two jack-offs. And, when it comes to a small handful of the worst singers ever, that fuckin’ toucan Geddy Lee pops right up (http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Image:PortraitOfAToucan.jpg).

Geddy Lee’s whiny, nasally, complaining vocals, sound so much like Alice Kramden of The Honeymooners, in rare form goin’ off on Ralph. When I hear Geddy start up with his shit, I imagine seeing a large skillet flying, like an ICBM through the air to kiss his scarecrow face, exactly like a cartoon. And then see the metal of the pan mold around and take shape of his huge beak. Oh…if only that could stop his noise. Geddy’s bass playing is almost as useless as Alex Lifeless’ guitar playing. Geddy’s bass playing is just so weak with nothing to add. The guy just can’t play anything creative at all. Geddy works his bass like it’s a wrench on a nut. Alex Lifeson must be the most pathetic excuse for a guitar player right alongside The Firm of U2 (believe me, I’ll get to those useless-worthless U2 fuckers). Rush may be in 2nd place for being the most overrated band to have success in the world.

 Really, what does Lifeson need with a guitar anyway? Lifeson handles a guitar just like an actor does in a movie and you know that actor has never picked up one before in his life. I’ve seen children operate an inflatable ballon guitar with more dexterity than Lifeson. Watching Alex Lifeson try to work a guitar, is like watching a 95 year old with advanced arthritis use a Rubik’s Cube.

Then there’s the music of Mush…er..ahh..Rush. Songs with no ending in sight. And these lackluster songs just go on and on and on. Maybe if Rush had a real guitar player and a real bass player, then you’d have something. But, if you did that, then you’d have a real band anyway, wouldn’t cha’? So, in closing, if you’re into Prog Metal that’s great, good for you for having some taste. But, if you like these guys Rush, they don’t belong in the same catagory as real players.

Crappy…..

www.youtube.com/crappystruth

No Fuckin’ Chick Can Rock….Except These….

The exceptions to every rule concept does exist. Just because an exception exists, doesn’t change the sometimes very painful fact that the RULE is in place and never changing. Thanks to the constant flow of talentless, hacking bullshit coming from all over. The exceptions to my rock rule are here. I’m always open to new music. Anytime I can add to my enjoyable music collection, I’m ready to jump on it. However, these are not new people, but they thoroughly fuckin’ rock. They’ve been around for some time. In fact, in one maybe two cases, they’ve been around since the early 80’s even late 70’s. In this installment of SUCKS, I’m talking about female singers only. They can be female singers in an all male band or female singers in an all female band. The latter being just two bands I’ve ever heard so far. The two all chick bands are original Phantom Blue and Vixen.

I’ll start with the two that I know of so far from the 80’s: Ann Boleyn and Pat Benatar.

Ann Boleyn…..holy shit, this woman can belt out vocals like very few, seasoned male metal singers can. Ann’s got pipes of steel. I prefer Ann’s material with her band Hellion, specifically with axeman Chet Thompson. Ann’s other material with Hellion and later material is good also, and her other guitarists and bandmates are all competent players. The best way to describe Ann’s ability is to hear her on youtube. The other singers I’ll be covering here have some kind of operatic training background, but as far as I know, Ann doesn’t. Which makes her even more unusual. Along with the fact that the others also don’t possess that “metal” sound either. As far as metal vocals go with a woman, Ann Boleyn is a freak of nature. Ann is just a hellova talent and sadly, far too often overlooked. In my authoritative view, Ann Boleyn is the undisputed queen of heavy metal.

Pat Benatar…. is an operatically trained singer and it can be heard in her style. Pat sings in a much more popular style but her power and range, I’m happy to say, still come through in the material she performs. Pat has a little gravelly tone sometimes that gives her singing an edge to it as well as that rough tone keeps her separate from the bubble gum bullshit. 

Tarja Turunen…. is a Finnish sorprano best known for her legendary work with and founding member/lead singer of the symphonic power metal band Nightwish. Tarja is the definition of a vocal powerhouse. This woman, I feel has been able to single handedly bring female vocals of the highest quality to the forefront in a true power metal fashion. Tarja’s musical sensibilities, her vocal melody lines and ability to deliver the largest amount of original, unique and overall creativity and performance I’ve ever heard to date. This woman has crossed the line into supernatural. Tarja has been a huge and main influence on the next on my list….

