Crappy’s Music Business 101: Episode 1 When Are You Too Old To Rock ‘N Roll? Signs And Reasons It’s Not Gonna Happen

Hello to ALL you bullshit-poser, 2-bit hack fuckin’ fakers and of course my loyal fans!!! At last!! Crappy’s Music Business end of my site. As with “Crappy’s Guitar 101,” my music business columns will also be a limited run of columns, and each one will be up an runnin’ as I complete them (just don’t set your watch by it). Again, as with “Crappy’s Guitar 101” I’ll be covering the painfully fuckin’ obvious as well as, in this case, maybe the not-so-obvious. So, sit back and enjoy my first installment and maybe your gray matter will begin to tingle. Probably for the first time WITHOUT pharmaceuticals!! Lol!!

Crappy’s Music Business 101: Episode 1

“When Are You Too Old To Rock ‘N Roll? Signs And Reasons It’s Not Gonna Happen.”

Yep, it’s a painful pill to swallow. I’ve chosen this subject for my first music business column for the simple reason that everyone needs to know this and no one has ever addressed it.  So, let’s get right to it!

Are You Too Old To Rock?

The answer to this is in two parts. The first is, No, you’re not too old to rock. You can and should rock your fuckin’ ass off till you’re dead. That was easy enough, wasn’t it? Right?

The second part isn’t so easy. In fact, the real question is, are you too old to be a rock star? I’m going to tell you how it is. I–DID–NOT make these rules, I’m only telling you what they are. Rock ‘n roll is a young man’s game. It always has been, and it always will be. The age range for starting, building and having a career in rock, in other words, achieving, rock stardom starts about 15 years old and ends at about 30 years old.

    READ THIS NEXT PART SLOWLY AND CLOSELY!!!!
         IF, IF, IF you don’t have any upward and growing movement in your career by the time you reach 30, YOU ARE DONE!  YOU ARE DONE!  YOU ARE DONE!
          Are There Exceptions? Well, sort of. . .
1. If you’re maintaining the momentum you have (meaning it’s leveled off) but it appears that it’s going to increase.
2. Your genetics. Do you look young? No matter what your age is, relatively speaking, if you look to be about 32 or under, nature has loaned you some additional time.
3. LIE!!…LIE!!….LIE!!. If you are one of the lucky ones that looks under 32, or are really under 32 (32 is the bleed off point), get into the habit of NOT TELLING ANYONE your true age. Because you just don’t know who that person you’re talking to knows, is, or is related to. LIFE IS NOT FAIR, so why should the entertainment business at any level and in any form be different?? “The Business” IS NOT FAIR. So, you need to do what ever it takes to get an upper hand.
              Since when does any fucker need to know your age?? Huh?!! The longer you can maintain the illusion you’re young within the above age range, you ride it until “that dog won’t hunt” anymore. If you do say an age, typically, depending on your youthfulness, you can claim to be as much as 10-12 years less than your actual age. After that, your real age and your fake age must move in tandem. Exercise, use facial skin care products and talk to chicks/skin care professionals to find things to help your face and neck look younger. And, shave your face regularly because if you don’t, your gray facial hair will show. And, at some point you’ll have to color the hair on top of that fat head of yours.

People are alike all over. If you look young, but you tell your real age, 98 times or more, out of 100 you will lose the gig to a less competent person because they really are young. People will tell you one thing and do the direct opposite, i.e., THEY WILL LIE!!! So, you are just beating them to it. Every weapon at your disposal you had better use, you sure-as-shit better use ALL of them.

           “What if I can’t pull off this age bullshit or I don’t wanna play this game???”
                If you can’t or won’t play the game, you are done. It’s just that simple. It’s just that simple. 1+1=2, can’t play = You are FINISHED, won’t play = You are FINISHED.
            “Okay, I haven’t made it yet, I’m over 30 and don’t look young. Why don’t I still have a chance???”
          This is why you don’t have a chance. Teenagers are rebellious. Teenagers are looking for a rebellious leader. ANYONE…ANYONE….ANYONE who, even just a tiny bit, looks like, tone-wise sounds like, moves like, acts like, owns something like their parents, teachers, authority figure a.k.a “the man,” those teenagers will stay the fuck away from you, like a vampire stays away from a cross.
             Teenagers will and do identify with someone like them, someone who looks like them, someone who acts like them. Someone who is cool. And, LOOKS YOUNG!!!! If you resemble my parent, teacher, “the man” example above, teenagers will NOT buy what you’re selling. Who did YOU like when YOU were young??? People who were like your parents, or Blackie Lawless of W.A.S.P., David Lee Roth, Eddie Van Halen/Van Halen, Bruce Dickinson/Iron Maiden and Ozzy?? To name a few, and that usually means having long fuckin’ hair. These are the reasons you will not make it. And, these reasons are different from an established act or person.
    “But Crappy, I’m not a dishonest person, I won’t lie and I’m gonna do things my way on the up and up.”
                Okay, knock yourself out, pal. You’re in the wrong line of work. And, if that’s all you got outta what I’ve written here, than you don’t deserve to have any success and you’re a moron. People who are rock stars, made it in some way BEFORE 30, and just got bigger from there. That is what I’m saying. YOU NEED TO REREAD, REREAD REREAD THIS EPISODE so it’s really in your thick, fuckin’ head.
                     “HOMEWORK ASSIGNMENT:”
                  Homework assignment and a dare. I fuuuckin’ dare ya to find ANYONE, any-fuckin’-one who made it after the age of 32 and made it MEANS ROCK FUCKIN’ STARDOM. Someone who was UNKNOWN AND WITH NO UPWARD MOMENTUM AFTER THE AGE OF 32!!! I fuckin’ dare ya!!
                  So, if you’re over 30 and still look believably young/younger under 32, and willing to LIE, you’re one of the lucky ones and you’ve got extra time. So, you better use it wisely to your advantage. If you’re not a lucky one, you’ve always got a future in a tribute band or doing your originals at some local clubs. Yes, you can still rock, just not on the scale you hoped for. Try to find some solace in that. Shit, there are plenty of hot chicks at any age that would still be interested in hooking up with you after the show. There are plenty of young girls who have a “daddy” fetish that would like to “experiment” with you. When you’re done being their “daddy,” you can do their mommy, as in milf. So, don’t off yourself.
                   Happy Rockin’ kids!!!
Crappy!!  xo (smooch!!)
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Published in: on January 10, 2010 at 3:42 pm  Comments (4)  

