I Am Always Right, you are always wrong!!!!

I’ve been around the proverbial block in the world of the music business. A lot like your sister has been around whatever cockroach-infested block you live on. I know shit, and I’m going to tell you things I’ve experienced firsthand as well as through friends and acquaintances who have been involved at various levels of this shit-sandwich business. As I go along with these posts, you may get rattled because I firmly believe in being brutally honest. But I’ll try not to hurt you too bad. No, fuck that: I’ll include very colorful language and comments that will thoroughly piss off most of you, a result that I couldn’t possibly be happier about. Through pain comes growth. Remember that, if you can, but I won’t hold my fucking breath on it.

The TRUTH, as with any antiseptic medicine applied to an open wound, hurts like a mutha. But once the area is thoroughly cleaned and sterilized, hopefully you will be the wiser for it. If you’re not, that’s your fucking problem, not mine. Still, my goal is to educate and even possibly rehabilitate as many of you developmentally disabled head trauma “Tards” as possible. Will it work? No, but I don’t really give a fuck. Your mother wanted a normal child – did it work? No, and I’m sure she didn’t give a fuck either. She’s probably sitting there right now in her shack saying, “I don’t give a fuck, I don’t give a fuck, I don’t give a fuck. Why did I have kids? Somebody please put an end to it all!” As long as I do my part to help you, that’s all that counts because, as you’ll soon discover, I AM ALL that COUNTS. I AM ALWAYS RIGHT, you are always wrong.

Practically all of you are brainless sheep that go along with whatever mongrel you’re told is good or great. And practically all of you lack any congnitive ability to recognize the difference between true quality talent versus the shit coming outta your ass. This is where I step in.

The bulk of my writings will be in the form of strong, venomous attacks. This is necessary since the amount of horribly putrid musical talent and gutless product I’ve been forced to stomach, has been staggering since the 1960’s but even more abominable since the unearthing of rap/hip-hop (thank you Aerosmith assholes you fuckin bastards! Read about it here-> The Aerosmith rap/hip hop Connection  http://crappystruth.wordpress.com/2007/07/26/the-aerosmith-raphip-hop-connection/ ) and the band Nirvana, who put the final nail in the lid of the real rock/metal scene coffin in 1991. Their album title “Nevermind” should have been a clue, but most of you people didn’t fucking take it literally, and now we’re all paying for it. Here’s an old saying that many of you have probably heard: There’s only one thing better than Kurt Cobain killing himself at 27 years old – Kurt Cobain killing himself at 26 years old. Come to think if it, I guess I can think of 25 things that would have been even better.

There are very popular shitty guitar hacks out there, and some of these are ancient derelicts that have been lingering like polio since the 60’s. These are guys who are so fucked up, you could put them in an empty room with two ball bearings and in ten minutes they’d fuckin break one and lose the other. I have issues with all of them because they suck and I don’t, and I’m sure you’re going to want to know how I could EVER say such HORRIBLE things about these worthless, talentless, gutless losers.

Just to give ya a little taste as to who I’m talking about here are some initials of these pathetic “Tards”: E.C., C.S., Z.W., J.P., B.S. (B.S. also claims to sing too). I can say those things because I know what the fuck I’m talking about. I’ll go into detail about all of these shitheads, A.K.A. “legends,” when in reality they are true paper tigers, so get ready. On the other side of this rat sewage, there’s truly a lot of incredible talent here in the states as well as abroad that I can’t talk up enough – REAL TALENT, in other words, not some jack-off playing a left-handed piece of shit guitar like a Sears paint shaker while wearing his old man’s filthy beer and guacamole stained bowling shirt (read “Cobain, the heroin addict cocksucker”…coming soon!), and I’ll inform you of everything you need to know where all that’s concerned. Fortunately there’s a silver lining to all this. It’s called ME.

So you’ve got a LOT to look forward to in learning about the music business as well as what music to begin listening to and supporting. Plus you can look forward to being smarter, brighter and more appealing than you ever thought possible. Won’t that be a motherfucking change for the better!

Now, to quote a famous metal front-man……”Let the Madness Begin!!!!”

For a very spicy between-meal snack, (when you take a break from shoving fucking Big Macs down your gullet), you can check me out at www.youtube.com/crappystruth .

If you want me to get you a date with a chick you’d have a chance with, write me and tell me where your mother lives. No, I’m kidding. I’m fucking there right now and she’s outside dealing with the fucking cops.

Finally, if you’d like me to personally bust your fucking ass, you can write me at crappystruth@yahoo.com Maybe I’ll write ya back if I’m not too busy enjoying my life and if you can form sentences ya jackass!!

