The Donnas Band Member Climbed by Four Swedes with Pickaxes

I wish I had found this story back in December, but better late than never.  This is about Maya Ford of the chick band the Donnas.  All of you dumbass guys out there who think she is hot, you better think again.  Just read what happened to four guys who found her a few months ago in a snow storm in Denver.



(DECEMBER 17, 2008 – Denver, Colo.) Maya Ford, bass player for the punk-rock band the Donnas, was climbed Friday night after a concert at the Pepsi Center in Denver. Two of the four climbers, all of whom are from Sweden, were taken to the hospital with altitude sickness. A third climber even hours later said he still couldn’t believe it wasn’t a gigantic mountain.


“All I see is this . . . this . . . thing, this enormous thing that block the moon,” said Asbjorn Eriksson, 24, a professional high-altitude mountain climber from the city of Gothenburg. “My partners and I had gear with us, so we said, hey, let us make haste and climb it.”


Unknown to Eriksson and his partners, the “mountain” was actually Maya Ford, who had been standing out in a snow storm, signing autographs for fans. With Maya almost completely covered with snow, Eriksson said his team naturally mistook her for a mountain.


“It was very embarrassing to us to find out it was rock star we climb and not Rocky Mountains,” said Eriksson, who has scaled peaks even larger than Maya such as Mt. Rushmore and Alaska’s deadly Mt. McKinley. “I say we call this one Mt. Maya. Next time up, I stick the flag of our country in her ear!”


After the climbers got off her, Maya was enraged. “I can’t help it if I’m a fat slob!” she yelled at her tour manager. “I can’t help it if every time I go to the beach and float on my back, F-14s try to land on my stomach! I can’t help it if my dentist can scrape my teeth and eat for a week! Is that any reason for people I don’t even know to be climbing all over me? No man has ever climbed all over me. And for it to happen in the middle of a snow storm, well, that’s pretty frightening. I need something to eat!”


The two climbers who succumbed to altitude sickness were treated at St. Anthony Hospital and released. Both were unavailable for comment.


The fourth climber, Greger Faltskog, 26, from the city of Norrkoping , said it was a tough climb. After the team navigated past Maya’s pillar-sized thighs and made it around her Grand-Canyon vagina, their entire food supply was lost when the sled carrying it tumbled off the bass player’s ring-around-Saturn stomach. But they pressed on toward the summit, and Lady Luck shined on them.


“When we make it to her neck area,” Faltskog said, “we find part of burrito, chocolate donut and chunk of Butterfinger candy bar on what we thought is prehistoric rock formation. It turn out to be just her necklace, but it do not matter at that time. We were just glad to have the food!”


Sources close to the band say this isn’t the first time something like that happened to the 28-year-old bassist.


“When the Donnas were in L.A. on a break from the tour last year, we all went down to the La Brea Tar Pits,” said Alicia Martin, the band’s publicist. “Well, there were all kinds of school kids there on a field trip, and they thought Maya was a dinosaur that came back to life. Supposedly one of the kids went into shock. The news said that a month later, a 10-year-old girl was still having nightmares about a brontosaurus playing ‘Jingle Bell Rock’ on a ukulele.”


On the band’s tour bus in Denver after the climbing incident, Maya and the other Donnas, Brett Anderson, Allison Robertson and Torry Castellano, talked it over. The other girls suggested ways Maya could avoid another case of mistaken identity.


“You need to fucking lose weight, Maya,” said Castellano, the drummer and the only band member who has had sex with men. “You can’t even get on the fucking bus without using a goddamn crowbar. It’s bullshit.”


Anderson, who is the band’s vocalist, said, “If you get so fat you can’t get out of your house to go tour with us, we’re not cutting the wall off your bedroom like they did for that fat fuck on Jerry Springer. You’re just going to have to stay there and live with yourself.”


Robertson, the guitarist and peacemaker of the band, took another tact. “Look, Maya, we’ve been through all this before. First, there were those kids who thought you were a brontosaurus. Then in Florida, you wore that black and white shirt, and that guy at Sea World tried to get you in a tank so he could train you to do somersaults and spray water at people. And now these Swedish guys climbed you because you’re bigger than the Pepsi Center. I strongly suggest that you commit suicide. You don’t play your instrument that well, you sweat all the time, and none of the guys in the audience like you. I have a bottle of sixty-milligram Phenobarbitals, if you want them.”


At least three of the Donnas will be on tour through March 25.



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7 CommentsLeave a comment

  1. […] Matt wrote an interesting post today onHere’s a quick excerptAfter the team navigated past Maya’s pillar-sized thighs and made it around her Grand-Canyon vagina, their entire food supply was lost when the sled carrying it tumbled off the bass player’s ring-around-Saturn stomach. … […]

  2. I can’t believe you would write something like this in story form. What a fucking loser. I’m sure your really attractive living in your parents basement you 40 something low life loser.

  3. Man, THANK YOU CRAPPY! I knew some shit like this was going to happen to Maya before too long. She’s so fat and disgusting. I bet she can’t even see the strings on her bass cause of her big ass gut. I’m going to keep coming back to see what other important news you have to share!

  4. ew i hate hate the donnas, and man, that maya ford is embarrassing she is so fucking fat and disgusting.
    she needs some serious help. no wonder she can never get a boyfriend. i bet she can’t even find her own vagina, over that colossal gut.
    that fat fuck.
    maya ford is disugusting!
    so fat!
    keep up the hilarious posts!

  5. thats some fucked up bullshit i honestly think maya ford is the most attractive member of the donnas and i have had the honor to meet her

  6. You fucks are just that; she is one of the hottest women around period! And she plays bass like a goddess…

  7. I totally agree,I love The Donnas and Maya Ford is gorgeous and respects her fans.I think that you are a fucking loser that has nothing better to do than put people down in your little stupid short story blogs…go get a fucking life and stop ruining everyone else’s…LOSER!!!

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