Crappy’s Guitar 101: Episode 6 Choosing a Guitar Teacher and Other Forms of Learning

            See, I’m not about being a vicious tornado of ball busting destruction. Wait…who the fuck am I kidding??!! YOU bet your fuckin’ ass I am!!! Hhhaaaa haa haaaa!!!!!!!!!
           Finding a guitar teacher in today’s world who REALLY knows how to play and is well rounded is next to impossible. Or, slim to none and Slim left town. If you can find a player who can burn, and by burn I mean similar to my definition of this, you are one incredibly fortunate son-of-a-bitch. Now, they CAN be a guy who burns but may not be able to teach you anything other than technique, which is just fine. And, also has the ability to “teach.” (Having the ability to actually teach someone something, impart knowledge to another, really is a talent unto itself.) If that’s the case, that player is worth his proverbial weight in gold. Again, this is based on my definition of a real technician player. Which, by this time, if you’ve been keeping up with my columns, you should have a very good idea what this means. If not, get your fuckin’ ass back to the beginning and start reading.
           If you have the misfortune of living in a one horse town, well, your going to have to make due with some other things that I’ll be covering right here in this installment. Some things can ONLY be learned through human contact. You’re very limited by reading text. You can get a much better idea by watching a video. But, to have someone, one-on-one in front of you telling you, “Don’t do this, don’t do that. Do this, do that,” this is what NEEDS to be done. There is no two ways about it and ABSOLUTELY NO WAY around it.
        You see, I am about doing it RIGHT the FIRST mutherfucking TIME. I don’t like the term “old school” since every rap/hip-hop cock-suckin’ walkin’ pile of pig shit uses this once cool term, but I really am “Old School.” And, you as a player must take on my attitude of doing it right the first time too. Now, if you just wanna play guitar a little, get together with some neighborhood pals and start a garage band and have fun getting shit-faced drunk doing it, then my columns are not really for you. You can certainly get something out of them, but they’re directed at people who want to take music seriously and for it to be their life. Becoming a real musician is a serious business and YOU must take it seriously just as I have. And, not forget that this IS a BUSINESS, and YOU must treat it as such.
          I feel that I’m beginning to get into my new, soon to be started column entitled, “Crappy’s Music Business 101,” so I’ll bring it back to the topic at hand. You need to audition the teacher you’re considering to take lessons from. Did you find him through an advertisement? Did you walk into a music store? Did a friend or some jack-off you don’t know, tell you about this guy? You need to hear this guy go off in some way to get an idea what he can do, and if what he can do is what you’re looking to learn. If he looks pretty good at this point, you may have to actually pay for a few lessons with him to see if he can teach you and is patient with your learning curve. Some guys are kick-ass players but can’t teach you how to spell C-A-T. So, after 1-2 or 3 lessons you will know if you want to continue with this guy, or drop this cock, and continue looking.
          If you can’t locate an instructor, you’ll have to make due with video’s and the Internet. There are many places on-line you can go and I’m sure you know some already. Technically, Paul Gilbert’s videos can give you a great foundation in that area. As for your musical education, you can get a nice, sizable chunk learned at your local junior/city college, and supplement that with the video’s and on-line stuff.
Crappy…
Up next…… Crappy’s Guitar 101: Episode 7 Your Attack
Published in: on December 4, 2009 at 12:10 pm  Comments (1)  

Crappy’s Guitar 101: Episode 5 Picking

                Yep, I’m back and with a bloodthirsty vengeance. This subject is CRUCIAL. In fact, being able to correctly pick is the “do-or-die” ability of being a proficient player. If you can’t pick CORRECTLY and WELL, you are half the player you are supposed to be, and you will NEVER be the COMPLETE, WELL ROUNDED player you could be and SHOULD BE.
 
 
                Now, I’ve gone off on so many dip-shits on the Internet that I may as well talk about picking too. There are many, many variations to picking. But just a couple that are the most proficient. And, after all, if you’re going to put in the hours, days, weeks, months and in some cases years to do something, it’s pure logic you should do it the best and most proficient way possible. And, with comfort, endurance and longevity in mind.
 
 
 
                There is a guitarist who made the following statement coming up that I found really fucking funny and I can’t argue against his comment. This guitarist who is very, very good, said this then later retracted it. So, because he retracted it, he may have realized he shouldn’t have said it. So, I won’t tell his name but I will repeat his comment which was about Paul Gilbert. I paraphrase,
 
             ” Paul Gilbert isn’t doing anything that a trained monkey with arthritis and a metronome couldn’t do.”
 
              This comment is one of the funniest fuckin’ things I’ve heard in many years. Paul has come up with some neat and fun shapes, and I like some of the stuff he’s done quite a bit. But, most of it if not all of it are very simple things done very fast.
 
 
 
                 Paul Gilbert has showed you how to play his stuff. He’s done the exact same things, “concepts” in great detail for well over 20 years. And, you blind and deaf mutherfuckers still haven’t learned. So, I doubt my contribution will put much of a dent in things, but, what the fuck.
 
