Yngwie Johann Malmsteen: A Legend, A Pioneer And An Inspiration To Us All

               Yngwie Johann Malmsteen (born Lars Johan Yngve Lannerbäck ) is A Legend, A Pioneer And An Inspiration To Us All. And,  has RIGHTFULLY EARNED the RESPECT of every last one of you filthy, stinking, degenerate, mutherfuckin’ THANKLESS and UNGRATEFUL FUCKIN’ SHEEP RAPISTS, for BEING THE SOLE CREATOR of something that NEVER EXISTED before he came along.

 

 

               Yngwie has been viciously attacked for more years than I care to count. The insults I hear are among the most brainless I’ve heard about anyone. Bullshit about his weight and his poor interview skills are two I’ve heard too many times. Really, who gives a fuckin‘ shit??! And, why would you give a fuckin’ shit???!!! The massive bulk of you filthy, poser fakes, beating up on your own guitar, can’t speak well enough when ordering fries at a drive-through. Of all the players I’ve had the sincere pleasure of meeting, knowing and becoming good friends with throughout the years, and there have been many, Yngwie is the only one that’s slipped through my radar. A number of times we’ve just missed each other by only a few minutes.

 

 

              

               I’ve heard stories both nice and not so nice about Yngwie’s behavior. And, in the end, do you buy someones music, for the kind of person they are in their personal life, or do you buy their music for…..THEIR MUSIC? The enjoyment their music gives you. I’ll tell ya right now, I never have, nor will I EVER base my purchase of an artist’s music on their personality. And, unless all of you are hypocrites, (Sadly, most of you are hypocrites.) YOU WON’T EITHER.

 

 

               

               Now, since I’m right about every fuckin‘ thing I say and write, this column will be just the same. Yngwie has problems, hey, don’t we all!! One difference between most people who are fucked up and Yngwie is, Yngwie is talented and is a pioneer (pioneering is something very few have done in anything), meaning Yngwie started the Shred movement. Yngwie is solely responsible for the concept, the idea for high speed, articulated picking and incorporating a bunch of Paganiniesque, Vivaldi and J.S. Bach flavorings, and harmonic minor into his playing. Yngwie cornered the market on these. So, anyone who tries to play too closely to this, has been called an “Yngwie Clone.” For a player to have such a powerful influence, that a name “Yngwie clone” is created, is really incredible. No other player has matched this feat.

 

 

 

                Before Yngwie, SHREDDING DID NOT EXIST. So, the terms “shred, shredding, shredder” NEVER EXISTED and were applied to Yngwie FIRST. The term “shredded” came into existence first with bodybuilding, describing how extremely lean or “shredded” a bodybuilder was during their competition shows, and then drifted over to describing the technical prowess of guitar players around 1985/1986 and expanded to a few variations.

 

                 

 

                For the six or so years following Edward Van Halen’s meteoric rise to legendary status, prior to Yngwie’s debut release of “Rising Force,” (which by the way earned Yngwie a Grammy nomination) most current and every new player of the time, took advantage of the easy-to-do, and speed of doing the two-handed hammer-on pull-offs that Edward exposed us too. Many people used this technique as a “CRUTCH” (a crutch, sound familiar??!?). A few up-and-coming players at the time tried to stay away from this technique or did very little of it. Randy Rhoads and Jake E. Lee were two players who mostly stayed away from it but used it sparingly. Yngwie put a stop to all this two-handed bullshit.

 

 

 

              Yngwie picked faster than everyone was doing their two-handed shit, and many, many people admitted to total disbelief upon their first few listening’s of Rising Force, that they thought the recording was sped up. Yngwie woke up everyone to the idea that, we better get off out asses, stop bullshitting ourselves and start to really put in time to be a quality player. Yngwie elevated the electric guitar from being what a 60’s scumbag-drug-addict used, to being a respected instrument and to be taken seriously with a world of legitimate potential. 

 

 

                

                One gutless comment I hear about every new Yngwie album that comes out, from countless people is, “It’s sounds just like every other Yngwie album.” Yngwie created something from essentially nothing, and then you fuckers say it sounds like every other album. It sounds like Yngwie. You can make that same exact “sounds like every other album by fill in the blank” comment, about EVERY artist that has ever existed. That’s right!!! EVERY OTHER ARTIST!!!!! Every artist is doing what they do, but when Yngwie is doing his style, suddenly it’s a bad thing. THAT IS CALLED BEING A HYPOCRITE.

 

 

 

             If you’re gonna say that about Yngwie, then tell the truth and say it about ALL. So, will you? Of course you won’t, because so many of you are gutless, spineless fuckin’ cowards. Afraid to stand out, afraid to be a “man.” Afraid to be an individual and not follow what your friends “the sheep” say. Afraid to stake your own claim in this life. No, you won’t, you have no balls. And, you’ll continue to stand on the sidelines and watch life pass you by, and you’ll be a Monday morning quarterback. Yngwie did it HIS WAY. Yngwie may be the only well known player that has stayed true to what he does, and he will be remembered as the legendary pioneer that HE IS.

 

                                                     So, fuck you.

 

 

              Yngwie has consistently, consistently superior vibrato and bends, both always perfectly to pitch. Always a clean, clean player. And he has been a very good songwriter including writing his own lyrics. His phrasing is very unique and outstanding. My personal favorite lead is from the song “You Don’t Remember, I’ll Never Forget.” His lead in this song I feel is his best. Every time I hear this I can feel the screaming bloody agony of a ripped apart heart. The emotional, broken hearted pain of this song is in every single second. And when the lead happens, I haven’t heard anyone write and then perform phrasing with such intense, realistic suffering ever in my life. So, if all you hear is some fast notes, that tells me you haven’t heard Yngwie, and you are the musical illiterates I’ve always known you filthy trash to be.

