Crappy’s Music Business 101: Episode 1 When Are You Too Old To Rock ‘N Roll? Signs And Reasons It’s Not Gonna Happen

Hello to ALL you bullshit-poser, 2-bit hack fuckin’ fakers and of course my loyal fans!!! At last!! Crappy’s Music Business end of my site. As with “Crappy’s Guitar 101,” my music business columns will also be a limited run of columns, and each one will be up an runnin’ as I complete them (just don’t set your watch by it). Again, as with “Crappy’s Guitar 101” I’ll be covering the painfully fuckin’ obvious as well as, in this case, maybe the not-so-obvious. So, sit back and enjoy my first installment and maybe your gray matter will begin to tingle. Probably for the first time WITHOUT pharmaceuticals!! Lol!!

Crappy’s Music Business 101: Episode 1

“When Are You Too Old To Rock ‘N Roll? Signs And Reasons It’s Not Gonna Happen.”

Yep, it’s a painful pill to swallow. I’ve chosen this subject for my first music business column for the simple reason that everyone needs to know this and no one has ever addressed it.  So, let’s get right to it!

Are You Too Old To Rock?

The answer to this is in two parts. The first is, No, you’re not too old to rock. You can and should rock your fuckin’ ass off till you’re dead. That was easy enough, wasn’t it? Right?

The second part isn’t so easy. In fact, the real question is, are you too old to be a rock star? I’m going to tell you how it is. I–DID–NOT make these rules, I’m only telling you what they are. Rock ‘n roll is a young man’s game. It always has been, and it always will be. The age range for starting, building and having a career in rock, in other words, achieving, rock stardom starts about 15 years old and ends at about 30 years old.

    READ THIS NEXT PART SLOWLY AND CLOSELY!!!!
         IF, IF, IF you don’t have any upward and growing movement in your career by the time you reach 30, YOU ARE DONE!  YOU ARE DONE!  YOU ARE DONE!
          Are There Exceptions? Well, sort of. . .
1. If you’re maintaining the momentum you have (meaning it’s leveled off) but it appears that it’s going to increase.
2. Your genetics. Do you look young? No matter what your age is, relatively speaking, if you look to be about 32 or under, nature has loaned you some additional time.
3. LIE!!…LIE!!….LIE!!. If you are one of the lucky ones that looks under 32, or are really under 32 (32 is the bleed off point), get into the habit of NOT TELLING ANYONE your true age. Because you just don’t know who that person you’re talking to knows, is, or is related to. LIFE IS NOT FAIR, so why should the entertainment business at any level and in any form be different?? “The Business” IS NOT FAIR. So, you need to do what ever it takes to get an upper hand.
              Since when does any fucker need to know your age?? Huh?!! The longer you can maintain the illusion you’re young within the above age range, you ride it until “that dog won’t hunt” anymore. If you do say an age, typically, depending on your youthfulness, you can claim to be as much as 10-12 years less than your actual age. After that, your real age and your fake age must move in tandem. Exercise, use facial skin care products and talk to chicks/skin care professionals to find things to help your face and neck look younger. And, shave your face regularly because if you don’t, your gray facial hair will show. And, at some point you’ll have to color the hair on top of that fat head of yours.

People are alike all over. If you look young, but you tell your real age, 98 times or more, out of 100 you will lose the gig to a less competent person because they really are young. People will tell you one thing and do the direct opposite, i.e., THEY WILL LIE!!! So, you are just beating them to it. Every weapon at your disposal you had better use, you sure-as-shit better use ALL of them.