 
 
The Problem:  Not doing what I’m telling you.
 
 
The Fix:         Doing what I’m telling you.
 
 
             Rather than going into all the bad habits and poor techniques, I’m going to just cut to the correct things to do.
 
 
            For the visual portion of this lesson, watch any of Paul’s instructionals. Ignore his left hand completely. Watch his right hand only. His right hand is completely relaxed. His shoulders are level. Meaning he doesn’t have his right shoulder raised up by his ear (except when he’s sitting down with the guitar on his right leg then it’s raised slightly). For the most part he doesn’t bend his thumb while picking. I say, don’t bend your thumb for any reason. You’re resting the heel of your palm the portion where your little finger (the blade of your little finger) is connected on the bridge, just in front of the saddles. 
 
 
 
            When you are sitting down to play, have your guitar on your left leg. NOT your right. Having it on your left leg puts the guitar in a neutral and center position. And, is the most ergonomic and easy position to be in and to be in for a long period of time. Your thumb is straight with a very small part of the pick sticking down and out from the side of your thumb. You’re resting on the strings slightly in front of the bridge and also resting the upper part of your forearm by your elbow on the edge of the guitar body. Choose which way you’re most comfortable holding the pick in the direction it’s going to slice the string. You only have two choices. It’s a diagonal angle, left on top down to the right, or right on top to down on the left. Again, that’s how you’re holding the pick with only one of those two directions. Close your hand. Keep your fingers curled in a little like making a fist but looser. Don’t flex your arms when playing. If you do, relax and focus on the loose, relaxed wrist movement.
 
 
 
              Unsynchronized picking is when there is no control in your picking and some notes get picked 2 or 3 times, some picked once, and some may not get picked at all. There is no coordination or precision of any kind and it’s just a mess. Remember, you’re not fooling anyone with this shit.
 
 
        
             The key visual is watching Gilbert. And, only use the bridge (rear) pickup and a metronome. Speed comes naturally from doing the same thing over, and over, and over, and over, and over, and over, and over, and over, and over and a fairly slow speed with the metronome and making small incremental increases over some time. 
 
 
              That’s about it. Don’t anchor any fingers anywhere on the guitar body. Don’t have your fingers sticking straight out either. And, stop making things harder than they really aren’t. Watch his vids. He’s showing you how to do it. I think that’s it. But, I may add or do some refining to this “Picking” section so be aware. After all, I’m NOT getting paid for this!!           
 
 
 
 Crappy All Mighty.
 
xxoo 

Crappy’s Guitar 101: Episode 6 Choosing a Guitar Teacher and Other Forms of Learning

Episode 1 Pickup Abusers
https://crappystruth.wordpress.com/2009/04/10/crappys-guitar-101-episode-1-pickup-abusers/
Published in: on December 3, 2009 at 4:05 pm  Comments (3)  

