Carlos “Am I in Tune???” Santana, Totally Fuckin SUCKS!

Well, well, here we are again for another edition of “SUCKS.” And in this installment, boy do we have another musical pile-o-shit doozy! I know him as the local, filthy, motor oil covered, corner gas station mechanic down the street that I wouldn’t trust putting gas in my car let alone do any work on it. But sadly, all you dorks know him as Carlos Santana. Paper Tiger #2. In my previous post I talked about Eric “Arthritis Hands” Clapton, well, this fuck is right on par with Clapton. Although,  Mr. “Am I in Tune???” Santana, maybe just a small notch lower.

Before Ibanez began to conquer the world of the store bought, “off-the-rack” guitar in 1987, courtesy of Ibanez’s savior and patron saint Steve Vai, you really only had a few choices when it came to a quality guitar. If you had the money to pay the inflated high price, you bought a Jackson or Chravel, this is when they appeared to be separate companies, but Grover Jackson bought the Charvel company from Wayne Charvel around November or so of 1978.

The Jackson name wasn’t used until the “Rhoads Concorde” came out in 1980 and Grover didn’t want this experimental model to adversely affect the rest of the Charvel line so Grover put his last name on it, Jackson, in case it didn’t sell.  Or your other choices were Kramer, Gibson and Fender. Yes, yes Asshole!! I know there are other companies but these were the big, important ones of the time! The others are irrelavant, and I’m telling this story, so fuck you!

A small guitar builder by the name of Paul Reed Smith was working his way up the business ladder and producing some axes that were a bit on the expensive side but different and pretty cool.  Skipping over a few years to around the early mid 90’s I and many of my friends went into total shock and I think even a couple of my friends needed defibrillating paddles applied to them, when we all learned Carlos “Am I in Tune???” Santana received a major, and I mean major, endorsement deal with Paul Reed Smith!!! Holy fuckin’ shit!!! I remember passing out and being revived with a glass of cold water to my face.

There were a large number of known fantastic guitar players that didn’t even get offered a small deal from PRS let alone anything. In particular a guy I knew personally that was a ridiculously smokin’ player and he had to do some serious coaxing just to get them to release a couple of PRS guitars for him to do some clinics with. So to see this son-of-a-bitch get this huge deal, reminded me of that Super Friends cartoon with Superman’s doppelganger opposite named Bizarro who was evil and could do everything Superman could do, except he had the brain of a moron. Kinda like most of your brains. Bizarro world is what I’m living in.

This was also within the first few years of the grunge/alternative scene when the more you sucked on guitar, bass, vocals, as a being of Earth the better promotion you got. Very much like rewarding bad behavior and punishing the good. Not very much like.. this is EXACTLY what happened and is still happening. Before this happened, PRS Guitars had a growing reputation of a quality instrument and a potentially growing reputation of attracting a roster of REAL quality talent which is what I would think was the making of a perfectly symbiotic relationship. Well, after this major fuck up, was not to be. That dream went right out the fuckin’ window.

Well, now let’s get to his playing. Something that no matter how long someone who plays a guitar plays, in “theory” a person should get better. This is not the case here as with everyone on my ever growing list and with I’m sure all of you. “Am I in Tune???” Santana plays the guitar with the identical skill of a clumsy child. A 4 year old child during a gran-maul seizure. When doing a music video, you have some freedom to move around and put on a bit of a show without having to worry about really playing. Your job is to get into the video and sell the tune. Look like you’re having fun or be the character you’re supposed to be according to the song. This is something that a person with even the most elementary  motor skills can pull off. But not the grease monkey. He’s hunched over his guitar looking like a deer frozen in headlights.

Bending to pitch and vibrato are ideas unknown to this chimp. Youtube I like for many reasons. For one it allows me to save my money until I’ve sampled enough to know if it’s worth buying. Santana’s music in a nutshell is boring, plain and simple. Santana writes with the same structures as a 12 year old plucking while watching cartoons. Santana is a great example of the listener really needing to be either drunk, high or both to find anything redeemable in his hacking away on that poor innocent guitar.