           “What if I can’t pull off this age bullshit or I don’t wanna play this game???”
                If you can’t or won’t play the game, you are done. It’s just that simple. It’s just that simple. 1+1=2, can’t play = You are FINISHED, won’t play = You are FINISHED.
            “Okay, I haven’t made it yet, I’m over 30 and don’t look young. Why don’t I still have a chance???”
          This is why you don’t have a chance. Teenagers are rebellious. Teenagers are looking for a rebellious leader. ANYONE…ANYONE….ANYONE who, even just a tiny bit, looks like, tone-wise sounds like, moves like, acts like, owns something like their parents, teachers, authority figure a.k.a “the man,” those teenagers will stay the fuck away from you, like a vampire stays away from a cross.
             Teenagers will and do identify with someone like them, someone who looks like them, someone who acts like them. Someone who is cool. And, LOOKS YOUNG!!!! If you resemble my parent, teacher, “the man” example above, teenagers will NOT buy what you’re selling. Who did YOU like when YOU were young??? People who were like your parents, or Blackie Lawless of W.A.S.P., David Lee Roth, Eddie Van Halen/Van Halen, Bruce Dickinson/Iron Maiden and Ozzy?? To name a few, and that usually means having long fuckin’ hair. These are the reasons you will not make it. And, these reasons are different from an established act or person.
    “But Crappy, I’m not a dishonest person, I won’t lie and I’m gonna do things my way on the up and up.”
                Okay, knock yourself out, pal. You’re in the wrong line of work. And, if that’s all you got outta what I’ve written here, than you don’t deserve to have any success and you’re a moron. People who are rock stars, made it in some way BEFORE 30, and just got bigger from there. That is what I’m saying. YOU NEED TO REREAD, REREAD REREAD THIS EPISODE so it’s really in your thick, fuckin’ head.
                     “HOMEWORK ASSIGNMENT:”
                  Homework assignment and a dare. I fuuuckin’ dare ya to find ANYONE, any-fuckin’-one who made it after the age of 32 and made it MEANS ROCK FUCKIN’ STARDOM. Someone who was UNKNOWN AND WITH NO UPWARD MOMENTUM AFTER THE AGE OF 32!!! I fuckin’ dare ya!!
                  So, if you’re over 30 and still look believably young/younger under 32, and willing to LIE, you’re one of the lucky ones and you’ve got extra time. So, you better use it wisely to your advantage. If you’re not a lucky one, you’ve always got a future in a tribute band or doing your originals at some local clubs. Yes, you can still rock, just not on the scale you hoped for. Try to find some solace in that. Shit, there are plenty of hot chicks at any age that would still be interested in hooking up with you after the show. There are plenty of young girls who have a “daddy” fetish that would like to “experiment” with you. When you’re done being their “daddy,” you can do their mommy, as in milf. So, don’t off yourself.
                   Happy Rockin’ kids!!!
Crappy!!  xo (smooch!!)
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Published in: on January 10, 2010 at 3:42 pm  Comments (4)  

Crappy’s Guitar 101: Episode 6 Choosing a Guitar Teacher and Other Forms of Learning