Yngwie Johann Malmsteen: A Legend, A Pioneer And An Inspiration To Us All

               Yngwie Johann Malmsteen (born Lars Johan Yngve Lannerbäck ) is A Legend, A Pioneer And An Inspiration To Us All. And,  has RIGHTFULLY EARNED the RESPECT of every last one of you filthy, stinking, degenerate, mutherfuckin’ THANKLESS and UNGRATEFUL FUCKIN’ SHEEP RAPISTS, for BEING THE SOLE CREATOR of something that NEVER EXISTED before he came along.
               Yngwie has been viciously attacked for more years than I care to count. The insults I hear are among the most brainless I’ve heard about anyone. Bullshit about his weight and his poor interview skills are two I’ve heard too many times. Really, who gives a fuckin’ shit??! And, why would you give a fuckin’ shit???!!! The massive bulk of you filthy, poser fakes, beating up on your own guitar, can’t speak well enough when ordering fries at a drive-through. Of all the players I’ve had the sincere pleasure of meeting, knowing and becoming good friends with throughout the years, and there have been many, Yngwie is the only one that’s slipped through my radar. A number of times we’ve just missed each other by only a few minutes.
               I’ve heard stories both nice and not so nice about Yngwie’s behavior. And, in the end, do you buy someone’s music, for the kind of person they are in their personal life, or do you buy their music for…..THEIR MUSIC? The enjoyment their music gives you. I’ll tell ya right now, I never have, nor will I EVER base my purchase of an artist’s music on their personality. And, unless all of you are hypocrites, (Sadly, most of you are hypocrites.) YOU WON’T EITHER.
               Now, since I’m right about every fuckin’ thing I say and write, this column will be just the same. Yngwie has problems, hey, don’t we all!! One difference between most people who are fucked up and Yngwie is, Yngwie is talented and is a pioneer (pioneering is something very few have done in anything), meaning Yngwie started the Shred movement. Yngwie is solely responsible for the concept, the idea for high speed, articulated picking and incorporating a bunch of Paganiniesque, Vivaldi and J.S. Bach flavorings, and harmonic minor into his playing. Yngwie cornered the market on these. So, anyone who tries to play too closely to this, has been called an “Yngwie Clone.” For a player to have such a powerful influence, that a name “Yngwie clone” is created, is really incredible. No other player has matched this feat.
                Before Yngwie, SHREDDING DID NOT EXIST. So, the terms “shred, shredding, shredder” NEVER EXISTED and were applied to Yngwie FIRST. The term “shredded” came into existence first with bodybuilding, describing how extremely lean or “shredded” a bodybuilder was during their competition shows, and then drifted over to describing the technical prowess of guitar players around 1985/1986 and expanded to a few variations.
                For the six or so years following Edward Van Halen’s meteoric rise to legendary status, prior to Yngwie’s debut release of “Rising Force,” (which by the way earned Yngwie a Grammy nomination) most current and every new player of the time, took advantage of the easy-to-do, and speed of doing the two-handed hammer-on pull-offs that Edward exposed us too. Many people used this technique as a “CRUTCH” (a crutch, sound familiar??!?). A few up-and-coming players at the time tried to stay away from this technique or did very little of it. Randy Rhoads and Jake E. Lee were two players who mostly stayed away from it but used it sparingly. Yngwie put a stop to all this two-handed bullshit.
              Yngwie picked faster than everyone was doing their two-handed shit, and many, many people admitted to total disbelief upon their first few listening’s of Rising Force, that they thought the recording was sped up. Yngwie woke up everyone to the idea that, we better get off our asses, stop bullshitting ourselves and start to really put in time to be a quality player. Yngwie elevated the electric guitar from being what a 60’s scumbag-drug-addict used, to being a respected instrument and to be taken seriously with a world of legitimate potential.
                One gutless comment I hear about every new Yngwie album that comes out, from countless people is, “It’s sounds just like every other Yngwie album.” Yngwie created something from essentially nothing, and then you fuckers say it sounds like every other album. It sounds like Yngwie. You can make that same exact “sounds like every other album by fill in the blank” comment, about EVERY artist that has ever existed. That’s right!!! EVERY OTHER ARTIST!!!!! Every artist is doing what they do, but when Yngwie is doing his style, suddenly it’s a bad thing. THAT IS CALLED BEING A HYPOCRITE.
             If you’re gonna say that about Yngwie, then tell the truth and say it about ALL. So, will you? Of course you won’t, because so many of you are gutless, spineless fuckin’ cowards. Afraid to stand out, afraid to be a “man.” Afraid to be an individual and not follow what your friends “the sheep” say. Afraid to stake your own claim in this life. No, you won’t, you have no balls. And, you’ll continue to stand on the sidelines and watch life pass you by, and you’ll be a Monday morning quarterback. Yngwie did it HIS WAY. Yngwie may be the only well known player that has stayed true to what he does, and he will be remembered as the legendary pioneer that HE IS.
                                                     So, fuck you.
              Yngwie has consistently, consistently superior vibrato and bends, both always perfectly to pitch. Always a clean, clean player. And he has been a very good songwriter including writing his own lyrics. His phrasing is very unique and outstanding. My personal favorite lead is from the song “You Don’t Remember, I’ll Never Forget.” His lead in this song I feel is his best. Every time I hear this I can feel the screaming bloody agony of a ripped apart heart. The emotional, broken hearted pain of this song is in every single second. And when the lead happens, I haven’t heard anyone write and then perform phrasing with such intense, realistic suffering ever in my life. So, if all you hear is some fast notes, that tells me you haven’t heard Yngwie, and you are the musical illiterates I’ve always known you filthy trash to be.
              The song “Marching Out” is another outstanding song. It’s a very sexual instrumental. “Brothers” off of Seventh Sign is another beautiful instrumental, it sounds like it maybe should be named something else because it sounds like it’s written for a lost love too. And, to me 1:52-2:16 sounds like he’s screaming to the heavens to return that one true love. Yngwie’s version of “Child in Time” is terrific. Open your fuckin’ ears, you stupid bastards and listen.
My suggestions if you’re a new guitar user for Yngwie Cd’s to get, would be these to get a good idea, and in no particular order:
1. Rising Force
2. Marching Out
3. Trilogy
4. Fire and Ice
Crappy.
P.S. In 1987 Yngwie was in a serious car accident and was in a coma for a week and was not expected to live. Here’s a legendary, pioneering player who survived a near death accident. We are all fortunate to have this legendary player still with us today. I can think of many people that wish Randy was still with us. Me among them.

Crappy’s Guitar 101: Episode 3 Vibrato and Bending notes

          This may be the most ignored and over looked ability, while being one of the easiest things to do correctly, and when done correctly, sounds just great. Not to mention, extremely important. Vibrato and note bending is a close family member, brother really, to using the vibrato bar as I covered in Episode 2.
         Let’s say you can’t pick for shit. Let’s also say, your left hand legato or your left hand anything is also worthless, and you’re lucky to pluck a few notes. Well pal, you’re in luck. Because, being able to bend and vibrato will be the one thing you will be able to do. And, if you do what I say here, you’ll do it very well.
The Problem 1:  Shallow, Nervous, Uneven sounding vibrato and not to PITCH.
The Problem 2:  Bends that are not to PITCH.
The Fix :   LOOK then LISTEN.
         To vibrato correctly, look at the fret you’re on, then bend that note so the bending note will match the note one fret up.
EXAMPLE: You’re on the E string 15th fret, move to the 16th fret E string and pick the 16th fret E string note first to hear how it sounds. Now, go back to the 15th fret, pick that and BEND it up to sound the same as the 16th note, then lower it back down, back up, back down, back up, back down. Making very sure you are listening to only bend to that same exact note on the 16th fret E string, and then lowering the string back to it’s neutral, starting position. Do not bend it beyond the sound of the 16th fret note and don’t fall short of the 16th fret note. There, IT IS THAT EASY.
Bending a note is almost identical as using vibrato. Except….
EXAMPLE: Except you are bending beyond one fret most of the time. You are going to have to figure out a little in advance where you are on the fret board, and the note you’re going to bend to. In most cases, when someone who knows what they’re doing, they normally will bend 1-3 frets up from their starting point and know that the note they’re bending up to will make sense musically. Your ear is very important in developing both of these techniques.
           When bending a note, more so than vibrating, have your third finger (ring finger) on the note that’s ringing with the middle and first fingers helping the third finger to bend the note. Also, you can use the fourth finger (pinky) on the note you’re ringing with the other three fingers helping. The more fingers involved, the more strength and control you’ll have to do this technique correctly. When vibrating, I would still suggest using the third or fourth finger on the ringing note.
             For crying out loud!! Don’t pull a fuckin’ B.B. King, and vibrato with your first finger (index finger)!! It’s not because B.B. King is as wide as he is tall. It’s not because he plays his guitar laying horizontally on top of his fat gut. It’s not because he’s older than dirt. It’s not because he plays an absolutely hideous piece of shit guitar. It’s because doing what he does puts a lot of stress on your finger joint. And just because you might get away with it now, doesn’t mean you always will. And, you don’t know what kind of hand problems King has because of his uneducated, Lucille, crossroads bullshit. So, don’t be a fuckin’ wise-ass!!! Plus, you don’t have any control that’s worth a fuck!!
           A more advanced type of vibrato is what Steve Vai does. Stevie, try’s to vibrato as close to the way a violinist and cellist does, which is rocking your finger forward and backward. Doing this creates a true vibrato by making the note go sharp (pulling it backwards away from the fret) and then flat (pushing it forward into the fret).  Well, since a guitar has frets, this is very difficult to do well, if not borderline impossible and impractical. So what Vai has done, is to vibrato with a circular motion in order to try to capture a true vibrato with the pushing and pulling. You could also say he’s massaging the string.
          If you don’t have the time or desire to develop any other technical ability, and want to still sound good, then a little time to get this down and I mean get it down well, then these two things will give you the best bang for your buck. By far the quickest and easiest things to learn and master. Just don’t do it half-assed, because it WILL SOUND HALF-ASSED!!!
love,
       Crappy.
p. s. What the fuck are you waiting for??!!  Close your other windows with porn and Go!! Start!!!!!!!!