Your pal, Crappy

p.s. Be sure to “click” onto the column’s title to read all the lovely comments all these “good Christians” have to say…..Mid-westerners are such fake, cold-hearted fuckers. They could make an ice cube colder.

Some educational, non-music sites I like:

http://www.occupyforanimals.org

www.prophetofdoom.net     by  Craig Winn

http://www.infowars.com                       by  Alex Jones

http://www.prisonplanet.com               by Alex Jones

http://atlasshrugs2000.typepad.com/

http://www.pamelageller.com/

Thomas Drake  http://www.coasttocoastam.com/guest/drake-thomas/59026  Sunday September 16, 2012

http://www.thenation.com/article/161376/government-case-against-whistleblower-thomas-drake-collapses#

Former NSA official Thomas Drake and NSA Whistleblower

Gary Moore (Robert William Gary Moore) April 4, 1952- February 6, 2011 (58). One Of My Two All-Time Favorite Blues Players. Now I Do Have, “The Blues.” G*d-Speed Gary.

Published in: on February 15, 2011 at 1:30 am  Comments (2)  

King Ronnie James Dio….The Great Metal Elf And First True Voice Of Metal… Rest In Peace July 10, 1942 – May 16, 2010

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=4q-4m8bIwJw

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Zbj0iyI4NMQ

Published in: on May 21, 2010 at 2:36 pm  Comments (1)  

Liz Claman from Fox News and formerly of CNBC IS THEEE Total Package and the Perfect woman

         This is a time where I slightly deviate from going off on musical lame-ass’s, and mention this time what really floats my boat with just a few chicks, and this one in particular. I can see through a broads bullshit like no body’s business. But, Liz Claman IS IT. Normally, no self-respecting male would give two shits about what some hot bitch has to say. Because they don’t “say” anything. If you’ve fucked enough of them, YOU know I’m right.
 
         But I gotta tell ya, Liz Claman is sooo goddamn hot, sexy, an extreeeeemely sexy voice, extremely intelligent and articulate, that this woman, she could sell sand to an Arab. Liz Claman could tell me that drinking Drain-O is safe, or putting my hand inside an open flame is a good idea for your skin, and I’d do them both. I just can’t think straight with that woman. Liz is the ONLY female on any business news station that has any brains at all, and sincerely puts thought into what ever it is she’s talking about. I get the sense that she’s really done her homework on any given subject when she opens that beautiful mouth of hers.
        Liz could talk about septic tank repair and I’d be riveted to the t.v. Except for Liz, ALL the rest of these women when they speak, sound and act the same as a robot in it’s early stages of developing emotions. I read where some guy was complaining that Liz was getting a little “chunky.” Liz could pack on 40lbs, be on her period, and I would happily devour her cookie, no questions asked. She could be on all four’s while I’m eating, blow a fart right up my nose and I’d say, “Thanks hun!” Alright……maybe I wouldn’t quite say.. that!!
 
          Well, that’s it. Read it good ’cause I may yank this one down at any time. That’s enough of that shit……back to business….
 
Crappy….
p.s.  Maria Bartiromo is pretty smart but she’s no match for Liz. Plus, Maria is WAY too fuckin’ aggressive and WAY, WAY too adversarial. Being from New York doesn’t help her either. Even if she didn’t have these problems, she still looks like a frog and sometimes a female impersonator. Having Maria talk to you, is like getting hit in the face with a crowbar. She conducts interviews with the same finesse as stepping on a furniture tack barefoot. 
Published in: on February 28, 2010 at 8:17 am  Comments (2)  

Crappy’s Music Business 101: Episode 1 When Are You Too Old To Rock ‘N Roll? Signs And Reasons It’s Not Gonna Happen

          Hello to ALL you bullshit-poser, 2-bit hack fuckin’ fakers and of course my loyal fans!!! At last!! Crappy’s Music Business end of my site. As with “Crappy’s Guitar 101,” my music business columns will also be a limited run of columns, and each one will be up an runnin’ as I complete them (just don’t set your watch by it). Again, as with “Crappys Guitar 101″ I’ll be covering the painfully fuckin’ obvious as well as, in this case, maybe the not-so-obvious. So, sit back and enjoy my first installment and maybe your gray matter will begin to tingle. Probably for the first time WITHOUT pharmaceuticals!! Lol!! 

             Crappy’s Music Business 101: Episode 1

            “When Are You Too Old To Rock ‘N Roll? Signs And Reasons It’s Not Gonna Happen.”