Simone Simons…. is a Dutch mezzo-sorprano and mainly known as the lead singer in the symphonic power metal band Epica. Simone’s vocals are the most beautiful sounds and about as close to hearing an angel sing as I’ve ever heard. When I hear her voice, depending on the tune, I experience a variety of mental pictures including a ghostly apparition to a dark gothic 16th century ghost story to an angelic being guiding a lost child into the light. These are a few of the incredible vocal flavors and melodic landscapes this remarkable singer can produce with her clearly gifted abilities. I’ll use the same word here about Simone, she too has crossed over into the supernatural. After all this praise I’ve given to Simone, the only thing about her vocals that I feel doesn’t quite fit is that her singing for the power metal genre is a little too clean. I would like to hear some slight raspiness in some of her material. Perhaps 3-4 songs out of a 10 song CD. 

Honorable mentions:

Quinn Weng of Seraphim from Taipei Taiwan. Very floaty and soft. Not really a metal woman at all, just nice to listen to as a non-metal singer in a metal context.

Beatriz Albert of Ebony Ark from Madrid Spain is fantastic. Beatriz is a complete vocal package. The right amount of well balanced aggression and an undeniable power combined with an unusually unique youthful brightness. This woman’s voice cuts through and takes control of every song with a real conviction that is rarely heard. I’ll even go so far as to say she sometimes sounds like she’s got a slight flavor of Ann Boleyn. Very slight. The one problem that Beatriz has, and it’s a serious one when you’re going to be in the public eye, is she needs to drop 40-50 pounds. It’s not enough to be a great artist, you must look the part as well. This applies to every single performer/entertainer no matter the area of choice.

One band I do want to mention here is Bitch with Betsy Bitch on vocals from the very early 80’s. She’s a decent singer and still looks really good.

There are more, but that’s it for now. These truly phenomenal singers you will check out and realize again, I am always right. You will delve into the symphonic metal world and come across others for yourself. You just can’t go wrong. Now….go!!….Get outta here and find them ya lazy shits!!

Love, Crappy  xo!!

p.s. If you think I’m gettin’ a little soft, you better read PART 1 of this:

http://crappystruth.wordpress.com/2007/07/26/no-fuckin-chick-can-rock-broads-can-not-rock-and-chick-bands-totally-fuckin-suck/

DAVID LEE ROTH: Worlds #1 Greatest Rock Frontman in History

  

 Every chick wants him, every guy wants to be him. Of course, runner up to Dave, is every guy wants to be Ed. I’ve checked out many of the written reviews of the Van Halen ‘07-’08 reunion tour and I still have to laugh at the jealous, stinking pigs that need to feel better about their own pathetic lives still after more than 20+ years, attacking Diamond Dave. “Dave’s this, Dave’s that, Dave can’t blah blah, Dave’s got the biggest ego.” In order to be a great frontman, in Dave’s case the greatest of all time, a huge ego must be present in incredible abundance. Charisma must be present in incredible abundance.

EGO:   1. the “I” or self of any person; a person as thinking, feeling, and willing, and distinguishing itself from the selves of others and from objects of its thought.

CHARISMA:  1. A spiritual power or personal quality that gives an individual influence or authority over large numbers of people.

2.  A rare personal quality attributed to leaders who arouse fervent popular devotion and enthusiasm. Personal magnetism or charm.

  

 

     

 Clearly, Diamond Dave has all of these qualities including his famous flying by the seat of his pants vibe and so much more.

           What makes a good frontman, let alone a great one? For one thing, having the balls to get up in front of people at the big risk of falling flat on your face and being laughed, booed or both right off the stage.

          What made Roth/Van Halen so awesome? So terrific? So unique? It’s not limited to just one thing. There was never a band like Roth/Van Halen before they came along. And except for the 1986 DLR Band, there hasn’t been one since. David Lee Roth made you forget about your daily problems for an hour and a half.  Dave successfully helped you forget about your lousy, shitty job with that mean, barking son-of-a-bitch boss. Don’t have a girlfriend? Chances are you’ll meet some cool chicks at the show. Have a girlfriend you can’t stand? Ditch her for a better one at the the show. Dave made you feel like he was your pal, your big bro inviting you over to his place to meet new people and hot chicks. Dave made everyone in the arena feel like they were part of the show, you were a part of the party. That you were not just the spectator, but you were an important part of that bigger than life show. That party at your big brother Diamond Dave’s house. No other frontman, no matter how talented they were/are, have been able to do this. To recreate this kind of atmosphere in any other rock show.