            See, I’m not about being a vicious tornado of ball busting destruction. Wait…who the fuck am I kidding??!! YOU bet your fuckin’ ass I am!!! Hhhaaaa haa haaaa!!!!!!!!!
           Finding a guitar teacher in today’s world who REALLY knows how to play and is well rounded is next to impossible. Or, slim to none and Slim left town. If you can find a player who can burn, and by burn I mean similar to my definition of this, you are one incredibly fortunate son-of-a-bitch. Now, they CAN be a guy who burns but may not be able to teach you anything other than technique, which is just fine. And, also has the ability to “teach.” (Having the ability to actually teach someone something, impart knowledge to another, really is a talent unto itself.) If that’s the case, that player is worth his proverbial weight in gold. Again, this is based on my definition of a real technician player. Which, by this time, if you’ve been keeping up with my columns, you should have a very good idea what this means. If not, get your fuckin’ ass back to the beginning and start reading.
           If you have the misfortune of living in a one horse town, well, your going to have to make due with some other things that I’ll be covering right here in this installment. Some things can ONLY be learned through human contact. You’re very limited by reading text. You can get a much better idea by watching a video. But, to have someone, one-on-one in front of you telling you, “Don’t do this, don’t do that. Do this, do that,” this is what NEEDS to be done. There is no two ways about it and ABSOLUTELY NO WAY around it.
        You see, I am about doing it RIGHT the FIRST mutherfucking TIME. I don’t like the term “old school” since every rap/hip-hop cock-suckin’ walkin’ pile of pig shit uses this once cool term, but I really am “Old School.” And, you as a player must take on my attitude of doing it right the first time too. Now, if you just wanna play guitar a little, get together with some neighborhood pals and start a garage band and have fun getting shit-faced drunk doing it, then my columns are not really for you. You can certainly get something out of them, but they’re directed at people who want to take music seriously and for it to be their life. Becoming a real musician is a serious business and YOU must take it seriously just as I have. And, not forget that this IS a BUSINESS, and YOU must treat it as such.
          I feel that I’m beginning to get into my new, soon to be started column entitled, “Crappy’s Music Business 101,” so I’ll bring it back to the topic at hand. You need to audition the teacher you’re considering to take lessons from. Did you find him through an advertisement? Did you walk into a music store? Did a friend or some jack-off you don’t know, tell you about this guy? You need to hear this guy go off in some way to get an idea what he can do, and if what he can do is what you’re looking to learn. If he looks pretty good at this point, you may have to actually pay for a few lessons with him to see if he can teach you and is patient with your learning curve. Some guys are kick-ass players but can’t teach you how to spell C-A-T. So, after 1-2 or 3 lessons you will know if you want to continue with this guy, or drop this cock, and continue looking.
          If you can’t locate an instructor, you’ll have to make due with video’s and the Internet. There are many places on-line you can go and I’m sure you know some already. Technically, Paul Gilbert’s videos can give you a great foundation in that area. As for your musical education, you can get a nice, sizable chunk learned at your local junior/city college, and supplement that with the video’s and on-line stuff.
Crappy…
Up next…… Crappy’s Guitar 101: Episode 7 Your Attack
Published in: on December 4, 2009 at 12:10 pm  Comments (1)  

TOP 10 THINGS TO DO WITH “UNPLUGGED” BY ERIC CLAPTON & A REVIEW OF THE RECORD

I strongly recommend that all of you go out and buy Eric Clapton’s “Unplugged” CD. It’s one of his best-selling records. I know what you’re saying. You’re saying, “But Crappy, what the fuck am I going to do with it once I get it?” I knew you were going to say that, so I present here the Top 10 Things To Do With Eric Clapton’s “Unplugged” followed by a review of the album.

 

Top 10 Things To Do With “Unplugged”

10. Pass it around to your friends and tell them it’s music.

 

9. Throw it down in the streets of Beverly Hills and wait for Ozzy Osbourne to come by and take a piss on it.

 

8. Set up speakers in your garden and play it to keep snails off the cucumbers.

 

7. Two words: Toilet paper.

 

6. Use as picnic plates for very small people like midgets and Cambodians.

 

5. Punishment for children who fail to do their homework.

 

4. Play it at your next party and scare the shit out of all your guests by saying it’s the new Van Halen album.

 

3. Have a shooting contest where everybody gets their rifles and aims for the hole in the middle of the CD. The winner is the person who misses the hole and busts the CD all to hell.

 

2. Leave on the seats of a bunch of drunk bikers’ Harleys and run like hell.

 

1. Take a bunch of them to an Eric Clapton concert and sail them at his head each time he tries to start “Tears in Heaven.”

 

 

Crappy’s Quality Review of “Unplugged”

Here are all the tracks on this record and a brief description of what each song is about.

 

1. “Signe” – French for “sign,” here Clapton sings about signs that should tip you off that he is the shittiest musician ever to pick up a guitar.

 

2. “Before You Accuse Me” – Clapton wrote this song while in jail in Barcelona, Spain, after local authorities arrested him for performing public abortions (also known as Clapton guitar solos).