When I was a kid, if I attempted to even slightly play something sloppy I was berated by my real talented friends to the point to turn back on my metronome and do what so many of you hacks and the hacks on my list either don’t, won’t or can’t do……to focus and exercise discipline to play correctly. That is asking waaay too much of all of you to do. Santana improvises with the same results as someone trying to speak with an advanced case of Duchene Muscular Dystrophy. If you enjoy listening to Santana, you must also enjoy smelling other peoples farts.

Here endeth the lesson.

Love, Crappy.

Do you want to know who I am? Who the hell is Crappystruth?? Click this link below to learn more about me.

 https://crappystruth.wordpress.com/2007/07/03/hello-world/

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27 CommentsLeave a comment

  1. LOL.. A whole lotta Frustration & hatred!!
    Get over it dude. he made it & u didn’t.
    If you think u r better than him, lets hear your songs.

    Crappy here,
    Hello Dickless,
    Thanks for your comment. You are one of the many pig rectums I’m talking too and about. What I create and all the others who are as incredibly talented as myself create, is way over your head and your fellow animal rapists. You are unable to recognize TRUE quality and TRUE talent just like ALL jack-offs, who are just like you. So, by me showing you or ANY of your moron comrades, any of my material or any material by the people I respect is useless. Continue to drink your plain wrap beer, butt-fucking barnyard animals and the warm stench of your own cesspool.

    Have a great day, asshole!!

  2. Woah…Someone needs an attitude check. You think ur so high and mighty dissing other players out of your mothers basement while fingering your asshole 15 times a day. The man has got a point. These people have made it, and where the fuck are you. Why dont we hear some of your talent, champ! What you said about clapton was true, but you are horribly mis-guided about everything else. Steve Vai over John Pettruci?!? Steve vai couldnt write a catchy lick even if greyskull was dangling him by the balls! John pettruci is an amazing player, probably the best in the world right now, and if you listened to his solo records, he plays with as much emotion as in the blues. And yngwie malmsteen as a good player…. What im more impressed at is how he keeps sane after playing the same harmonic minor licks over and over again for the past 20 something years. You sir, are a dumbass

    Crappy here,
    Aahhh! Another satisfied customer!! You’ve got a funny line though, so I’ll give ya credit for that. You, monkey dick, are another great example of how dangerous a half wit can be. You are one of tens of millions of brainless sheep that wouldn’t know quality if it clocked your fuckin’ face. Pettruci can’t write a decent phrase. If he could, it wouldn’t have taken over 20 years to do. Pettruci is almost as boring and lifeless as Michael Angelo. And these two noise makers, are as pleasant to the ear as a chainsaw. And since you’re a Santana fan……mmmmm!! you must really enjoy sniffing those farts!!

    Good night, and fuck off. 🙂 xo

  3. hahahhaahahh i love the article. Santana does indeed suck. All his songs sound exactly the same and i laughed alot during the reading. Everything you said is true, about his videos and simple song structures. All his solos start out with a huge bend and he does this lick over and over again in all his songs

  4. Mad cause you couldn’t suck his dick? Or probably mad cause you have a little needle dick. Same goes with the fag Carson, he’s your cheerleader lol.

    Crappy here,
    Thank you for your comment here. You are a perfect, typical example of the grease-monkey, stoner Tard into this lame excuse for a musician.

  5. Hi! I was surfing and found your blog post… nice! I love your blog. 🙂 Cheers! Sandra. R.

    Crappy here,

    Hey, thank you Sandra!!
    Cheers to you too!!

    Crapster…

  6. Crappy you are rock!!! I love your review of Jimmy Page, Eric Suck Cock Clapton, and Carlos Commie am I in Tune Santana. Keep up the great work.
    Shorkey

  7. Crappy you rock!!! I love your review of Jimmy Page, Eric Suck Cock Clapton, and Carlos Commie am I in Tune Santana. Keep up the great work.
    Shorkey

  8. Buddy, it is just sad. Writing in such a disrespectful and negative way. Every person has an opinion, but it is important, to express it in the right way. You are free not to like things, but why express it in such a way? Trust me, most people don’t like it. Be nice, and people will be nice to you.