 

 

Episode 4 Legato below

 

https://crappystruth.wordpress.com/2009/08/01/crappy%e2%80%99s-guitar-101-episode-4-legato/

 

 

 

Episode 1 Pickup Abusers

https://crappystruth.wordpress.com/2009/04/10/crappys-guitar-101-episode-1-pickup-abusers/

Crappy’s Guitar 101: Episode 2 Using the Vibrato Bar

Hello again kiddies!!
                              And, here is the next installment of me busting your musically illiterate fuckin‘ asses in the form of, “Crappy’s Guitar 101.”  “Hooray!!!! Thanks Crappy!!!! I have needed my pathetic fuckin’ ass kicked for years!!!! And, you’ve got the size 12 to bury straight up my sphincter into my ribcage!!!!!”
 
                    Alright, down to the business of using the vibrato bar (a.k.a. whammy bar). I was a guest clinician of sorts discussing and demonstrating the proper use of the vibrato bar. How to accurately recreate the sights and sounds of Steve Vai and Joe Satriani’s bar antics. This was the type of playing Vai did specifically before he began his then, new love affair and procreation with the Eventide H3000, which evolved into the Orville and now the juggernaut-monster-incarnate, the H8000 FW.
 
 
                  There must be something genetically malformed in most people who try to use a vibrato bar. Sometimes I wonder if it should be off limits for someone new and even intermediate at guitar, to fuck with a vibrato bar.
 
The Problem:  Using the bar so it sounds like the user is shivering in -2 degree weather outside.
 
                  Taking the bar and hitting a harmonic or just a random note and making small, fast, up and down movements with the bar. Now, you’re supposed to be trying to duplicate in someway a real guitar player like Vai, Satch, or EVH’s attempts. “Gosh!! Why won’t it work for me??!!” Well, there are 3 reasons why it’s not working for you, numb-nut!!
 
1. YOU’RE NOT LISTENING to the artist you’re trying to duplicate.
2. YOU’RE NOT LISTENING to the artist you’re trying to duplicate.
3. You’re not using the full range of movement the bar offers.
 
The Fix:
 
1. LISTEN CLOSELY to what the artist is doing.
2. LISTEN CLOSELY to what the artist is doing.
3. Experiment with the wide range of movement the bar has to offer. Exaggerate the notes, making them long.
 
Even if you don’t have an Edge, Floyd or Schaller-Floyd, but you have the original standard, cheap-crap bridge that came with the guitar, that goes outta tune if you just look at it pissed, you can get some frequencies going. In most cases you should be able to copy fairly close to what their doing if you follow “The Fix”
 
There, and it IS, just that easy!
 
Crappy….
Episode 3 Below:
https://crappystruth.wordpress.com/2009/06/11/crappy%e2%80%99s-guitar-101-episode-3-vibrato-and-bending-notes/
Episode 1 Below:
https://crappystruth.wordpress.com/2009/04/10/crappys-guitar-101-episode-1-pickup-abusers/

Crappy’s Guitar 101: Episode 1 Pickup Abusers or Pickup Fuck-ups

          In this new column entitled “Crappy’s Guitar 101” I’m going to talk about the DO’s and DONT’s of guitardom. This will be a limited run of columns and won’t necessarily be a regular column as in weekly or monthly. But rather, when I feel like it. So, for this alone you may want to check back.
 
         I’ve decided to attempt to teach you knuckle-dragging, cavemen mongrels (if it’s at all possible to teach people so brain-damaged as yourselves) some simple tips, brain-numbing obvious things and general ideas you can implement, to improve your own pathetic playing. Or as I like to call it, your hacking away on that poor defenseless instrument the same as you’re chopping a small tree with a hatchet. Now, playing a guitar well, is not as hard as so many of you may think. Although, for some of you getting that beer or joint to your mouth is a challenge.
 
