VAN HALEN……….The Return of “The King”

In this edition of SUCKS, there initially seems to be nothing that sucks about a Van Halen reunion. What the hell could suck, right??!! In fact, as I watched the press conference begin, I could feel my eyes water and experienced the same child-like joy, excitement and awe as the moment I saw the present filled bottom of my Christmas tree at 5:30am Christmas morning when I was 7 years old. I genuinely felt I was watching a miracle unfold at the same time I was having some shortness of breath and still in total disbelief. I am totally and completely a Roth/Van Halen fan from the word “go.”

Plus, I’ve got to say too, the number 1 greatest rock band in rock history, is the 1986 David Lee Roth Band. Eat’em And Smile is a legendary album with Dave’s relatively unknown at the time band members Steve Vai, Billy Sheehan and Gregg Bissonette. All of which are living legends in their own right. The only way I could conceivably be more in awe, would be with a reunion of the DLR Band with the original 1986 lineup which is clearly a far superior band to original Van Halen in every way possible. Yes, Van Halen being number two greatest of all time. And again, the 1986 DLR Band being the number 1 greatest rock band in history. So you all are clear on this.

During the Roth/Van Halen separation, you were with one side or the other. I was in the Roth camp. And it was, is and will always be as clear as a summer day, David Lee Roth “ran” Van Halen and rightfully so. David Lee Roth made Van Halen a household word. David Lee Roth is the engine, the driving force, the life force and brains of Van Halen and anything good Van Halen ever produces. Without David, Van Halen is just another band. A fact that has been proven time and time again with Dave’s absence and Van Halen’s diminishing album sales and eventual drop by Warner Bros.

So anyway, as I continued to watch the Van Halen press conference , some of my joy began to turn into shock and my stomach began to have a dropping feeling similar to when you’re on a roller coaster, as my eyes noticed someone standing where Michael Anthony should be. This “someone” was the size of two grown, overweight adults stuffed into the same single pair of pants and shirt. I thought, “Why the hell do they have a fat bodyguard on stage with them?” Well, this was no fuckin’ bodyguard. And it seemed to take forever until we all learned who this fat-ass was. None other than Edward Van Halen’s kid,”Wofgang.”

Wolfgang Van Halen who’s real fuckin’ name is Baby Huey ( I just can’t believe what the Van Halen brothers are thinking!! Of ALL the bass player replacements to choose from, Eddie “shit for brains” chooses his kid. The best, most likely and “fuckin’ obvious” replacement is the greatest rock bassist of all time, Billy Sheehan. Let me tell ya’ something, there is no muther fuckin’ way Ed’s fat-ass tub of a kid could and should be doing a tour with these guys and you know he’s gonna fuckin’ suck dick. As pathetically lame of a bass player as Michael Anthony is, Michael is the only one (with the exception of Billy) who should be doing this tour. But, this is just another of so many typical fuckups by the Van Halen Brothers.

I’ve said it before, there is no fuckinexcuse for the rich to have an overweight child. Valerie has been doing Jenny Craig commercial’s and losing her own fat caboose, “Hey Val!! How about you getting your own kid’s intake under control!! Don’t you and Ed love your own child??!!! You two dumb shits went through more than enough hell to have him!!” Both you Val and Ed get your fuckin’ acts together and fix your damn kids shit!!.

Wolfgang shows no sign in any way that he will be able to carry the musical torch once Eddie his father has passed on. So don’t plan on the Van Halen legacy to continue. When Ed is dead, it’s over. The Van Halen legacy will end. And really, the only VH albums you should own are the first six with David Lee Roth. The rest are useless filler unless a new one with Dave is done.

One more thing, these outrageous ticket prices for this show. Ya know you guys, going into major debt to see a rock show is plain and simple, bullshit. $180 for nose bleed section seats and of course the ticket sites I’ve seen tell you that you have to buy a pair or more in all cases. That kind of money just so you can say, ” Hey yeah, I saw the Van Halen ANT show.” And the “great” seats, front row just off center were going for $3,745 per ticket and you aren’t allowed to buy just one. So, double that price. Thanks Van Halen for treating all your loyal, true blue fans who supported your fuckin’ asses all these years with not one but two worthless, gutless, jack-off replacements, just to have you two alcoholics violently raping our ass with these ticket prices. I love you guys, but you’re fucked up.

Crappy (A true Roth/Van Halen fan who’s terribly disappointed).

Do you want to know who I am? Who the hell is Crappystruth?? Click this link below to learn more about me.


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  1. I saw Billy Sheehan perform at a “bass clinic” at Thoroughbred Music in Clearwater, Florida in ’98. Back in the day, Thoroughbred would have a one day Annual Florida Guitar Show.

    I was walking along, listening for a minute at each of the clinic room doors to see which one I wanted to go into at that particular time.

    I walked by a door and heard someone shredding, seriously, shredding on a bass.

    I went inside and there was Billy Sheehan playing a shred-fest lead way up on the bass neck like a master guitarist.

    I’d never seen or heard anything like it on a bass, and still have never heard it matched even now.

    I took a seat and watched his performance and listened to him respond to questions later. That turned out to be a great guitar show day, but Mr. Sheehan was definitely the surprise of that day for me. He was totally a class act, courteous and respectful even to the kids there just starting out on bass.

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