          Yep, it’s a painful pill to swallow. I’ve chosen this subject for my first music business column for the simple reason that everyone needs to know this and no one has ever addressed it.  So, let’s get right to it!

                     Are You Too Old To Rock?

         The answer to this is in two parts. The first is, No, you’re not too old to rock. You can and should rock your fuckin’ ass off till you’re dead. That was easy enough, wasn’t it? Right?

        The second part isn’t so easy. In fact, the real question is, are you too old to be a rock star? I’m going to tell you how it is. I–DID–NOT make these rules, I’m only telling you what they are. Rock ‘n roll is a young man’s game. It always has been, and it always will be. The age range for starting, building and having a career in rock, in other words, achieving, rock stardom starts about 15 years old and ends at about 30 years old.

    READ THIS NEXT PART SLOWLY AND CLOSELY!!!!
 
         IF, IF, IF you don’t have any upward and growing movement in your career by the time you reach 30, YOU ARE DONE!  YOU ARE DONE!  YOU ARE DONE!

 

          Are There Exceptions? Well, sort of. . .
 
1. If you’re maintaining the momentum you have (meaning it’s leveled off) but it appears that it’s going to increase.
 
2. Your genetics. Do you look young? No matter what your age is, relatively speaking, if you look to be about 32 or under, nature has loaned you some additional time.
 
3. LIE!!…LIE!!….LIE!!. If you are one of the lucky ones that looks under 32, or are really under 32 (32 is the bleed off point), get into the habit of NOT TELLING ANYONE your true age. Because you just don’t know who that person you’re talking to knows, is, or is related to. LIFE IS NOT FAIR, so why should the entertainment business at any level and in any form be different?? “The Business” IS NOT FAIR. So, you need to do what ever it takes to get an upper hand.
           
              Since when does any fucker need to know your age?? Huh?!! The longer you can maintain the illusion you’re young within the above age range, you ride it until “that dog won’t hunt” anymore. If you do say an age, typically, depending on your youthfulness, you can claim to be as much as 10-12 years less than your actual age. After that, your real age and your fake age must move in tandem. Exercise, use facial skin care products and talk to chicks/skin care professionals to find things to help your face and neck look younger. And, shave your face regularly because if you don’t, your gray facial hair will show. And, at some point you’ll have to color the hair on top of that fat head of yours.

 

               People are alike all over. If you look young, but you tell your real age, 98 times or more, out of 100 you will lose the gig to a less competent person because they really are young. People will tell you one thing and do the direct opposite, i.e., THEY WILL LIE!!! So, you are just beating them to it. Every weapon at your disposal you had better use, you sure-as-shit better use ALL of them. 

           “What if I can’t pull off this age bullshit or I don’t wanna play this game???”
 
                If you can’t or won’t play the game, you are done. It’s just that simple. It’s just that simple. 1+1=2, can’t play = You are FINISHED, won’t play = You are FINISHED.
 
 
            “Okay, I haven’t made it yet, I’m over 30 and don’t look young. Why don’t I still have a chance???”
             
          This is why you don’t have a chance. Teenagers are rebellious. Teenagers are looking for a rebellious leader. ANYONE…ANYONE….ANYONE who, even just a tiny bit, looks like, tone-wise sounds like, moves like, acts like, owns something like their parents, teachers, authority figure a.k.a “the man,” those teenagers will stay the fuck away from you, like a vampire stays away from a cross.
            
             Teenagers will and do identify with someone like them, someone who looks like them, someone who acts like them. Someone who is cool. And, LOOKS YOUNG!!!! If you resemble my parent, teacher, “the man” example above, teenagers will NOT buy what you’re selling. Who did YOU like when YOU were young??? People who were like your parents, or Blackie Lawless of W.A.S.P., David Lee Roth, Eddie Van Halen/Van Halen, Bruce Dickinson/Iron Maiden and Ozzy?? To name a few, and that usually means having long fuckin’ hair. These are the reasons you will not make it. And, these reasons are different from an established act or person.
              
    “But Crappy, I’m not a dishonest person, I won’t lie and I’m gonna do things my way on the up and up.”
 
                Okay, knock yourself out, pal. You’re in the wrong line of work. And, if that’s all you got outta what I’ve written here, than you don’t deserve to have any success and you’re a moron. People who are rock stars, made it in some way BEFORE 30, and just got bigger from there. That is what I’m saying. YOU NEED TO REREAD, REREAD REREAD THIS EPISODE so it’s really in your thick, fuckin’ head.
            