        Ya know that great expression, “Often imitated, never duplicated,” this is Diamond David Lee Roth right down to the letter. The mold really was broken with Dave. Dave’s innate ability to comfortably interact with the audience with such an intimacy, really is superhuman.

       Roth is in fantastic shape and yet some people talk shit about that and Dave’s age.  No famous and half ass famous guy in rock before 1997 or even today, is in even half as good of shape as Roth. Can it be said about any of the following?:

Mick Jaggar and anyone in The Rolling Stones

Tom Petty

Bruce Springsteen

Steven Tyler and all the slobs in Aerosmith

Bono and all those fuckers in U2

Ozzy

Black Sabbath all of them

Sammy Hagar    slob….

Any band that follows in the footsteps of Nirvana

Countless others…..

         All of these muther fuckers look like total and complete fuckin’ shit but Roth doesn’t.

        Roth has managed to continue to do what no one else has, fuckin’ rock and look and be, a superhero doing it. 

 

Sharon Osbourne ( A.K.A. The Devil )

          I have had the misfortune of dealing with this yeast-infected Cunt one time and one time only when I was back-stage at an Ozzfest show. I would have never imagined that so much filthy raw sewage and venom could be stuffed into such a short, fat little Candarian Demon Troll as Sharon. This is of course at the time before ”It” left the States to have the mythical 3 foot leaches suck the fat out of ”It’s” disease-ridden carcass. I don’t expect “IT” to remember me. Since when does any tyrant-dictator remember their victims or the carnage they’re responsible for. Besides it being some years ago. Some of you may be familiar with some of the acting work Sharon has done. Sharon plays “Itself” as the Alien Queen in all the “Alien” films. So it’s not a stretch for “It.” 

       Ozzy’s wife/mother/handler Sharon Osbourne, goes above and beyond your average filthy cut-throat music business shark. You may hear from time to time stories or “tales” of a “creature” that redefines the terms “cold-blooded” — “heartless” — “sinister” –”soulless” these and others are terms that fit Sharon Osbourne right down to “It’s” cloven hooves. Allow me to share with you a little short story and other little tid bits woven in, about Sharon “the troll cunt” Osbourne and what a wonderful piece of work “It” is.

     When Ozzy had his falling out with Black Sabbath he spent time trying to commit suicide using drugs and alcohol and in time “The Beast” Sharon found him and tried to clean him up for the sole purpose of using him as a tool (which she still does to this day. Working Ozzy like he’s a mule plowing one thousand acres.) to try to make a name for “Itself” in the process. To show “It’s” father that “It” could do something with “It’s” worthless existence besides be an albatross the size of a tow-truck to everyone “It” encountered. Speaking of a tow-truck that’s just what Sharon resembled through most of “It’s” life. As with all Candarian Demon Trolls they will eat anything they get their claws on (chairs, license plates, tires, whatever is within reach and can be chased down) or until their gut bursts. And Sharon was no different. In addition to having a face only a mother could love or in “It’s case “like”, it is also a face that’s been slam-kissed hard by the grills of several Kenworth tractor-trailers. CDT’s are also known for waddling out into traffic aimlessly.

       Sharon has never loved Ozzy, Sharon married Ozzy in order to have total and complete control over ”It’s” “investment” which anyone with two eyes can see by the way Sharon slave-works that poor son of a bitch. Let’s not forget about the two humanoid looking slugs Sharon birthed, but I’ll touch on that later. So, controlling CDT’s can be a very tricky and very dangerous endeavor. I’ve heard one way is by using highly modified “Hot-shot” type cattle prods that produce a massive electrical jolt that will knock a 1,400lb cow directly on it’s ass AND incapacitate the animal for up to 30 minutes. In the case of CDT Sharon it will get the creature to move in the direction the prod user desires.