 

              The song “Marching Out” is another outstanding song. It’s a very sexual instrumental. “Brothers” off of Seventh Sign is another beautiful instrumental, it sounds like it maybe should be named something else because it sounds like it’s written for a lost love too. And, to me 1:52-2:16 sounds like he’s screaming to the heavens to return that one true love. Yngwie’s version of “Child in Time” is terrific. Open your fuckin’ ears, you stupid bastards and listen.

My suggestions if you’re a new guitar user for Yngwie Cd’s to get, would be these to get a good idea, and in no particular order:

 

1. Rising Force

2. Marching Out

3. Trilogy

4. Fire and Ice

 

Crappy.

 

 

P.S. In 1987 Yngwie was in a serious car accident and was in a coma for a week and was not expected to live. Here’s a legendary, pioneering player who survived a near death accident. We are all fortunate to have this legendary player still with us today. I can think of many people that wish Randy was still with us. Me among them.

Crappy’s Guitar 101: Episode 1 Pickup Abusers or Pickup Fuck-ups

          In this new column entitled “Crappy’s Guitar 101″ I’m going to talk about the DO’s and DONT’s of guitardom. This will be a limited run of columns and won’t necessarily be a regular column as in weekly or monthly. But rather, when I feel like it. So, for this alone you may want to check back.

 

         I’ve decided to attempt to teach you knuckle-dragging, cavemen mongrels (if it’s at all possible to teach people so brain-damaged as yourselves) some simple tips, brain-numbing obvious things and general ideas you can implement, to improve your own pathetic playing. Or as I like to call it, your hacking away on that poor defenseless instrument the same as you’re chopping a small tree with a hatchet. Now, playing a guitar well, is not as hard as so many of you may think. Although, for some of you getting that beer or joint to your mouth is a challenge.

 

 

         Because playing the electric guitar technically speaking, is relatively simple. There are only so many ways to do it. Most are incorrect. And, I’ll cover these and other things in future 101’s. So, since there isn’t too much to it, unless you’re one of the tens of millions who like to make a mountain out of a mole hill as is done with playing guitar… my columns will be relatively short. My columns will be broken down into two (2) categories:

 

1. The Problem

 

2. The Fix

 

        Today, I will educate you birdbrain’s about proper use of pickups. When to use which one. What to use when you practice.

 

        I thought youtube was a great Internet goodie in the beginning. Now, it’s more painful than it is fun when watching some kind of music. It allows me to see just how vast the number is of jack-asses who can’t play guitar, and then are complimented be equally stupid, spectator assholes encouraging them by leaving positive comments.

 

The Problem:      Abusing the FRONT or NECK pickup. 

 

This IS the biggest fuck-up I see (AND HEAR!!). On youtube and at any local guitar store.

 

The name of the front pickup is “THE CHEAT PICKUP.”

 

           It’s called the cheat pickup because, if you can’t play clean, flip to the cheat to cover up ALL of your mistakes. The low frequency bass that cuts out most of the treble “HIDES” what you are really doing. And, what you’re really doing is SLOP, SLOP, SLOPPY!!  You are CHEATING!!! You are NOT playing FAST, YOU ARE NOT PLAYING CLEAN. YOU ARE FAKING!!! YOU REALLY CAN NOT PLAY FAST OR CLEAN!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! YOU ARE A LIAR!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! You are lying to everyone listening and most importantly, you are lying to yourself. You putrid fuckers really think you’re kidding US??!!!!!!…..THE EXPERTS!!!!!!!! You LIARS think you’re tricking us, putting one over on us. Bull-Fuckin’-Shit!!!

 

           The front pickup is a crutch to those who can’t play. To those who can play, it’s just another tool for the creation process of this art form.

 

The Fix: The Bridge Pickup aka Rear Pickup.

 

The bridge pickup, DOES NOT LIE !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

The bridge pickup TELLS THE TRUTH !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

The bridge pickup TELLS THE WORLD THE TRUTH ABOUT THE PLAYER YOU REALLY ARE!!!!!!!!!!!!

 

Using the bridge pickup will EXPOSE EVERYTHING YOU ARE DOING WRONG!!!!!!!!

And, for this reason alone, you will use the bridge pickup EXCLUSIVELY DURING YOUR NORMAL DAILY PRACTICING.  

 

When you can play CLEAN with the bridge pickup, you then may use the front pickup as desired and NOT AS A CRUTCH.

 

 Here endeth today’s lesson.

 

Crappy xo

Click the link here for Episode 2: 

http://crappystruth.wordpress.com/2009/05/26/crappys-guitar-101-episode-2-using-the-vibrato-bar/

TOP 10 THINGS TO DO WITH “UNPLUGGED” BY ERIC CLAPTON & A REVIEW OF THE RECORD

I strongly recommend that all of you go out and buy Eric Clapton’s “Unplugged” CD. It’s one of his best-selling records. I know what you’re saying. You’re saying, “But Crappy, what the fuck am I going to do with it once I get it?” I knew you were going to say that, so I present here the Top 10 Things To Do With Eric Clapton’s “Unplugged” followed by a review of the album.

 

Top 10 Things To Do With “Unplugged”

10. Pass it around to your friends and tell them it’s music.

 

9. Throw it down in the streets of Beverly Hills and wait for Ozzy Osbourne to come by and take a piss on it.

 

8. Set up speakers in your garden and play it to keep snails off the cucumbers.

 

7. Two words: Toilet paper.

 

6. Use as picnic plates for very small people like midgets and Cambodians.

 

5. Punishment for children who fail to do their homework.

 

4. Play it at your next party and scare the shit out of all your guests by saying it’s the new Van Halen album.

 

3. Have a shooting contest where everybody gets their rifles and aims for the hole in the middle of the CD. The winner is the person who misses the hole and busts the CD all to hell.