                     “HOMEWORK ASSIGNMENT:”
 
                  Homework assignment and a dare. I fuuuckin’ dare ya to find ANYONE, any-fuckin’-one who made it after the age of 32 and made it MEANS ROCK FUCKIN’ STARDOM. Someone who was UNKNOWN AND WITH NO UPWARD MOMENTUM AFTER THE AGE OF 32!!! I fuckin’ dare ya!!     
 
                  So, if you’re over 30 and still look believably young/younger under 32, and willing to LIE, you’re one of the lucky ones and you’ve got extra time. So, you better use it wisely to your advantage. If you’re not a lucky one, you’ve always got a future in a tribute band or doing your originals at some local clubs. Yes, you can still rock, just not on the scale you hoped for. Try to find some solace in that. Shit, there are plenty of hot chicks at any age that would still be interested in hooking up with you after the show. There are plenty of young girls who have a “daddy” fetish that would like to “experiment” with you. When you’re done being their “daddy,” you can do their mommy, as in milf. So, don’t off yourself. 
 
                   Happy Rockin’ kids!!!
 
Crappy!!  xo (smooch!!)
Published in: on January 10, 2010 at 3:42 pm  Comments (4)  

Crappy’s Guitar 101: Episode 6 Choosing a Guitar Teacher and Other Forms of Learning

            See, I’m not about being a vicious tornado of ball busting destruction. Wait…who the fuck am I kidding??!! YOU bet your fuckin’ ass I am!!! Hhhaaaa haa haaaa!!!!!!!!!
 
 
           Finding a guitar teacher in today’s world who REALLY knows how to play and is well rounded is next to impossible. Or, slim to none and Slim left town. If you can find a player who can burn, and by burn I mean similar to my definition of this, you are one incredibly fortunate son-of-a-bitch. Now, they CAN be a guy who burns but may not be able to teach you anything other than technique, which is just fine. And, also has the ability to “teach.” (Having the ability to actually teach someone something, impart knowledge to another, really is a talent unto itself.) If that’s the case, that player is worth his proverbial weight in gold. Again, this is based on my definition of a real technician player. Which, by this time, if you’ve been keeping up with my columns, you should have a very good idea what this means. If not, get your fuckin’ ass back to the beginning and start reading.
 
 
           If you have the misfortune of living in a one horse town, well, your going to have to make due with some other things that I’ll be covering right here in this installment. Some things can ONLY be learned through human contact. You’re very limited by reading text. You can get a much better idea by watching a video. But, to have someone, one-on-one in front of you telling you, “Don’t do this, don’t do that. Do this, do that,” this is what NEEDS to be done. There is no two ways about it and ABSOLUTELY NO WAY around it.
 
 
        You see, I am about doing it RIGHT the FIRST mutherfucking TIME. I don’t like the term “old school” since every rap/hip-hop cock-suckin’ walkin’ pile of pig shit uses this once cool term, but I really am “Old School.” And, you as a player must take on my attitude of doing it right the first time too. Now, if you just wanna play guitar a little, get together with some neighborhood pals and start a garage band and have fun getting shit-faced drunk doing it, then my columns are not really for you. You can certainly get something out of them, but they’re directed at people who want to take music seriously and for it to be their life. Becoming a real musician is a serious business and YOU must take it seriously just as I have. And, not forget that this IS a BUSINESS, and YOU must treat it as such. 
 
 
          I feel that I’m beginning to get into my new, soon to be started column entitled, “Crappys Music Business 101,” so I’ll bring it back to the topic at hand. You need to audition the teacher you’re considering to take lessons from. Did you find him through an advertisement? Did you walk into a music store? Did a friend or some jack-off you don’t know, tell you about this guy? You need to hear this guy go off in some way to get an idea what he can do, and if what he can do is what you’re looking to learn. If he looks pretty good at this point, you may have to actually pay for a few lessons with him to see if he can teach you and is patient with your learning curve. Some guys are kick-ass players but can’t teach you how to spell C-A-T. So, after 1-2 or 3 lessons you will know if you want to continue with this guy, or drop this cock, and continue looking. 
 
 
 
          If you can’t locate an instructor, you’ll have to make due with video’s and the Internet. There are many places on-line you can go and I’m sure you know some already. Technically, Paul Gilbert’s videos can give you a great foundation in that area. As for your musical education, you can get a nice, sizable chunk learned at your local junior/city college, and supplement that with the video’s and on-line stuff.
 