People who are familiar with early Ozzy meaning the Randy years may have heard of the names Bob Daisley and Lee Kerslake. These two Cat’s handled bass and drum duties respectively on the Randy/Ozzy material. Here is one of the typical moves that make Sharon a unique, British Bull Dog piece of shit. One day when Sharon was wallowing in the stench it’s outdoor pen, it came up with an idea to make a little more money by pulling out the old masters that Bob and Lee performed on, and removing Bob and Lee’s important contribution on those recordings. Then hiring some studio guys, and for a flat fee, rerecord Bob and Lee’s parts thereby eliminating having to rightfully pay royalties to Bob and Lee. Isn’t that a nice thing for Sharon to do for Bob and Lee?? After all, it was such a heavy burden for these two guys to have to periodically go out to their horrible mailbox to take out a royalty check once in a while. Well Sharon fixed that, didn’t it?

A very talented guitar player by the name of Joe Holmes temporarily replaced Zakk-fuck and from what I heard, Ozzy himself said he really liked Joe. Ozzy said Joe was totally a team player and very professional and very enjoyable to be around. But the fans wanted Zakk. Of this statement the one thing I don’t believe is the fans wanted Zakk. Why do I feel this? Because I’ve seen the crowds go nuts for Joe, that’s why. People were very bummed out about Jake E. Lee leaving, but I don’t recall a fan revolt about it. And, I don’t recall hearing of a fan revolt about shit-for-brains Wylde leaving either. I think what it came down to was Sharon probably has a “thing” for Zakk and likes fantasizing about breeding with him as often as possible. Joe was with Ozzy from 1995 after the recording of Ozzmosis to 1998. Then rejoined in 2000 for the Ozzfest tour and later left but not before co-writing Facing Hell, junkie, and That I Never Had for the Down to Earth album. In addition Joe worked for the greatest front-man in rock music history, David Lee Roth.

So, Joe Holmes has had serious tenure with the two biggest, legendary frontmen of all time. Now, that doesn’t happen by accident, kids. You’ve got to have your act together like nobody’s business.

Let’s not forget that worthless “The Osbournes” t.v. show. And, how Sharon sent an actual box of shit to a British reviewer who panned the show in a review of his own. Yep, Sharon is truly an even bigger pile of walking shit than Zakk. Those two fuckin’ slugs Sharon birthed, Jack and the other fat one, are the worst attempt at cloning I’ve ever seen. Listening to Rhinoceros Kelly try to sing, sounds just like the sound Loyd made from Dumb and Dumber right after he asks, “Wanna hear the most irritating sound in the world?” These two offspring are perfect examples of how the rich have no excuse for having fat children. Although young produced by CDT Sharon, it’s expected they’ll be huge, fat-ass, worthless wastes of space, not unlike the creature that birthed them. Sharon Osbourne…… I wouldn’t be surprised if Sharon moonlighted as some sort of an instructor to a terrorist group.

         Well, there ya go kiddies.   … Beware of the music business, the creatures that dwell within it….and the dark.

         Because……… there really IS something lurking underneath your bed AND in your closet at night.

 Your light at the end of the tunnel……Crappy  ox!

p.s. If you’re the type that really appreciated Randy Rhoads/Ozzy material, the two BEST and ONLY replacements for Jake E. Lee would have been:  Craig Collins Turner or Chet Thompson

These two players would have continued that kind of songwriting but in their own way and we would’ve had many more terrific albums than this fuckin’ bullshit that Ozzy’s put out instead.

“SHREDDING” What is it???!!

SHREDDING. What is it? Who does it? Who does it RIGHT? Who does it WRONG? How can I tell the difference? How can I be sure to do it right? Why should I give a shit? Why is shredding so bashed on? Why is shredding so misunderstood?

 Shredding is a subject that is the biggest debated, most heatedly argued about subject in all of the guitar world. People who actually totally suck are held up as guitar hero’s. Real players who are truly legendary are at best glanced at, then forgotten, but normally ignored. Why is this? How and why has this reversal occurred? From the 17th century towards the end of the 20th century (1991 or so to be specific) a musician was treated with the highest respect if he was of an incredible ability. The most well known and relatively recent examples of this are: Nicolo Paganini, Franz Liszt, Frederic Chopin. And these legends seem to have faded.