 

2. Leave on the seats of a bunch of drunk bikers’ Harleys and run like hell.

 

1. Take a bunch of them to an Eric Clapton concert and sail them at his head each time he tries to start “Tears in Heaven.”

 

 

Crappy’s Quality Review of “Unplugged”

Here are all the tracks on this record and a brief description of what each song is about.

 

1. “Signe” – French for “sign,” here Clapton sings about signs that should tip you off that he is the shittiest musician ever to pick up a guitar.

 

2. “Before You Accuse Me” – Clapton wrote this song while in jail in Barcelona, Spain, after local authorities arrested him for performing public abortions (also known as Clapton guitar solos).

 

3. “Hey Hey” – This is a tune about the plight of the American farmer, but Clapton misspelled the word “hay.”

 

4. “Tears in Heaven” – One of Clapton’s most famous songs, mistakenly considered to be written about his son. Actually it’s Clapton’s prediction of what’s going to be happening in heaven once his no-talent ass shows up there.

 

5. “Lonely Stranger” – A beautiful ballad about Clapton’s first sexual experience.

 

6. “Nobody Knows You When You’re Down & Out” – This is a recap of Clapton’s life, dedicated to all six of his fans.

 

7. “Layla” – Another of Clapton’s biggest hits, this one about a 12-year-old Dominican prostitute named Layla who taught Clapton how to make chipolte sauce and then gave him the clap.

 

8. “Running on Faith” – A cute song about what Clapton’s been doing his whole career.

 

9. “Walkin’ Blues” – Like Alec Baldwin said in Glengarry Glen Ross, “It’s fuck or walk,” and Clapton’s been walking since the day he picked up the guitar. Here Clapton sings about his travels as a wannabe musician.

 

10. “Alberta” – A song not about the Canadian province but rather about a man Clapton once knew named Albert who was a cross-dressing male homosexual posing as a lesbian predator on life’s stage.

 

11. “San Francisco Bay Blues” – Yet another attempt on Clapton’s part to mislead his listeners into believing he can play blues.

 

12. “Malted Milk” – This song is about Clapton’s favorite mixed drink: milk spiked with Henry Weinhard’s Private Reserve, which makes no more sense than any of his songs.

 

13. “Old Love” – Here Clapton sings about income tax preparation, which was the career he was headed for before some evil motherfucker suggested he should take up the guitar.

 

14. “Rollin’ & Tumblin’” – A song about Clapton’s second sexual experience – and how he had to chase his sister all over the room before she passed out and he could rape her.

 

 

Do you want to know who I am? Who the hell is Crappystruth?? Click this link below to learn more about me.

 http://crappystruth.wordpress.com/2007/07/03/hello-world/

Jimmy “The Slop Bucket” Page Holy Shit Fuckin’ SUCKS!!

Here we are a again for another illustrious episode of SUCKS. And, well,……..this guy, aww shit. Of all the hack players in this continuing series, I have to say this one I mind the least. As bad, horrible of a player as this dork is, he just doesn’t make me as ill or irritates me anywhere near as much as the other pukes. Which doesn’t mean his playing is any better. On the contrary, this clowns playing is the sloppiest of them all. But he reminds me of that dopy, slow kid that ya just feel sorry for. Not developmentally disabled but the kid that just never got picked for greek dodge, baseball, football, hocky…. you see where I’m going with this. Paper Tiger #3 Jimmy Page.

Led Zeppelin, a more deserving name I just can’t think of. Rhythm’s that remind me of how my stomach feels when I eat too much pizza and soda. Like a 20lb. bowling ball in my gut. Lethargic, tired, ready to sleep. This is the music of Led Zep and ole “Slop Bucket” Page. The nicest thing I can say about Zeppelin is to occasionally listen to them is like going to the bad area of town to go slumming. Hell, I’d bang some skank you could treat like the garbage she is once in a while for a change of pace from the good stuff, but I sure as fuckin’ shit wouldn’t cop to it.

Led Zeppelin is another one of these bands that is from the 60’s and still seems to linger around like cigarette smoke lingers in a club and in your clothes long after the smoker is done and gone. I have a friend who likes Zeppelin and once said to me that Zeppelin is a deep band with a lot of complexity and I would really need to know about them and then I would agree with him. You just don’t understand Zeppelin, he said. 

And I also had someone tell me that since I wasn’t around during the 60’s I just don’t understand music from that time along with some other bullshit having to do with the worst band in history, U2 (I’ll get to those fucks soon enough).

Well, let me tell ya both something, I don’t need to put my hand into an open flame to know it will cause pain. I don’t need to put my hand into a beehive to know it’s gonna hurt. I don’t need to fuck with a cobra to know it can kill. Do you see? Just because I didn’t suffer with this stuff, doesn’t mean I can’t understand it. I’ll let you dumb fuckers suffer first, since so many of you will willingly fuck with a cobra to prove it “may not” be dangerous, but you’re not sure. Good!! Go on!! Play with that fuckin’ King Cobra, smack it around a little and let’s see what happens!!

 Alright, let’s get to Page’s playing. When I first began playing guitar, Page was among the players I was told to listen to because he was some great untouchable player. But I soon realized this was not the case. When Page bends notes, he never completes the act of bending it. It’s as though, as he approaches the correct pitch (a pitch he doesn’t even know exists) he mysteriously backs off like he suddenly just forgot what the hell he was doing or got too tired to finish and needs a bit more herion to complete the attempt. But can’t remember where he left off once he’s back from shooting. 

Vibrato??  What the hell is….”Vibrato???”  Oooh shit.