 
Crappy…
Up next…… Crappys Guitar 101: Episode 7 Your Attack
Published in: on December 4, 2009 at 12:10 pm  Comments (1)  

Crappy’s Guitar 101: Episode 5 Picking

                Yep, I’m back and with a bloodthirsty vengeance. This subject is CRUCIAL. In fact, being able to correctly pick is the “do-or-die” ability of being a proficient player. If you can’t pick CORRECTLY and WELL, you are half the player you are supposed to be, and you will NEVER be the COMPLETE, WELL ROUNDED player you could be and SHOULD BE.
 
 
                Now, I’ve gone off on so many dip-shits on the Internet that I may as well talk about picking too. There are many, many variations to picking. But just a couple that are the most proficient. And, after all, if you’re going to put in the hours, days, weeks, months and in some cases years to do something, it’s pure logic you should do it the best and most proficient way possible. And, with comfort, endurance and longevity in mind.
 
 
 
                There is a guitarist who made the following statement coming up that I found really fucking funny and I can’t argue against his comment. This guitarist who is very, very good, said this then later retracted it. So, because he retracted it, he may have realized he shouldn’t have said it. So, I won’t tell his name but I will repeat his comment which was about Paul Gilbert. I paraphrase,
 
             ” Paul Gilbert isn’t doing anything that a trained monkey with arthritis and a metronome couldn’t do.”
 
              This comment is one of the funniest fuckin’ things I’ve heard in many years. Paul has come up with some neat and fun shapes, and I like some of the stuff he’s done quite a bit. But, most of it if not all of it are very simple things done very fast.
 
 
 
                 Paul Gilbert has showed you how to play his stuff. He’s done the exact same things, “concepts” in great detail for well over 20 years. And, you blind and deaf mutherfuckers still haven’t learned. So, I doubt my contribution will put much of a dent in things, but, what the fuck.
 
 
 
The Problem:  Not doing what I’m telling you.
 
 
The Fix:         Doing what I’m telling you.
 
 
             Rather than going into all the bad habits and poor techniques, I’m going to just cut to the correct things to do.
 
 
            For the visual portion of this lesson, watch any of Paul’s instructionals. Ignore his left hand completely. Watch his right hand only. His right hand is completely relaxed. His shoulders are level. Meaning he doesn’t have his right shoulder raised up by his ear (except when he’s sitting down with the guitar on his right leg then it’s raised slightly). For the most part he doesn’t bend his thumb while picking. I say, don’t bend your thumb for any reason. You’re resting the heel of your palm the portion where your little finger (the blade of your little finger) is connected on the bridge, just in front of the saddles. 
 
 
 
            When you are sitting down to play, have your guitar on your left leg. NOT your right. Having it on your left leg puts the guitar in a neutral and center position. And, is the most ergonomic and easy position to be in and to be in for a long period of time. Your thumb is straight with a very small part of the pick sticking down and out from the side of your thumb. You’re resting on the strings slightly in front of the bridge and also resting the upper part of your forearm by your elbow on the edge of the guitar body. Choose which way you’re most comfortable holding the pick in the direction it’s going to slice the string. You only have two choices. It’s a diagonal angle, left on top down to the right, or right on top to down on the left. Again, that’s how you’re holding the pick with only one of those two directions. Close your hand. Keep your fingers curled in a little like making a fist but looser. Don’t flex your arms when playing. If you do, relax and focus on the loose, relaxed wrist movement.
 
 
 
              Unsynchronized picking is when there is no control in your picking and some notes get picked 2 or 3 times, some picked once, and some may not get picked at all. There is no coordination or precision of any kind and it’s just a mess. Remember, you’re not fooling anyone with this shit.
 
 
        
             The key visual is watching Gilbert. And, only use the bridge (rear) pickup and a metronome. Speed comes naturally from doing the same thing over, and over, and over, and over, and over, and over, and over, and over, and over and a fairly slow speed with the metronome and making small incremental increases over some time. 
 
 
              That’s about it. Don’t anchor any fingers anywhere on the guitar body. Don’t have your fingers sticking straight out either. And, stop making things harder than they really aren’t. Watch his vids. He’s showing you how to do it. I think that’s it. But, I may add or do some refining to this “Picking” section so be aware. After all, I’m NOT getting paid for this!!           
 
 
 
 Crappy All Mighty.
 
xxoo 

Crappy’s Guitar 101: Episode 6 Choosing a Guitar Teacher and Other Forms of Learning

Episode 1 Pickup Abusers
http://crappystruth.wordpress.com/2009/04/10/crappys-guitar-101-episode-1-pickup-abusers/
Published in: on December 3, 2009 at 4:05 pm  Comments (1)  

Evil Will Always Triumph Because Good Is Dumb!