These and so many countless other musicians of a supernatural caliber have been ignored with almost no exception (Coletrane is one modern day musician occasionally talked about). Some guitar players who’ve had their day in the sun to varying degrees are Edward Van Halen, Randy Rhodes, Yngwie Malmsteen, Steve Vai and, Joe Satriani. There are others….. just fill in the blank.

Here are some of my thoughts as to why we have this continuing problem. WE as Americans are pathetically fuckin’ stupid. And sadly, it’s not limited to music. So, we have illiterate morons in varying degrees all over the country graduating and not graduating from high school with no way to tell the difference. Today when someone is gifted at something and their at a typical school k-12, the scumbag-puke, low-life students of the school will insult, berate and relentlessly harass these people and treat them as outcasts, just for using their minds. This is what we have still. But, with music we have championed mediocrity like I still can’t believe.

Shredding is:

1. Having perfect technique and applying it.

2. Having total technical command of the instrument.

3. Having very good to great musical knowledge: theory, arps, scales etc, to build lines along with all the nuances including but not limited to bending to pitch and correct vibrato. Meaning how it works and making it work for you.

4. Taking all of the above to create lyrical phrases and overall well thought out compositions and the ability to improvise very good phrasings to beautiful phrasings over any progression…….

     ………………..This is the GOAL

Playing guitar is one of those things that is constantly evolving and you’re always getting better (in theory). Even if you can’t do something today, tomorrow you will hopefully be a little better. Why is shredding always attacked? Because the people who attack it are lazy, jealous, resentful, butt-fuckin’ slobs who will never put in the flight time to do it right. And that lack is carried over into and through out their pathetic lives. Misery loves company. And, since we Americans overall are fuckin’ miserable, wretched slugs, this is what we do. Bitch about, bash, attack and insult talented people because we aren’t willing to do what it takes ‘THE WORK” to accomplish greatness ourselves. You know….like when you insult the Japanese saying, ” Look at those rice patty slopes playing shredding guitar! They’ll never be as good as an American!” Yep, I’ve heard you fuckers say this kind of shit when you thought no one was around. Well, the Asians and Europeans kick ass on guitar and fewer and fewer Americans relatively speaking are putting in the “CORRECT” time into burning ourselves. It doesn’t have to be this way.

But, until enough of you filthy fuck’s clean up your own shit, it’s gonna stay this way. Here’s a partial list of awesome players to check out, you stinkin’ jackals:

 1. Shawn Lane …..the number 1 greatest of all time. So very, very far above any and all others.  The greatest who ever lived and will ever live. Rest In Peace, Shawn. Musically speaking, G*d himself spoke through this man.

2. Alan Holdsworth—Living Legend

3. Greg Howe—Outstanding player by any account

4. Larry Mitchell—–has a fluidity, class and style that’s so original and a breath of fresh air. Shredding without shredding.

5. Frank Gambale—an original burner  with terrific phrasing

6. Bret Garsed—-along with T.J. have produced some of the best guitar music recorded.

7. Roy Ashen and T.J. Helmrich— the two most incredible 8 finger players I’ve ever heard.

8. Al Di Meola

9. Yngwie Malmsteen   The guy who pioneered shred.

10. Jason Becker 

11. Kei Morioka    Of all the terrific japanese players I’ve heard, and their are many, including but not limited to the most well known, Akira Takasaki, Kei Morioka is head and shoulders above them all. In fact, I believe Kei Morioka is one of the top 5 greatest electric guitar players that has ever lived. Bar none.

12. Randy Rhoads 

13. Michael Lee Firkins

13. Craig Collins Turner 

14. Marty Friedman

14. Scott Henderson

15. Chet Thompson

16. Steve Morse

17. Paul Gilbert  Fantastic alternate picking an fun shapes.

18. Steve Vai    Maybe you’ve heard of’em?

19. Dallas Perkins     Fairly unknown but I just like his playing. He’s been very creative over the years and a helluva nice guy.

20. Jake E. Lee  The greatest live performer I’ve ever seen. And, the best live performer of Randy Rhoads material too.

21. Joe Holmes

22.  Rob Marcello    Because I’m quite pissed off with Rob, I’m very reluctant to say anything good about this ass.  This Swede can burn with very good phrasing and ”okay” songs.  There, ya happy Rob?!! Now, stick it up your ass!!