  9. lolsantana. I disagree with a lot of your words, but these are true. He sucks, spams the pentatonic scales and is sloppy out of his right. What’s sad is that he’s credited for playing an important role in Latin bossa nova music, when clearly, he’s done about as much to bossa nova as Metallica has done to true heavy metal. Also, niggers.

  10. Yah fuck Carlos Santana talking shit about AZ as if it is OUR FRIGGING RESPONSIBILITY to let a bunch of rats come in from Mexico illegally?? What is the crap anyway we are allowing anymore with the REAL RACISTS….CARLOS SANTANA=CHE=COMMUNIST=EQUALS PIECES OF SHIT WHO CAN LIVE IN A REPUBLIC AND MANAGE THEMSELVES. These idiots all over the world, including MUSLIMS are pigs. I have nothing against the average Mexican at all, not one bit. But when people who are here illegally start marching in the street yelling and calling me a racist, to me it is time to say, OK leave voluntarily or be shot. This is about our SOVEREIGNTY!!!!!

  11. In a world of such limp-dick (sonically & technically challenged) suck-up players, it’s great to find someone who actually understands quality and the TIME and WORK it takes to get there. Love this site. Thanks, Crapsmeister, you made my year.

    Crappy here,
    Merle, you are VERY welcome!!

    • Just a note; Carlos (man, I will never get any better) Santana was on for Christmas (Santana-Christmas, WTF?), anyway, backin he has not learned ONE thing since 1978, still, exactly the same note-for-note stuff. Love your stuff, and I still play better slide than Clapton. Crappy, you are the best, tellin the truth.

  12. santana really is the worst. I need a novacane shot to my ear-drums when I hear that ass-clown playing that fuck-tard b.s. he plays in EVERY song he plays.. oh gawd someone please make it stop!

  13. i agree wholeheartedly…santana is my least favorite guitar player ever. playing those same obnoxious licks for 40 years..same exact licks too…its sad that he gets all the props when truly great players like glen cambell,frank marino, chet atkins get tragically overlooked..hell, at least ace frehley bends to pitch…

  14. Couldn’t agree more, Santana is as good as anyone with 2 or 3 months guitar classes, I totally hate his playing, he plays the same pentatonic stupid lick over and over again.
    And the worst part is that he is not even aware of it, he thinks he is good, and i’ve heard on a lot of interviews that he is an ego maniac motherfucker.
    Ive seen him play with Mclaughlin, Benson, Jeff Beck, and even Miles Davis! and first of all i don’t know how any of these great players and musicians can share a scenario with that idiot, and second of all it proves that he doesn’t have any degree of self awareness, how can he go there and embarrass himself that way

  15. Very humoring post, really had a good laugh!

    First, Santana employs the Dorian scale quite alot in his playing. He also is known to fuse the pentatonic scales with others. I’ve supplied a wiki link to so you can learn about Dorian scale.

    Second, Santana is known for his phrasing. You have obviously missed the entire point of his playing. I’m sorry he doesn’t shred the same box scales for 6 minutes every song.

    I know your probably butthurt and will make some immature reply about barnyard animals, generic beer, fart smelling or that your mad you don’t have 7 Grammy awards from playing guitar since the age of 6.

    Really, atleast do research and find a VALID reason to dis a musician before writing a blog and inconviencing electrons with puffs of crap expelled from your head.

    • Crappy here,

      The Dorian scale has nothing to do with accurately, “BENDING TO PITCH and VIBRATOING SMOOTHLY, EVENLY, AND TO PITCH!!!!!!!” NOTHING!!!!

      You also said, “He also is known to fuse the pentatonic scales with others.” Let’s say you are walking along a sidewalk and trip over an uneven piece of the concrete and fall and hit your face, then as you are getting up you see a $100 bill to your left. Does this mean that now you’re a qualified financial advisor? FUCK NO!!

      The fact that Santana’s indiscriminant scrambling and searching of random notes to fit his musically incoherent ramblings, in no way means he knew or knows what the fuck he’s doing. This is a term I’ve coined as, “musical accidents.” Another way to put it is, gambling at a casino. Maybe it pays off, maybe it doesn’t. Also, what makes you think Santana is EVER playing outside a box????