That’s my thought for the Day.

Crappy’s Guitar 101: Episode 4 Legato

           Aahhhh….The smooth fluidity of lines played in the legato form. Notes seem to flow from one to the next in an effortless rainbow wave akin to a cloud-like roller coaster without the nauseating, butterfly, and stomach dropping feel. Five players that have just outstanding legato are 1. The legendary insane Shawn Lane. 2 The also legendary Allan Holdsworth. 3. Bret Garsed.  4. Greg Howe. 5. Craig Collins Turner.  Legato is done two ways:
 
 
1a. By picking the first note, then hammering-on the other 1 or 2 next notes.
Example: Using your first, second (or third) and fourth fingers(little finger/pinky). First finger on the E string 15th fret, second (or third) finger E string 17th fret and fourth finger E string 19th fret.
 
 
1b. Or, not picking any notes and strictly hammering-on.  But, if you use the pic, make the pick strike volume the same as the volume of the left hand hammering on. Using your finger (index or middle finger) to strike the string instead of the pick, will allow you to control the volume better and you’ll be able to maintain a consistant volume and tone.  
 
 
2. Incorporating both hammering-on and pulling-off. When descending, picking the pinky finger note and pulling-off the rest. The reverse of example 1a.
 
 
 
 
          Perfect legato to me sounds seamless where the notes seem to slightly over lap. You should not necessarily hear the first (starting) note in the line louder than the following notes. You will notice it if the first note on each string is struck harder to get things going. Another name for this is the first note is “accented.”
 
          Something else to keep in mind is not to pull off. If you’re going to descend, hammer-on the descending lines notes. Pulling off will change the tonal quality and then you’ll lose the uniform tone of hammering-on. I’m not saying you can’t pull-off ever, but just keep in mind the tonal difference if you’re trying to maintain a constant fluid tone. Don’t be afraid to slide your fingers around too. 
 
 
           When Yngwie legato’s he has a much more staccato tone when he hammers down, and he hammers down pretty hard. So, unless you’re listening closely to what he’s doing, everything sounds picked when it may not be.
 
 
          Warren De Martini and George Lynch do quite a bit of legato in their playing and it sounds very cool. Since their style is hard rock, rock can be very forgiving and you can get away with some things that you may not be able to in Progressive Fusion.
 
 
      
           So, there’s a little legato lesson for ya. Have fun playing around with it….
 
 
Crappy….

Crappy’s Guitar 101: Episode 5 Picking

 

Episode 1 Pickup Abusers
http://crappystruth.wordpress.com/2009/04/10/crappys-guitar-101-episode-1-pickup-abusers/

Yngwie Johann Malmsteen: A Legend, A Pioneer And An Inspiration To Us All

               Yngwie Johann Malmsteen (born Lars Johan Yngve Lannerbäck ) is A Legend, A Pioneer And An Inspiration To Us All. And,  has RIGHTFULLY EARNED the RESPECT of every last one of you filthy, stinking, degenerate, mutherfuckin’ THANKLESS and UNGRATEFUL FUCKIN’ SHEEP RAPISTS, for BEING THE SOLE CREATOR of something that NEVER EXISTED before he came along.
 
 
               Yngwie has been viciously attacked for more years than I care to count. The insults I hear are among the most brainless I’ve heard about anyone. Bullshit about his weight and his poor interview skills are two I’ve heard too many times. Really, who gives a fuckin’ shit??! And, why would you give a fuckin’ shit???!!! The massive bulk of you filthy, poser fakes, beating up on your own guitar, can’t speak well enough when ordering fries at a drive-through. Of all the players I’ve had the sincere pleasure of meeting, knowing and becoming good friends with throughout the years, and there have been many, Yngwie is the only one that’s slipped through my radar. A number of times we’ve just missed each other by only a few minutes.
 
 
              
               I’ve heard stories both nice and not so nice about Yngwie’s behavior. And, in the end, do you buy someones music, for the kind of person they are in their personal life, or do you buy their music for…..THEIR MUSIC? The enjoyment their music gives you. I’ll tell ya right now, I never have, nor will I EVER base my purchase of an artist’s music on their personality. And, unless all of you are hypocrites, (Sadly, most of you are hypocrites.) YOU WON’T EITHER.
 