 
         Because playing the electric guitar technically speaking, is relatively simple. There are only so many ways to do it. Most are incorrect. And, I’ll cover these and other things in future 101’s. So, since there isn’t too much to it, unless you’re one of the tens of millions who like to make a mountain out of a mole hill as is done with playing guitar… my columns will be relatively short. My columns will typically (unless otherwise) be broken down into two (2) categories:
 
1. The Problem
 
2. The Fix
 
        Today, I will educate you birdbrain’s about proper use of pickups. When to use which one. What to use when you practice.
 
        I thought youtube was a great Internet goodie in the beginning. Now, it’s more painful than it is fun when watching some kind of music. It allows me to see just how vast the number is of jack-asses who can’t play guitar, and then are complimented be equally stupid, spectator assholes encouraging them by leaving positive comments.
 
The Problem:      Abusing the FRONT or NECK pickup. 
 
This IS the biggest fuck-up I see (AND HEAR!!). On youtube and at any local guitar store.
 
The name of the front pickup is “THE CHEAT PICKUP.”
 
           It’s called the cheat pickup because, if you can’t play clean, flip to the cheat to cover up ALL of your mistakes. The low frequency bass that cuts out all of the treble and most of the mid’s, HIDES what you are really doing. And, what you’re really doing is SLOP, SLOP, SLOPPY!!  You are CHEATING!!! You are NOT playing FAST, YOU ARE NOT PLAYING CLEAN. YOU ARE FAKING!!! YOU REALLY CAN NOT PLAY FAST OR CLEAN!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! YOU ARE A LIAR!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! You are lying to everyone listening and most importantly, you are lying to yourself. You putrid fuckers really think you’re kidding US??!!!!!!…..THE EXPERTS!!!!!!!! You LIARS think you’re tricking us, putting one over on us. Bull-Fuckin’-Shit!!!
 
           The front pickup is a crutch to those who can’t play. To those who can play, it’s just another tool for the creation process of this art form.
 
The Fix: The Bridge Pickup aka Rear Pickup.
 
The bridge pickup, DOES NOT LIE !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
The bridge pickup TELLS THE TRUTH !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
The bridge pickup TELLS THE WORLD THE TRUTH ABOUT THE PLAYER YOU REALLY ARE!!!!!!!!!!!!
 
Using the bridge pickup will EXPOSE EVERYTHING YOU ARE DOING WRONG!!!!!!!!
And, for this reason alone, you will use the bridge pickup EXCLUSIVELY DURING YOUR NORMAL DAILY PRACTICING.  
 
When you can play CLEAN with the bridge pickup, you then may use the front pickup as desired and NOT AS A CRUTCH.
 
 Here endeth today’s lesson.
 
Crappy xo
Click the link here for Episode 2: 
Published in: on April 10, 2009 at 4:03 pm  Comments (2)  

80’S HARD ROCK AND HEAVY METAL, AND THE ROCK-SOLID, FOUNDATIONAL REASONS WHY IT’S THE GREATEST DECADE OF MUSIC SO FAR. PART 1:

PART 1

           The title says it all. The 80’s were the greatest and most prolific decade of music. What’s also nice, is the 80’s hard rock and heavy metal scene actually spanned more than 10 years. It officially began in 1978 with the release of the most influential and legendary album in all of rock ‘n roll history, “Van Halen” also known today as Van Halen 1. And, this glorious and beautiful time ended as late as the early to middle portion of 1993. We need a little history first. So……
                                THE 60’S
          The 60’s were the freedom movement. Experimentation with mind altering drugs as well as experimenting with what could be done with the analog studio equipment available at that time. Jimi Hendrix and The Beatles played the biggest part in this experimentation. On a side note, I do feel Jimi Hendrix is the godfather and pioneer of what we do with an electric guitar today. I know people who think Hendrix was just a noise maker, which I strongly disagree with. If this is true, that Hendrix was just a noise maker, then, out of kaos comes order. And Jimi is still justified.
           That justification can easily be heard by listening to Edward Van Halen and Steve Vai. Edward refining what Jimi did, and Steve, again refining what Edward did. Steve Vai is a kind of “higher educated” Edward Van Halen if you will. I’m not saying Vai is an Edward clone at all. So, for you cock-suckers who say that you don’t need to know arpeggios, scales or theory of any kind, go tell that to Steve Vai. Steve Vai is the most successful and highest respected guitar player by people who’s I.Q. is in the 3 digits (aka guitar hero and my definition of this) in rock history, second only to Edward Van Halen. And, Edward getting some musical education from his father and at Pasadena City College. Uli Jon Roth is also from the 60’s and continues through today. He played a part in some known players development, but not mine. I do respect him, but I just don’t care for his stuff. Who is Uli Jon Roth? Go do some homework ya lazy pricks! In short, with few “accidental” exceptions that I solely rule on, the 60’s were a bunch of stoned, folk songwriters tinkering with an electric guitar.
                                THE 70’S
             The 70’s. Now, here is where things begin to get a little interesting. To start with…..Boston. This band was just great. They genuinely cared about the sound quality and taking their time (unlike anyone else at the time) to make sure their product was perfectly done. And, it was. Boston was the first band to have absolutely outstanding production quality in every way. And, Boston was the first band to showcase real multi-layered guitars that to this day, are still so beautiful and the starting point for what could be done with multiple guitar harmonies performed perfectly. Not to mention their harmony phrasings are just fuckin’ IT!! Guitar harmonies that no matter what state of mind I’m in, still touch me very deeply.
            Rainbow. The band Rainbow formed by Ritchie Blackmore, that allowed him to do more of what he felt to limited to do in Deep Purple. Black Sabbath who was better with Ronnie James Dio than ever with Ozzy. There were bands in the 70’s, Rainbow among them, that began to use orchestras and in some cases 70+ member orchestras in the recording of the album and to tour with, that was very ground breaking. Things called “Rock Operas” were happening more often. Some names of the time were Phantom of The Paradise (only in movie form as far as I know and is fantastic), Rocky Horror Picture Show both live then made into a film. These concepts along with other things really stretched the imagination of live music and was truly great. What could possibly be a problem with all this great stuff??!!!
             But, there was a problem. The problem was, things were getting just too big. It was no longer about seeing a band. It became something very different and they got lost in the grandeur of it all, and needed to get refocused on the smaller 4- 5 member band format. Which was the whole purpose of a band. Typically, bands of the 60’s and 70’s (with the rare exceptions of course) didn’t have any one person or two people who really stood out in the band. Everyone was pretty much the same and you really couldn’t pick out any one guy and why would you? There was nothing about the musicians that stood out to make you want to know much more. And so, most people knew the bands name but not any particular personality……
  Until….February 10, 1978    The beginning of the 80s revolution.
                    And finally……..THE 80’S !!!!……….
                   “ONE BREAK,…COMIN’ UUP!!!”