When Page try’s to play fast, he sounds similar to when you try to run through quicksand. A lot of effort but no results. Just sooo fuckin’ sloppy. And combining booze and herion isn’t quite the “breakfast of champions” as I recall. Not to mention his guitars are junk.

Everytime I see a video clip or photo of Page after he plays a lead, he looks like an old black and white movie version of Dr. Frankenstein’s assistant Igor with those huge bug eyes, doing a wheezing laugh and drool streaming down the center of his bottom lip. The fact that Page is still alive shows he’s a freak of nature. And with this impending reunion “joke” of a tour  that may happen, you just know one or all of these feeble and decrepit hacks are gonna drop dead before it’s all over. This is another example of millions of ex-hippies having another opportunity to get fucked up and go see one of their favorite drug addict, alcoholic shit bands one more time.  

                                                                 Crappy….

 

Do you want to know who I am? Who the hell is Crappystruth?? Click this link below to learn more about me.

 http://crappystruth.wordpress.com/2007/07/03/hello-world/

Carlos “Am I in Tune???” Santana, Totally Fuckin SUCKS!

Well, well, here we are again for another edition of “SUCKS.” And in this installment, boy do we have another musical pile-o-shit doozy! I know him as the local, filthy, motor oil covered, corner gas station mechanic down the street that I wouldn’t trust putting gas in my car let alone do any work on it. But sadly, all you dorks know him as Carlos Santana. Paper Tiger #2. In my previous post I talked about Eric “Arthritis Hands” Clapton, well, this fuck is right on par with Clapton. Although,  Mr. “Am I in Tune???” Santana, maybe just a small notch lower.

Before Ibanez began to conquer the world of the store bought, “off-the-rack” guitar in 1987, courtesy of Ibanez’s savior and patron saint Steve Vai, you really only had a few choices when it came to a quality guitar. If you had the money to pay the inflated high price, you bought a Jackson or Chravel, this is when they appeared to be separate companies, but Grover Jackson bought the Charvel company from Wayne Charvel around November or so of 1978.

 The Jackson name wasn’t used until the “Rhoads Concorde” came out in 1980 and Grover didn’t want this experimental model to adversely affect the rest of the Charvel line so Grover put his last name on it, Jackson, in case it didn’t sell.  Or your other choices were Kramer, Gibson and Fender. Yes, yes Asshole!! I know there are other companies but these were the big, important ones of the time! The others are irrelavant, and I’m telling this story, so fuck you! 

A small guitar builder by the name of Paul Reed Smith was working his way up the business ladder and producing some axes that were a bit on the expensive side but different and pretty cool.  Skipping over a few years to around the early mid 90’s I and many of my friends went into total shock and I think even a couple of my friends needed defibrillating paddles applied to them, when we all learned Carlos “Am I in Tune???” Santana received a major, and I mean major, indorsement deal with Paul Reed Smith!!! Holy fuckin’ shit!!! I remember passing out and being revived with a glass of cold water to my face.

There were a large number of known fantastic guitar players that didn’t even get offered a small deal from PRS let alone anything. In particular a guy I knew personally that was a ridiculously smokin’ player and he had to do some serious coaxing just to get them to release a couple of PRS guitars for him to do some clinics with. So to see this son-of-a-bitch get this huge deal, reminded me of that Super Friends cartoon with Superman’s doppelganger opposite named Bizarro who was evil and could do everything Superman could do, except he had the brain of a moron. Kinda like most of your brains. Bizarro world is what I’m living in.

This was also within the first few years of the grunge/alternative scene when the more you sucked on guitar, bass, vocals, as a being of Earth the better promotion you got. Very much like rewarding bad behavior and punishing the good. Not very much like.. this is EXACTLY what happened and is still happening. Before this happened, PRS Guitars had a growing reputation of a quality instrument and a potentially growing reputation of attracting a roster of REAL quality talent which is what I would think was the making of a perfectly symbiotic relationship. Well, after this major fuck up, was not to be. That dream went right out the fuckin’ window.

Well, now let’s get to his playing. Something that no matter how long someone who plays a guitar plays, in “theory” a person should get better. This is not the case here as with everyone on my ever growing list and with I’m sure all of you. “Am I in Tune???” Santana plays the guitar with the identical skill of a clumsy child. A 4 year old child during a gran-maul seizure. When doing a music video, you have some freedom to move around and put on a bit of a show without having to worry about really playing. Your job is to get into the video and sell the tune. Look like you’re having fun or be the character you’re supposed to be acording to the song. This is something that a person with even the most elementary  motor skills can pull off. But not the grease monkey. He’s hunched over his guitar looking like a deer frozen in headlights.

Bending to pitch and vibrato are ideas unknown to this chimp. Youtube I like for many reasons. For one it allows me to save my money until I’ve sampled enough to know if it’s worth buying. Santana’s music in a nutshell is boring, plain and simple. Santana writes with the same structures as a 12 year old plucking while watching cartoons. Santana is a great example of the listener really needing to be either drunk, high or both to find anything redeemable in his hacking away on that poor inocent guitar.

When I was a kid, if I attempted to even slightly play something sloppy I was berated by my real talented friends to the point to turn back on my metronome and do what so many of you hacks and the hacks on my list either don’t, won’t or can’t do……to focus and exercise discipline to play correctly. That is asking waaay too much of all of you to do. Santana improvises with the same results as someone trying to speak with an advanced case of Duchenne Muscular Dystrophy. If you enjoy listening to Santana, you must also enjoy smelling other peoples farts.

                           Here endeth the lesson.

              Love, Crappy.

 

Do you want to know who I am? Who the hell is Crappystruth?? Click this link below to learn more about me.

 http://crappystruth.wordpress.com/2007/07/03/hello-world/

Why YOU Over Paid by Hundreds to Tens of Thousands of Dollars for YOUR Electric Guitar and should have YOUR Fuckin’ Head Bashed In for Doing It.