      And as for you, I’d like to point out you’ve got 4, yes count them, 4 misspelled words. Plus, how about you learn the differences and learn the proper usage of the following: “your” and “you’re.” Let this be the LAST time you embarrass yourself.

      How about that??? I didn’t make one reference about barnyard animals, farts, or generic beer.

      Thanks for stopping by, and have a lovely day!!
      Crappy, xo

      • You made 8 spelling/grammatical errors yourself, douchebag. I like reading these critiques from internet warrior types like yourself. Thanks for the laughs. I’m glad you are the last word on musicians, and I’m sure one day the entire world will realize how supremely intelligent and talented you are. I’m sure the berating you received at the hands of your young peers pushed you to achieve guitar perfection and I’m sad that I may never enjoy any of your music. Even if I did I am probably not intelligent enough to realize how splendid it is. Thank you…myself and the other 6 billion people on earth are awaiting the appearance of you, shithead, our musical messiah!!

        Crappy here,
        Hello to you, Douche-bag.
        If I did make these errors, normally the accuser will display them with quotes, you know “” for all to see. So, where is your evidence?? I’ve checked through this post and found nothing wrong. If I’ve made some errors of ANY KIND, ANYWHERE, I will certainly give you the FULL CREDIT for finding them AND leave up your original postings showing them. So, shit-fuck, if you’ve found something, re-post it AND include the post title and location within said post.

        I come from a time when the players I respect, which most are my peers, were taught to do things RIGHT-CORRECTLY. Yes, there is a right way and a wrong way to do things. There always has been and there always will be. If you are under the age of 35, chances are you’re doing it wrong. How do I know this?? YOUTUBE.COM, that’s how. The people who pushed me musically were my very talented musical friends, and my personal guitar hero’s. Players who showed me through example what is right and what is not right.

        I’m flattered you would associate “musical messiah” with me.

        I’ve been doing this little column/post project since 2007. No one, not one has proven me wrong about anything, ANYTHING. After close to a decade (a decade is a ten-year period), no one with any salt, has been able to prove me wrong about anything I’ve written about. So, it’s very safe to say,…… I AM MOTHERFUCKIN’ RIGHT!!!!

        So, by all means, search. If the only thing you can “allegedly uncover” is what you’ve claimed, it by no means will alter in any way my, written-in-stone truth’s. And shows, you are equally as pathetic as any other shit-for-brains that wants to avoid doing things right, and prefers to be a corner-cutting, full-of-shit, lazy half-ass. I look forward to your findings. Fucker.

        Crappy. xoxo

  16. Not only can’t the Carlos play for squat,his ultral egomaniac attitude blow goats,in a very spiritual way of course because he’s compareing himself to Beck, Hendrix and other real guitarists.My cousin was recently given two very expensive seat to a Carlos show in Tampa Fla.She couldn’t understand why I didn’t exclaim with envy and jealousy over her freebie tickets.Being a guitarist myself I didn’t have the heart to tell her Id rather nail my balls to the barn door then go see Mr SUPERNATURAL in concert if that’s what you’d call it.I think I’d prefer a nice long waterboarding.

  17. Thank you, Crappy, for all your insight and truth. I have been playing for fifty years, now, and I actually get better, unlike Carlos, Clapton and Neil Young (guitar torturer). Some musicians sweep you away and some, like Carlos, just leave you standing, maybe slightly swaying in the breeze…maybe.

  18. You seem to think endorsement deals are rewards for playing well . An endorsement is a business promotion – high profile players seen playing a companies stuff increase sales. PRS’s strategy seems to have worked real well, they’re doing great.

  19. Eh, while I disagree with a lot of your post, I do agree that Santana is, well, boring.

  20. Santana fuckin sucks, every time you listen to a song his playing the same riffs and wearing ghost smoke shirts, give up has been, no one G wants to hear your old man ‘Corona’ Sam shit.
    Get a fuckin hair cut and fuck face book, sheep following plebs.

    • Best comment ever

      • Yerr I agree his a fuckin sand pit full of cat shit

      • Total nobody, Micheal Jackson BFF

    • Indian wanna be fuck smoke


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