TOP 10 THINGS TO DO WITH “UNPLUGGED” BY ERIC CLAPTON & A REVIEW OF THE RECORD

I strongly recommend that all of you go out and buy Eric Clapton’s “Unplugged” CD. It’s one of his best-selling records. I know what you’re saying. You’re saying, “But Crappy, what the fuck am I going to do with it once I get it?” I knew you were going to say that, so I present here the Top 10 Things To Do With Eric Clapton’s “Unplugged” followed by a review of the album.

 

Top 10 Things To Do With “Unplugged”

10. Pass it around to your friends and tell them it’s music.

 

9. Throw it down in the streets of Beverly Hills and wait for Ozzy Osbourne to come by and take a piss on it.

 

8. Set up speakers in your garden and play it to keep snails off the cucumbers.

 

7. Two words: Toilet paper.

 

6. Use as picnic plates for very small people like midgets and Cambodians.

 

5. Punishment for children who fail to do their homework.

 

4. Play it at your next party and scare the shit out of all your guests by saying it’s the new Van Halen album.

 

3. Have a shooting contest where everybody gets their rifles and aims for the hole in the middle of the CD. The winner is the person who misses the hole and busts the CD all to hell.

 

2. Leave on the seats of a bunch of drunk bikers’ Harleys and run like hell.

 

1. Take a bunch of them to an Eric Clapton concert and sail them at his head each time he tries to start “Tears in Heaven.”

 

 

Crappy’s Quality Review of “Unplugged”

Here are all the tracks on this record and a brief description of what each song is about.

 

1. “Signe” – French for “sign,” here Clapton sings about signs that should tip you off that he is the shittiest musician ever to pick up a guitar.

 

2. “Before You Accuse Me” – Clapton wrote this song while in jail in Barcelona, Spain, after local authorities arrested him for performing public abortions (also known as Clapton guitar solos).

 

3. “Hey Hey” – This is a tune about the plight of the American farmer, but Clapton misspelled the word “hay.”

 

4. “Tears in Heaven” – One of Clapton’s most famous songs, mistakenly considered to be written about his son. Actually it’s Clapton’s prediction of what’s going to be happening in heaven once his no-talent ass shows up there.

 

5. “Lonely Stranger” – A beautiful ballad about Clapton’s first sexual experience.

 

6. “Nobody Knows You When You’re Down & Out” – This is a recap of Clapton’s life, dedicated to all six of his fans.

 

7. “Layla” – Another of Clapton’s biggest hits, this one about a 12-year-old Dominican prostitute named Layla who taught Clapton how to make chipolte sauce and then gave him the clap.

 

8. “Running on Faith” – A cute song about what Clapton’s been doing his whole career.

 

9. “Walkin’ Blues” – Like Alec Baldwin said in Glengarry Glen Ross, “It’s fuck or walk,” and Clapton’s been walking since the day he picked up the guitar. Here Clapton sings about his travels as a wannabe musician.

 

10. “Alberta” – A song not about the Canadian province but rather about a man Clapton once knew named Albert who was a cross-dressing male homosexual posing as a lesbian predator on life’s stage.

 

11. “San Francisco Bay Blues” – Yet another attempt on Clapton’s part to mislead his listeners into believing he can play blues.

 

12. “Malted Milk” – This song is about Clapton’s favorite mixed drink: milk spiked with Henry Weinhard’s Private Reserve, which makes no more sense than any of his songs.

 

13. “Old Love” – Here Clapton sings about income tax preparation, which was the career he was headed for before some evil motherfucker suggested he should take up the guitar.

 

14. “Rollin’ & Tumblin’” – A song about Clapton’s second sexual experience – and how he had to chase his sister all over the room before she passed out and he could rape her.

 

 

Do you want to know who I am? Who the hell is Crappystruth?? Click this link below to learn more about me.

 https://crappystruth.wordpress.com/2007/07/03/hello-world/

Sharon Osbourne ( A.K.A. The Devil )

          I have had the misfortune of dealing with this yeast-infected Cunt one time and one time only when I was back-stage at an Ozzfest show. I would have never imagined that so much filthy raw sewage and venom could be stuffed into such a short, fat little Candarian Demon Troll (CDT) as Sharon. This is of course at the time before “It” left the States to have the mythical 3 foot leaches suck the fat out of “It’s” disease-ridden carcass. I don’t expect “IT” to remember me. Since when does any tyrant-dictator remember their victims or the carnage they’re responsible for. Besides it being some years ago. Some of you may be familiar with some of the acting work Sharon has done. Sharon plays “Itself” as the Alien Queen in all the “Alien” films. So it’s not a stretch for “It.” 