I don’t really know when it all became a tidal wave of price insanity. But it has gone so absolutely fuckin’ overboard the only other thing that these guitar prices resemble are the insane prices of classic muscle cars. In this post you may have to really use that bird-brain of yours and pay really close attention here cause this subject gets me so damn worked up (as if nothing else does),  I may be all over the place with this one. There was a time when an American made axe was the thing to own because “American Made” meant the highest quality…period. And I still feel that way, but today, that highest quality is only found in small, custom built shops by a tiny handful of the most incredible luthiers and pieces of functional art they create I’ve ever encountered!!

You may be asking yourselves, “Gee…..I wonder who these people are?? I’d like to check out these guitars! Where are they at? How could they make guitars better then my favorite store bought guitars? They can’t be as good as something from the big name custom shops, right? Can they?? I wonder what they look like? How much do they cost? What the hell is a luthier??!!! Why can’t I continue to be the lazy dumbfuck I am and blow my money on worthless, way, way overpriced junk like I always do?!!” Well, to answer that last one, you can continue to.

Now, I’ve got my own price ranges for off-the-rack guitars that I don’t violate. I will and do walk away with a clear conscience. I’ve never gotten fucked because of this.  I’ll normally buy used gear since what I buy is in some way very special and unique. And I know what it is I’m looking at and I have yet to find a seller I bought something from including from major guitar stores, who really knew what valuable gem it was that I’m relieving them of for a sick, basement price. You can do this too, but will you? Unlikely. Being a true shredding player as I’ve been, affords me the know-how ability to know what the score is and to take advantage of it when it comes along. 

                     

               Store bought guitars; Prices and problems or lack thereof and what you’re really getting.

People today have this misconception that if their guitar is made in Japan, Taiwan, China, Korea, Indonesia (or whatever Asian country), Mexico etc.. that it’s in some way a piece of shit or sub-par to here in the States, relative to it’s American counterpart. That may have been true 20 to 30 years ago, but no longer (with a few exceptions for example Washburns entry level guitars specifically their X Series x9 now discontinued in that range. I tried a few of those out and the burs on the end of the frets were not removed and sliced up my hand. I found these in a Sam Ash store). Again, I am talking about mass produced, in-store stuff.

A big benefit to having some things made overseas in a second or third world country where they work for $2 a week is cool shit at a low price and a lot of it now, is made pretty fuckin good. I remember when Fender put out their first batch of Squire’s made in Mexico in ’90 or ‘91 I think, and Guitar Center was selling them for $179 and the lowest price I saw once was $149. A few of these toys actually played okay. Good enough in fact that I looked into buying 6 of them at a better bulk rate price to use during some shows to destroy live on stage.

In most cases with store bought, off the shelf guitars, wood is wood is wood. If you care that much about your wood, electronics and all the ingredients, you’ll go to a super high-end specialty builder like I mentioned above. But I’m sure you’re not, so…..the expensive guitars for what they’re charging isn’t much better than that companies lower end stuff.  Their price differential doesn’t reflect what you’re getting. Or what you’re really NOT getting. These guitars that are priced at $1,500 and way up into orbit, are made by machine. For that kind of money,  I want that fuckin’ axe to be breastfeed, burped, it’s ass powdered and gently rocked to sleep before it’s placed into my hands. In short, to have a ton of personal attention. For the companies that say, “Ours are hand made” the translation really means is they’ve got some clown standing by with a screwdriver and one screw to put in by hand so they can make that claim.

If you’re gonna buy “new” some makes and models I would suggest would be: Ibanez RG 550 now reissued in a 20th anniversary edition with some serious upgrades and they play even better than the originals. Jackson’s Dinky models, some are pretty damn good. Maybe some very minor adjustments when you get home with them and you’re off and burnin’. The biggest waste of money for an “illusion” are the upper end Les Paul’s and Fender Strat’s. I just can’t get over the price that so many of you dumb fuckin bastards shell out for this shit junk.

Before I get into that can-o-shit and boy will I, I’m not done with what to buy. Price ranges for new guitars should be from about $350-$800 plus tax but not over $800. That’s what you’re paying not that MSRP or that “sale” price bullshit. If you want something in particular done to your new baby, you can always find a local guy looking to make a name for himself to do some upgrades for you at a pretty reasonable price. From a simple pickup swap to a pretty bitchen paint job with graphics. Your guitar will be a very unique, one of a kind axe with your personality all over it. And the most important thing is, in the end you’ll have a totally ass-kickin guitar in every way for much less than that $5,000 – $30,000 off the rack junk that will totally out play those pieces of shit. 

Brian Setzer Gretsch Hollow Body Electric Guitar Limited to 59 List $30,000,  EVH “Frankenstrat” Limited to 300 List $25,000, Fender Custom Shop Jeff Beck Tribute Esquire Limited Edition Electric Guitar $15,000 List, Fender Limited Edition Relic Andy Summers Telecaster List $15,000, Paul Reed Smith Private Stock Custom $10,000, ESP KH20 Kirk Hammett Signature Model  $9,999, ESP Limited Editon GL20 George Lynch $8,999, And this bullshit goes on and on and on and…..

So…Les Paul’s and Strat’s. These guitars represent old, tired, outdated technology that never upgraded with innovation’s and new technology to change with the times and grow beyond what they were. This is overall crap by todays standards that was the best it could be for the 1950’s.  But now just has-been’s and over priced. I always laugh my ass off when I hear so many of you head trauma’s use the word “vintage” like you knuckle dragging butt-fucks really know what the fuck your talking about let alone what the word means.