23. The DeMarco Brothers, Freddy & Johnny    Terrific duo and their CD Shipwrecked is too damn cool.

24. Patrick Rondat

25. Luca Turilli       Along with keyboardist Alex Starpoli

26. Todd Duane    You had so much promise.  Todd, I remember when….. 

27. Chris Impellitteri        He was burning during Yngwie’s formative years.

28. Ronni Le Tekro

29. Kiko Loureiro    Isn’t too bad…

30. Brian Carol aka Buckethead      Brian and I were introduced to each other many years ago (yes, without the bucket) and found him to be a very quiet and pleasant guy. I find Brian’s music overall to be just too peculiar for me. I very much like the Nottingham Lace version live. The version where you hear a guys voice at the beginning in the back yell, “Buckethead thank you for coming!” There are others. Brian can burn, there’s no doubt. But, I have a low threshold for heavily discordant, incoherent material. His “Leatherface - gore” theme is amusing but wears thin fast for me. Brian’s the best thing ever to happen to G n’ R. That’s one band I may have to do a post on. I just don’t fuckin’ like ‘em.

31. Bruce Bouillet    of Racer-X   Got all of Paul’s sequences down and to speed within a week or so of Paul teaching them to Bruce.

32. Chris Arvan  Was Paul Gilbert’s replacement in Racer-X and had no problem filling Pauls shoes. Those of you fortunate enough to hear Chris rip live at 19/20yrs old know this.

There is one maybe two of these players (Alright!! Maybe more!!) who have an odd ball way of picking which I don’t recommend doing. 

 

Who sucks? For a guy who has a B.A. in music and has had it for over 25 years, Michael Angelo still can’t come up with a half way decent tune. What the fuck??!! Michael has been able to make a living doing clinics around the world, teaching his brand of PAINFULLY BORING, USELESS, BRAIN NUMBING, 30+ year old ideas (that sucked the first time around) to a brand new, fledgeling group of guitar players and how to pick fucked up. His speed, at best is barely adequate. But……his stuff with Holland wasn’t too bad. Hey Mike, have you finally learned your lesson about “locking” the doors on your equipment truck? And, maybe it’s not such a good idea to park it overnight in a K-mart parking lot!!  Ya think?!!!

 Zakk Wylde. Everytime I see or hear this filthy, grimy, shit-throwing monkey I wanna puke. Zakk is the type of savage that people immigrate to avoid. Go read my page on him.

John Petrucci. Almost as fuckin’ boring as Michael Angelo. John may very well be Michael Angelo’s long lost twin brother. John’s 2 hour instructional video is the largest collection of the most utterly useless bunch of sequences and exercise’s I’ve ever seen in one place.  John’s phrasing sounds as creative as listening to bricks hit a wall. 

Slush of G n’ R…..ugh!! yuck!! Even coming across a picture of him, I swear I can smell his dirty, unwashed presence.

Dimebag Darrell …….one sloppy-ass player. This has nothing to do with the tragedy of him being killed. So, don’t send me your shit.

And of course the masters of suck: Santana, Clapton, Page, Lifeson. I’ve got posts on them here.

Read my other posts and more to come….

Oh! by the way, anchoring your picking hand’s little finger or any finger on the body of the guitar is total bullshit. DON’T FUCKIN’ DO IT!!!  I don’t give a fuckin’ shit how fast some prick plays doing this, he’ll play FASTER picking from the wrist and not anchoring. Pick from the wrist. And stop with the drunken spider fretting hands too!!!

People who only hear fast notes with every shred player have the musical equivalent/development of a kindergartner. The vast number of people who make this “no feeling” statement are really at the baby food stage of musical development. Or, they’ve been repeatedly beaten about the skull with a ball-peen hammer. Another way to recognize these musically illiterate people, is how they hold a spoon or fork, like they’re a 2 year-old child using a sandbox shovel. And, breathe outta their wide-open mouth while eating. For many of you, just look in the mirror.

Well, that’s it for now, kiddies. I may expound another time in a new post or increase this one. So, what are YOU going to do? Continue to suck….. or do something about it?

Until next time…..

                                        Love, Crappy  xo