 
               
               Now, since I’m right about every fuckin’ thing I say and write, this column will be just the same. Yngwie has problems, hey, don’t we all!! One difference between most people who are fucked up and Yngwie is, Yngwie is talented and is a pioneer (pioneering is something very few have done in anything), meaning Yngwie started the Shred movement. Yngwie is solely responsible for the concept, the idea for high speed, articulated picking and incorporating a bunch of Paganiniesque, Vivaldi and J.S. Bach flavorings, and harmonic minor into his playing. Yngwie cornered the market on these. So, anyone who tries to play too closely to this, has been called an “Yngwie Clone.” For a player to have such a powerful influence, that a name “Yngwie clone” is created, is really incredible. No other player has matched this feat.
 
 
 
                Before Yngwie, SHREDDING DID NOT EXIST. So, the terms “shred, shredding, shredder” NEVER EXISTED and were applied to Yngwie FIRST. The term “shredded” came into existence first with bodybuilding, describing how extremely lean or “shredded” a bodybuilder was during their competition shows, and then drifted over to describing the technical prowess of guitar players around 1985/1986 and expanded to a few variations.
 
                 
 
                For the six or so years following Edward Van Halen’s meteoric rise to legendary status, prior to Yngwie’s debut release of “Rising Force,” (which by the way earned Yngwie a Grammy nomination) most current and every new player of the time, took advantage of the easy-to-do, and speed of doing the two-handed hammer-on pull-offs that Edward exposed us too. Many people used this technique as a “CRUTCH” (a crutch, sound familiar??!?). A few up-and-coming players at the time tried to stay away from this technique or did very little of it. Randy Rhoads and Jake E. Lee were two players who mostly stayed away from it but used it sparingly. Yngwie put a stop to all this two-handed bullshit.
 
 
 
              Yngwie picked faster than everyone was doing their two-handed shit, and many, many people admitted to total disbelief upon their first few listening’s of Rising Force, that they thought the recording was sped up. Yngwie woke up everyone to the idea that, we better get off our asses, stop bullshitting ourselves and start to really put in time to be a quality player. Yngwie elevated the electric guitar from being what a 60’s scumbag-drug-addict used, to being a respected instrument and to be taken seriously with a world of legitimate potential. 
 
 
                
                One gutless comment I hear about every new Yngwie album that comes out, from countless people is, “It’s sounds just like every other Yngwie album.” Yngwie created something from essentially nothing, and then you fuckers say it sounds like every other album. It sounds like Yngwie. You can make that same exact “sounds like every other album by fill in the blank” comment, about EVERY artist that has ever existed. That’s right!!! EVERY OTHER ARTIST!!!!! Every artist is doing what they do, but when Yngwie is doing his style, suddenly it’s a bad thing. THAT IS CALLED BEING A HYPOCRITE.
 
 
 
             If you’re gonna say that about Yngwie, then tell the truth and say it about ALL. So, will you? Of course you won’t, because so many of you are gutless, spineless fuckin’ cowards. Afraid to stand out, afraid to be a “man.” Afraid to be an individual and not follow what your friends “the sheep” say. Afraid to stake your own claim in this life. No, you won’t, you have no balls. And, you’ll continue to stand on the sidelines and watch life pass you by, and you’ll be a Monday morning quarterback. Yngwie did it HIS WAY. Yngwie may be the only well known player that has stayed true to what he does, and he will be remembered as the legendary pioneer that HE IS.
 
                                                     So, fuck you.
 
 
              Yngwie has consistently, consistently superior vibrato and bends, both always perfectly to pitch. Always a clean, clean player. And he has been a very good songwriter including writing his own lyrics. His phrasing is very unique and outstanding. My personal favorite lead is from the song “You Don’t Remember, I’ll Never Forget.” His lead in this song I feel is his best. Every time I hear this I can feel the screaming bloody agony of a ripped apart heart. The emotional, broken hearted pain of this song is in every single second. And when the lead happens, I haven’t heard anyone write and then perform phrasing with such intense, realistic suffering ever in my life. So, if all you hear is some fast notes, that tells me you haven’t heard Yngwie, and you are the musical illiterates I’ve always known you filthy trash to be.
 
              The song “Marching Out” is another outstanding song. It’s a very sexual instrumental. “Brothers” off of Seventh Sign is another beautiful instrumental, it sounds like it maybe should be named something else because it sounds like it’s written for a lost love too. And, to me 1:52-2:16 sounds like he’s screaming to the heavens to return that one true love. Yngwie’s version of “Child in Time” is terrific. Open your fuckin’ ears, you stupid bastards and listen.
My suggestions if you’re a new guitar user for Yngwie Cd’s to get, would be these to get a good idea, and in no particular order:
 
1. Rising Force
2. Marching Out
3. Trilogy
4. Fire and Ice
 
Crappy.
 