Let’s see if I can continue to help you here. VERY FEW things that are old are vintage but everything to you corner gas station grease monkeys is vintage because you know nothing and I know everything. Vintage means “rare” and “special” representing the highest quality of a past time which supports what I just said in the previous paragraph’s beginning. So mass produced clones even when called “limited edition” and “relic” (Relic, another fuckin’ joke and possibly the biggest joke, you stupid ditchdiggers fall for.) are not vintage anything but to you blind sheep they are.

There have been a pretty large variety of guitars that have come out over the years and in particular from Fender. Many by Fender came out in the sixties that were experimental and came with, wacky body styles and the wood for the bodies I fuckin’ swear must  be plywood with screwball switches/toggles, useless attempts at making bridges with vibrato bars where the strings partially wrap around a rounded piece of metal. Then there’s Gibson’s 1962 SG and the 1963 Les Paul custom 2 more pieces of shit. Hofner…ugh shit. And suddenly…..as abrupt as they appeared, they disappeared. Then low and behold,  some 40 odd years later they reappear again as “vintage reissues.” Buyers by the thousands flock to snatch up these reissues. Well, I got news for ya, ya bird-brain jack-offs, there was a reason why all of them were discontinued and instantly became extinct over 40+ years ago…..BECAUSE THEY FUCKIN’ SUCKED!!!!!!!!!

Why have they reissued them and will continue to reissue their old, poorly designed garbage, made with the  cheapest materials that could be found??! Because they know something you don’t. “What is it they know that I don’t? Shit! I’m a smart guy! I buy my beer when it’s on sale sometimes. I watch the evening news to see the sports scores when they come on. See, I keep up!!” What they know is YOU, ALL OF YOU, can’t think for yourselves and can be told and sold a polished pile of shit and you’ll be proud to be the first on your block to own it and show it off to your equally idiotic neighbors, who don’t want to be one upped by you, and will run out and get their very own polished turd. To show everyone, “See!! I’m on top of things too!! I know what is good cause this is what I was told was good! See I’m an independent thinker!! I’m my own person and I can almost think for myself!”

 

Do you want to know who I am? Who the hell is Crappystruth?? Click this link below to learn more about me.

 http://crappystruth.wordpress.com/2007/07/03/hello-world/

Eric “Arthritis Hands” Clapton SUCKS.

If you recall on my front page I mentioned having the beginnings of a list of guitar players initials that absolutely suck major donkey rectum. Well, let’s start here. Paper Tiger number one: Eric Clapton. Now, for the most part, I don’t have anything personally against this clown or any of them for that matter with the distinct exception of one. That “one” I will make crystal clear when I’m good and fuckin’ ready.  

Maybe Clapton’s a cool guy, maybe he’s not. Either way I don’t give a rat’s fuckin’ ass. This is only about his/their playing ability or really his/their lack of, and all you brain-dead sheep-following fuckers who perpetuate the lie of this guy and all the rest’s alleged ability that really doesn’t exist. Many, if not all of these problems that apply to this guy will apply to the rest. I will take great joy in repeating every single one of their short comings in each of their respective posts.

When we are all growing up, we look up to people that have qualities we would like to emulate and with most kids those people are usually in some form of entertainment. Things we thought were totally cool and unbelievable at 10 years old, isn’t so boggling at 16. The problem with most wannabe rock musicians (as if there was only one, Haa haa haa!!!) is they don’t grow beyond that 15, 16 year old mentality. This is where you fuckin’ shitheads come in.

The more schooling you complete, the better off you will be in life. Knowledge is power as they say. The more you know, the farther you will go. It doesn’t get any fuckin’ simpler than that.  And, this is true of everything.  I know this is true. So many of you musically illiterate don’t agree.  Having a good working knowledge of music (harmony and theory) and music vocabulary (arpeggios, scales, phrasing ability etc..) and the physical/technical  ability (using a metronome, slow accurate practicing, correct hand positioning, vibrato, note bending) to pull it all off. 

Your consistency will progressively make you a better player. You can’t help but get better and be a REAL well rounded and competent musician with a very good command of the instrument. Blending fast as well as slow to create a well balanced audio piece of art. But according to so many of you motherfuckin idiots this just can’t be right.

I’ve heard all the bullshit in-comp excuses, ” Theory ruins the creativity. Players who play fast don’t “feel” they don’t play with “feeling.” Playing with “feel” to ALL of you musically challenged morons, is to sloppily bend notes and never to pitch. To have vibrato that is sickeningly shallow and sounds like the guitar abuser is sitting on a washing machine during spin cycle. How do you living abortions know that someone who plays a fast, clean run isn’t “FEELING” it?!! Of course musical hacks like “Arthritis Hands” Clapton and the others to soon be named (including most if not ALL of you reading this) don’t know the first thing about using let alone possessing any technical ability to express himself.

Clapton is one of a few flukes that has had continued success due to the fact he’s been part of the drug-induced 60’s and through heavy duty drug abuse and fuzzy memories by millions of hippie stoner-addicts, he and others have maintained their loyal following by these drugged freaks and continued by the brainwashing of the unfortunate children and grandchildren of these drug addict hippies. Children who are likely dimwitted and weak-minded to begin with due to their fucked up parents.” Thanks Mom and Dad!! Will you please pass the reefer and my favorite happy face acid!!!!”

“Arthritis Hands” Clapton isn’t a guitar hero, ( I begin to choke back down bile saying hero and Clapton in the same sentence) what he is along with most of the rest is a folk song writer who uses a little distortion (and they all have consistently shitty tone at that). That’s all they are. Nothing more. But all of you want them to be something more…..more than what they really are, and that will never happen. “Arthritis Hands” sings with the same power and emotion as someone who for the last 40 years has been a 4 pack a day Pall Mall Red pack smoker with emphysema.