       Ozzy’s wife/mother/handler Sharon Osbourne, goes above and beyond your average filthy cut-throat music business shark. You may hear from time to time stories or “tales” of a “creature” that redefines the terms “cold-blooded” — “heartless” — “sinister” –“soulless” these and others are terms that fit Sharon Osbourne right down to “It’s” cloven hooves. Allow me to share with you a little short story and other little tid bits woven in, about Sharon “the troll cunt” Osbourne and what a wonderful piece of work “It” is.

     When Ozzy had his falling out with Black Sabbath he spent time trying to commit suicide using drugs and alcohol and in time “The Beast” Sharon found him and tried to clean him up for the sole purpose of using him as a tool (which she still does to this day. Working Ozzy like he’s a mule plowing one thousand acres.) to try to make a name for “Itself” in the process. To show “It’s” father that “It” could do something with “It’s” worthless existence besides be an albatross the size of a tow-truck to everyone “It” encountered. Speaking of a tow-truck that’s just what Sharon resembled through most of “It’s” life. As with all Candarian Demon Trolls they will eat anything they get their claws on (chairs, license plates, tires, whatever is within reach and can be chased down) or until their gut bursts. And Sharon was no different. In addition to having a face only a mother could love or in “It’s case “like”, it is also a face that’s been slam-kissed hard by the grills of several Kenworth tractor-trailers. CDT’s are also known for waddling out into traffic aimlessly.

       Sharon has never loved Ozzy, Sharon married Ozzy in order to have total and complete control over “It’s” “investment” which anyone with two eyes can see by the way Sharon slave-works that poor son-of-a-bitch. Let’s not forget about the two humanoid looking slugs Sharon birthed, but I’ll touch on that later. So, controlling CDT’s can be a very tricky and very dangerous endeavor. I’ve heard one way is by using highly modified “Hot-shot” type cattle prods that produce a massive electrical jolt that will knock a 1,400lb cow directly on it’s ass AND incapacitate the animal for up to 30 minutes. In the case of CDT Sharon it will get the creature to move in the direction the prod user desires.

People who are familiar with early Ozzy meaning the Randy years may have heard of the names Bob Daisley and Lee Kerslake. These two Cat’s handled bass and drum duties respectively on the Randy/Ozzy material. Here is one of the typical moves that make Sharon a unique, British Bull Dog piece of shit. One day when Sharon was wallowing in the stench it’s outdoor pen, it came up with an idea to make a little more money by pulling out the old masters that Bob and Lee performed on, and removing Bob and Lee’s important contribution on those recordings. Then hiring some studio guys, and for a flat fee, rerecord Bob and Lee’s parts thereby eliminating having to rightfully pay royalties to Bob and Lee. Isn’t that a nice thing for Sharon to do for Bob and Lee?? After all, it was such a heavy burden for these two guys to have to periodically go out to their horrible mailbox to take out a royalty check once in a while. Well Sharon fixed that, didn’t it?

A very talented guitar player by the name of Joe Holmes temporarily replaced Zakk-fuck and from what I heard, Ozzy himself said he really liked Joe. Ozzy said Joe was totally a team player and very professional and very enjoyable to be around. But the fans wanted Zakk. Of this statement the one thing I don’t believe is the fans wanted Zakk. Why do I feel this? Because I’ve seen the crowds go nuts for Joe, that’s why. People were very bummed out about Jake E. Lee leaving, but I don’t recall a fan revolt about it. And, I don’t recall hearing of a fan revolt about shit-for-brains Wylde leaving either. I think what it came down to was Sharon probably has a “thing” for Zakk and likes fantasizing about breeding with him as often as possible. Joe was with Ozzy from 1995 after the recording of Ozzmosis to 1998. Then rejoined in 2000 for the Ozzfest tour and later left but not before co-writing Facing Hell, junkie, and That I Never Had for the Down to Earth album. In addition Joe worked for the greatest front-man in rock music history, David Lee Roth.

So, Joe Holmes has had serious tenure with the two biggest, legendary frontmen of all time. Now, that doesn’t happen by accident, kids. You’ve got to have your act together like nobody’s business.

Let’s not forget that worthless “The Osbournes” t.v. show. And, how Sharon sent an actual box of shit to a British reviewer who panned the show in a review of his own. Yep, Sharon is truly an even bigger pile of walking shit than Zakk. Those two fuckin’ slugs Sharon birthed, Jack and the other fat one, are the worst attempt at cloning I’ve ever seen. Listening to Rhinoceros Kelly try to sing, sounds just like the sound Loyd made from Dumb and Dumber right after he asks, “Wanna hear the most irritating sound in the world?” These two offspring are perfect examples of how the rich have no excuse for having fat children. And, the perfect reason to support abortion. Although young produced by CDT Sharon, it’s expected they’ll be huge, fat-ass, worthless wastes of space, not unlike the creature that birthed them. Sharon Osbourne…… I wouldn’t be surprised if Sharon moonlighted as some sort of an instructor to a terrorist group.

         Well, there ya go kiddies.   … Beware of the music business, the creatures that dwell within it….and the dark.

         Because……… there really IS something lurking underneath your bed AND in your closet at night.

 Your light at the end of the tunnel……Crappy  ox!

p.s. If you’re the type that really appreciated Randy Rhoads/Ozzy material, the two BEST and ONLY replacements for Randy before Jake E. Lee and even after Jake, would have been:  Craig Collins Turner or Chet Thompson. Both pupils of Randy’s. Craig very senior over Chet.

These two players would have continued that kind of songwriting but in their own way and we would’ve had many more terrific albums than this fuckin’ bullshit that Ozzy’s put out instead.

Do you want to know who I am? Who the hell is Crappystruth?? Click this link below to learn more about me.

 https://crappystruth.wordpress.com/2007/07/03/hello-world/