 
P.S. In 1987 Yngwie was in a serious car accident and was in a coma for a week and was not expected to live. Here’s a legendary, pioneering player who survived a near death accident. We are all fortunate to have this legendary player still with us today. I can think of many people that wish Randy was still with us. Me among them.

Crappy’s Guitar 101: Episode 3 Vibrato and Bending notes

          This may be the most ignored and over looked ability, while being one of the easiest things to do correctly, and when done correctly, sounds just great. Not to mention, extremely important. Vibrato and note bending is a close family member, brother really, to using the vibrato bar as I covered in Episode 2.
 
 
         Let’s say you can’t pick for shit. Let’s also say, your left hand legato or your left hand anything is also worthless, and you’re lucky to pluck a few notes. Well pal, you’re in luck. Because, being able to bend and vibrato will be the one thing you will be able to do. And, if you do what I say here, you’ll do it very well.
 
 
The Problem 1:  Shallow, Nervous, Uneven sounding vibrato and not to PITCH.
The Problem 2:  Bends that are not to PITCH.
 
 
The Fix :   LOOK then LISTEN.
 
         To vibrato correctly, look at the fret you’re on, then bend that note so the bending note will match the note one fret up.
 
EXAMPLE: You’re on the E string 15th fret, move to the 16th fret E string and pick the 16th fret E string note first to hear how it sounds. Now, go back to the 15th fret, pick that and BEND it up to sound the same as the 16th note, then lower it back down, back up, back down, back up, back down. Making very sure you are listening to only bend to that same exact note on the 16th fret E string, and then lowering the string back to it’s neutral, starting position. Do not bend it beyond the sound of the 16th fret note and don’t fall short of the 16th fret note. There, IT IS THAT EASY.    
 
 
Bending a note is almost identical as using vibrato. Except….
 
EXAMPLE: Except you are bending beyond one fret most of the time. You are going to have to figure out a little in advance where you are on the fret board, and the note you’re going to bend to. In most cases, when someone who knows what they’re doing, they normally will bend 1-3 frets up from their starting point and know that the note they’re bending up to will make sense musically. Your ear is very important in developing both of these techniques.
 
 
           
           When bending a note, more so than vibratoing, have your third finger (ring finger) on the note that’s ringing with the middle and first fingers helping the third finger to bend the note. Also, you can use the fourth finger (pinky) on the note you’re ringing with the other three fingers helping. The more fingers involved, the more strength and control you’ll have to do this technique correctly. When vibratoing, I would still suggest using the third or fourth finger on the ringing note.
 
 
            
             For crying out loud!! Don’t pull a fuckin’ B.B. King, and vibrato with your first finger (index finger)!! It’s not because B.B. King is as wide as he is tall. It’s not because he plays his guitar laying horizontally on top of his fat gut. It’s not because he’s older than dirt. It’s not because he plays an absolutely hideous piece of shit guitar. It’s because doing what he does puts a lot of stress on your finger joint. And just because you might get away with it now, doesn’t mean you always will. And, you don’t know what kind of hand problems King has because of his uneducated, Lucille, crossroads bullshit. So, don’t be a fuckin’ wise-ass!!! Plus, you don’t have any control that’s worth a fuck!!
 
        
          
           A more advanced type of vibrato is what Steve Vai does. Stevie, trys to vibrato as close to the way a violinist and cellist does, which is rocking your finger forward and backward. Doing this creates a true vibrato by making the note go sharp (pulling it backwards away from the fret) and then flat (pushing it forward into the fret).  Well, since a guitar has frets, this is very difficult to do well, if not borderline impossible and impractical. So what Vai has done, is to vibrato with a circular motion in order to try to capture a true vibrato with the pushing and pulling. You could also say he’s massaging the string.
 
             
 
          If you don’t have the time or desire to develop any other technical ability, and want to still sound good, then a little time to get this down and I mean get it down well, then these two things will give you the best bang for your buck. By far the quickest and easiest things to learn and master. Just don’t do it half-assed, because it WILL SOUND HALF-ASSED!!!
 
 
love,
       Crappy.
 
 
p. s. What the fuck are you waiting for??!!  Close your other windows with porn and Go!! Start!!!!!!!!

 

 

Episode 4 Legato below

 

http://crappystruth.wordpress.com/2009/08/01/crappy%e2%80%99s-guitar-101-episode-4-legato/

 

 

 

Episode 1 Pickup Abusers

http://crappystruth.wordpress.com/2009/04/10/crappys-guitar-101-episode-1-pickup-abusers/

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