“Arthritis Hands” Clapton doesn’t bend to pitch ever,  his vibrato is never even and it sounds like he’s a beginner that’s been playing for only 2 weeks, his less than half-ass attempts at playing in a blues vein result in badly insulting real blues players not to mention forcing me to regurgitate food I ate 2 days ago, his lame-ass attempts at “acting” like he’s playing fast is almost as painful as Carlos “Am I in Tune??” Santana’s horseshit. Clapton’s stage presence…..he has none. Put Clapton in a room full of manequin’s and I couldn’t pick him out, even if he began to sing (cough! cough! cough!) it’ll sound like a cheap $10 radio set on AM from Radio Shack.

So….huummm…..how are we doin’ so far ehy’ kids? Are ya pissed off at me yet?? You all should’ve been pissed off with the title alone, right?? And by now I’m gonna guess you wanna strangle me. And I do understand this, since all of you have the identical brain function as Dr. Frankenstein’s monster. I can almost hear your growling and moaning, haa haa haa!!!

Well, so many of you are under the misguided and warped view that ”Arthritis Hands” Clapton is a blues player, well you couldn’t be more wrong, except when “I” tell you you’re wrong. Now, this is gonna be a tough little exercise for all of you little sheep to follow, but here it goes….I’m not normally into the blues but there are only just a few living blues men still alive who have earned the right to be called “Blues Men” and called “LEGENDS” and I’m gonna tell ya who they are and these are off the top of my head. They are: Buddy Guy, Joe Bonamassa, Gary Moore (when he’s in the mood), and I’ll throw in Johnny Winter for a good rounded measure.

These are players you little sheep WILL check out. Why?? One: Because I fuckin’ said so. Two: Because these are players who possess qualities that Clapton and the rest never have and at this stage in their lives, never will.  The ability to totally manhandle their guitar and make it do their bidding while simultaneously being impressive showmen. From the beginning of their set to the end, with every note played from a gentle, watery tear to a screaming attack, these “LEGENDS” truly know what the fuck their doing….end of lesson.

                                    Your pal,  Crappy.

Do you want to know who I am? Who the hell is Crappystruth?? Click this link below to learn more about me.

 http://crappystruth.wordpress.com/2007/07/03/hello-world/

NO Fuckin’ chick can Rock. Broads CAN NOT Rock and Chick Bands Totally FUCKIN’ SUCK!!

I thought I would deviate a little in this installment of SUCKS to focus on the continuing proliferation of dog shit chick bands. Before I begin, here are MY exceptions to MY rule. They are Phantom Blue (the original members) and Vixen. Phantom Blue was considered a female Racer X, the one and only. And maybe an additional group of females under about 5 total that I’ve heard that have some ability to use an electric guitar. This has nothing to do with male member bands who have female singers, and there are only a few bands that I accept with female singers because these females are genuine powerhouses (these bands to be named later).

Watching a typical group of dingbat broads attempting to use musical instruments is just like watching someones pet trying to pull it’s stuck head out of a paper bag. No matter how many times I watch it, I just can’t stop laughing. Chicks, with the rare exceptions, do not possess the physical strength and dexterity to develop the technical ability to play a stringed instrument. Chick bands overall, at best are a novelty but really chick bands are the funniest joke in the music world.

“Hey, Crappy, what’s wrong with girl bands?? I think your head’s up your ass, dude!! Girls can rock just as hard as any guy bands out there. Bonnie Raitt can rock you asshole!! Avril Lavigne can rock!” I’ve heard these and other similar feeble comments that are all based in utter fantasy land. You little “twats” that throw this silly shit at me is like throwing a stick at the side of a 50 story building and expecting some damage to occur.

Besides these typical idiot chicks lacking any form of physical and technical ability, the songs they come up with are just the worst shit. I’m not a fan of The Runaways at all, but I’ll give ‘em credit for in some way being original. I’ve found it strange how most if not all butch-dykes are into The Runaways but way more so, other chick bands where the songs are guy bashing. And they’ve got this theme of “woman power” which I find funny. Woman power…..I’m gonna try to stay away from that bunch-a-shit except to say, it was, it is, and will always be….. a man’s world. So get used to it.

Oh, and just a little “secret tip” here for all ya dumb, little, fat and skinny bitches….. chopping off your hair, getting tattoos and piercings won’t change the fact that so many of you are fuckin’ ugly. Be it fat-ass tubs or skinny bean poles it really doesn’t matter. The more of that shit you do to yourselves the fewer guys are gonna want to fuckin’ deal with you.

I personally don’t like tat’s on a chicks lower back, let alone anywhere else on her body. When I’m plowing some chick from behind and I see this, it’s like having a big neon sign I’m looking down on saying, “Eat at Joe’s” or “Toyota’s biggest dealership west of the Mississippi,” I fuckin’ hate it!!! And having piercings through area’s “south of the border” on a chick. When I go “downtown,” on some chick, I want to see, smell, and taste the girl. That’s all. I don’t want to be shockingly and angrily surprised to see “YKK” while I’m down there.

And, let’s not forget how miserable it is to be within 30 feet of a bitter, mean, wretched, nasty and hateful fuckin’ bitch. It’s hard enough for a guy to get drunk enough to charity fuck your ass, but to have to close his eyes and pretend you look okay while putting up with your man bashing bullshit, after a large number of hard drinks is just asking way too much.

Back to the subject. Some names mentioned above I’ll comment on. Bonnie Raitt, isn’t a rocker. She’s another of too many that get confused with rockers by you ignorant twinks. Raitt is a folk/country performer. Occasionally using a distorted guitar tone a “rocker” does not make. Here is some “Rock 101″ for ya, an acustic guitar is used to intro the main body of a song and then coming out of the main body of the song to it’s ending. Or for some songs entirely for an occasional ballad. Also for the biggest abomination, “unplugged.” Yes, anything “unplugged” is the biggest humiliation a rock/metal band can perform on themselves. What’s wrong with girl band’s? I just got done telling you, ya thick headed asshole.