 

3. “Hey Hey” – This is a tune about the plight of the American farmer, but Clapton misspelled the word “hay.”

 

4. “Tears in Heaven” – One of Clapton’s most famous songs, mistakenly considered to be written about his son. Actually it’s Clapton’s prediction of what’s going to be happening in heaven once his no-talent ass shows up there.

 

5. “Lonely Stranger” – A beautiful ballad about Clapton’s first sexual experience.

 

6. “Nobody Knows You When You’re Down & Out” – This is a recap of Clapton’s life, dedicated to all six of his fans.

 

7. “Layla” – Another of Clapton’s biggest hits, this one about a 12-year-old Dominican prostitute named Layla who taught Clapton how to make chipolte sauce and then gave him the clap.

 

8. “Running on Faith” – A cute song about what Clapton’s been doing his whole career.

 

9. “Walkin’ Blues” – Like Alec Baldwin said in Glengarry Glen Ross, “It’s fuck or walk,” and Clapton’s been walking since the day he picked up the guitar. Here Clapton sings about his travels as a wannabe musician.

 

10. “Alberta” – A song not about the Canadian province but rather about a man Clapton once knew named Albert who was a cross-dressing male homosexual posing as a lesbian predator on life’s stage.

 

11. “San Francisco Bay Blues” – Yet another attempt on Clapton’s part to mislead his listeners into believing he can play blues.

 

12. “Malted Milk” – This song is about Clapton’s favorite mixed drink: milk spiked with Henry Weinhard’s Private Reserve, which makes no more sense than any of his songs.

 

13. “Old Love” – Here Clapton sings about income tax preparation, which was the career he was headed for before some evil motherfucker suggested he should take up the guitar.

 

14. “Rollin’ & Tumblin’” – A song about Clapton’s second sexual experience – and how he had to chase his sister all over the room before she passed out and he could rape her.

 

 

Do you want to know who I am? Who the hell is Crappystruth?? Click this link below to learn more about me.

 https://crappystruth.wordpress.com/2007/07/03/hello-world/

Miley Cyrus Turns Into A Pig

(Miley on tour in Mexico with Mexican translator)

Hannah Montana star transforms herself yet again

GUADALAJARA, MEXICO – May 22, 2008 – For those who for years have called Miley Cyrus a pig – now you can do it in all honesty. The girl who was made famous by her Hannah Montana series and the fact that her old man is a big-shot became a pig Wednesday as horrified onlookers watched.

Miley was in Mexico looking to find new friends who could tolerate her when suddenly she began to shake and dance around. People on the streets of Guadalajara thought she was going to begin an entertainment routine and naturally ran for their homes screaming and holding up crucifixes. Then without warning she turned into a 205-pound gray pig.

“She no look like Miley no more,” said Giuseppe san Lucas de Cordova, a local farmer and part-time seller of ptomaine-infested enchiladas. “All of a sudden she become peeg and look much better.”

Cordova threw a rope around Miley’s neck and began walking her toward the American Embassy in hopes someone there would know what to do with an American pop star who is a pig.

Half-way there, Miley spotted a field of mud and began pulling Cordova toward it.

“She want to play in mud,” said Cordova, who let Miley slop around for awhile before continuing the journey to the embassy. “It is like they say – you can take zee peeg out of zee mud but you no take mud from the peeg.”

Upon reaching the embassy, Miley called her agent and said, “Look, I just gained about a hundred pounds and lost about two and a half feet in height. Get my wardrobe people to create something for me to wear so I’ll still look like a slut.”

(Miley on tour. Miley entering hotel with her assistant in control)

ukraine_pig (16k image)

(Above: Miley greets fans outside hotel.)

(Above) Miley preparing for runway wearing one of the Fall line of D&G sweater/harness combo’s in Milan Italy. D&G nick-name for this special Miley line is “Oink.”