Avril Lavigne…. aside from me having a little interest in plowing her back 40 little ass, the music she’s done is sometimes cute, but mostly goofy. To hear what material this chick would really like to be playing but will never have the stones to do it, you can check out Pintsize at Pintsizerocks.com . This material for this style of music which I normally don’t like, really kicks ass. This band is very, very tight as I would expect them to be with world renowned axeman Paul Gilbert ensuring things are done right while at the same time Paul handling guitar duties.

This chick who’s fronting this band is going by the name “Pint” I have to say really knows her fuckin’ shit and my hat’s off to her. The production of these tunes I’m so happy to say is very good as well. The tunes that are avaliable to hear for free on their site and myspace page are all soooo strong and so enjoyable I really look forward to getting their CD and seeing them live.

See, that wasn’t so bad! I started off with cleaning your wound that’s called your brain and ended with some edification. This may not be the end of this chick stuff for me, but for now….go …play with yourselves…..and Pint, she’s a tasty one!

Your Pal, Crappy…

The Aerosmith rap/hip-hop connection.

As in my title page I mention the band Aerosmith is somehow in cahoots with rap/hip-hop. This band receiving by me sole credit for opening the sewer gates to the rise of the worst entity creation since Nazi Germany. Now, I’m a hard rock “Rocker” to the core, make no mistake about it. I believe in rebellion, rebellious activities and all around ”fun” that most rock/metal covers along with other styles that cover political stuff (those bands to be named in future posts) and of course fun, loose, by the seat of your pants rock (those bands also to be named later)  and an all around general stimulation and shaking up of things. Stagnation is a killer. Having said this, I must clarify that rap/hip-hop in no way fits into this or any other musical concepts.

What rap/hip-hop does possess is the innate ability to provoke and encourage blind, meaningless violence and death. There never has, nor will ever be anything in anyway, shape, or form that is redeemable about this sewer-rat diarrhea.  I’ve seen how these ex-con’s and soon to be re-incarcerated in state penitentiary savages act at their own award shows. Including the times when it wasn’t reported by the media.  Award shows that reward this sewer-rat vomit only the criminally insane consider legitimate music. These walking shit-pies are below the lowest rung on the evolutionary ladder, both musically and otherwise. There was a time not so long ago when someone was considered an outcast to be just 1/5th  the violent, street-trash scumbag, these full-blown, degenerate, life-long criminals are today.

So, anyway, before we came into the 80’s the music world was saved from the evil creature in the 70’s called “disco” by one of the two greatest bands ever called….. Van Halen (that will be a post unto itself). As bands progressed into the 80’s, musicianship was fast becoming  better and better because of Eddie Van Halen and Yngwie Malmsteen’s pioneering abilities. Rap at this time was looking for a way to legitimize itself before it dropped off the map like other inner city horseshit. It was still in the shitty streets of the larger tenements and slums of major cities along with break dancing and the rest of this low-life bullshit that had it’s days numbered.

At this time, bands from the 70’s were having a lot of difficulty with their feeble attempts at trying to keep up with, let alone compete with these new and very talented bands of the 80’s.  Specifically smokin’ guitar players, colorful front-men and just very good musicianship combined with showmanship, way cool songs and a style that was fresh and very cool. Aerosmith were a bunch of drug addicts which was no secret and they were really, very quickly on their way out. They were copying the younger bands clothes and other things to try to keep up but it really wasn’t working.

The Aerosmith burn-outs were at the “do or die” point of their tired, all-over-with career and were willing to try “anything” to resurrect their exhausted, drugged-out carcasses from the ashes of “has-been’s.” Enter Run McDLT…oops!!…uh…..Run DMC (originally called “Orange Crush”).  I will give credit to the fans of all the fake, poser  popular gutless excuse for rock of today in that at least they are aware of a small portion of rock history. I’ve talked to many people who are up to and well over the age of 30 years old who are very much into rap/hip-hop and not one of these “hardcore rap fans” knows who Run DMC is. Run DMC…..the godfathers of modern-day rap/hip-hop and these bastards don’t even get their comeuppance relatively speaking. Run McDLT should be very proud of this subterranean world of sewer shit they’ve created that’s now above ground and deserve everything their getting…..or NOT getting which ever is worse.

1986 was the beginning of the end.  Run McDLT put out their album Raising Hell with a featured song and sickening video on MTV, a collaboration with Aerosmith entitled Walk this Way a mutilated version of the original piece of shit song off Aerosmith’s 1976 album Toys in the Attic. This was to give Aerosmith an extended career on borrowed time and the chance for scumbag shit-piles everywhere to capitalize on the ever increasing decline of all that was once great and full of hope. To create and market to teens and early 20’s people who in every 6 to 18 months seem to get more and more fuckin’ stupid with every breath. A window that appears to close smaller and smaller as we go along. There are some metal bands that I have no respect for that embraced this abomination in their own idiotic way and reinforced it for a group of years.

The way I understand it to be, 80% of all rap/hip-hop CD sales are made by white kids (when the fuck are they gonna wake up). And in the last 12-18 months sales have been down by as much as 20% if the stats I’ve read are accurate which I sure as holy fuckin’ shit hope. Could this be the beginning of the end of rap/hip-hop? Oh, joy joy!!

 

Do you want to know who I am? Who the hell is Crappystruth?? Click this link below to learn more about me.

 http://crappystruth.wordpress.com/2007/07/03/hello-world/