Do you want to know who I am? Who the hell is Crappystruth?? Click this link below to learn more about me.

 https://crappystruth.wordpress.com/2007/07/03/hello-world/

Miley Ray Cyrus is a cheap slut just like I’ve known all along

I just found this online. I don’t usually put actual news type stories on my blog here, but this is a case where I need to do it so I can prove one of many points I’ve been trying to make with you shitheads all along: Country music also sucks ass, along with tween pop music sucking ass, and most people involved with either suck ass, although not as bad as Eric Clapton and Carlos Santana. This story is about Miley Ray Cyrus, who is too young to fuck legally, but really, she’s gross looking anyway so why would anyone want too?  Although, I’m sure many of you who “enjoy” your farm animals will find her looks on par with your barnyard friends.  

                   So, what do you think about this??

But before I post the story, I need to add a few keywords to this thing so the search engines will pick it up, because that’s the only way I can get morons who are into Miley Cyrus to come to my blog:

 

Miley Cyrus Vanity Fair, Miley Cyrus topless photos, Miley nude, Miley Ray Cyrus, Billy Ray Cyrus, Miley’s photo shoot, Vanity Fair photos, Olsen Twins

 

(I put the Olsen Twins tag in there because those mothefucking bitches get more search queries than God and Jesus put together. So keep this in mind – if you have a website about, say, how to repair a transmission, put in some Olsen Twins key words and you’ll get so many fucking hits you won’t know what to do with yourself)

 

Okay, here’s the story:

 

( April 28, 2008 – Los Angeles ) “Hannah Montana” star Miley Ray Cyrus shocked a room full of reporters Monday when she announced that for the past four years, she’s been sleeping with her father, country artist Billy Ray Cyrus. The press conference at the Beverly Hills Hotel in Los Angeles was intended to give 16-year-old Miley a chance to speak about recent controversial photos she shot for an upcoming issue of Vanity Fair magazine, but she surprised everybody with something a little more startling.

 

  “I know you guys think sleeping with my dad is a big deal, but believe me, it’s not,” Miley said after the buzz from reporters died down. “Dad’s been impotent since he fell off that donkey in Mexico , and I’m totally frigid and unresponsive. Basically all we do is roll around naked in the bed and talk about Aly & AJ.”

 

   Miley’s publicist, Stanley Goldstein, broke in and said, “Those in the entertainment industry with large-scale popularity are faced with constant pressure and difficulties. Miley is no more immune to normal teenage emotions than the average girl her age. Do not judge her for being normal.”

 

   A reporter from Billboard magazine expressed disgust at Miley’s announcement and sarcastically asked the teen how large her father’s penis was when erect. Miley countered, “Wouldn’t you like to know!”  She paused and said, “Come to think of it, I’d like to know, too.”

 

   The Vanity Fair photo shoot was overseen by acclaimed photographer Annie Leibowitz, who is known for pressuring her subjects into edgy poses that some call provocative and indecent. Miley told the reporters that there was nothing indecent about the photos that will be in the June issue of the magazine.

 

   Long-time Hollywood gossip columnist Clair Constantine said, “I saw some of the stills, Miley. There are a few where you and your father are behaving like lovers.”

 

  “Well, duh,” Miley said. “I just told you – that’s what we are. I love him, he loves me. We love each other. What did you expect – that we would be throwing rocks at each other?”

 

   As the situation deteriorated, a reporter from The National Enquirer asked Miley if she was still a virgin, since Billy Ray was impotent.

 

  “Technically, I am,” Miley answered. “I don’t have my hymen thingy anymore, but that’s only because one time when me and my dad were fooling around in the Jacuzzi, he accidentally kneed me in the groin and achey-broke it.”

 

Vanity Fair’s June issue will be on sale May 3.

 

Do you want to know who I am? Who the hell is Crappystruth?? Click this link below to learn more about me.

 https://crappystruth.wordpress.com/2007/07/03/hello-world/