Crappy’s Music Business 101: Episode 1 When Are You Too Old To Rock ‘N Roll? Signs And Reasons It’s Not Gonna Happen

Hello to ALL you bullshit-poser, 2-bit hack fuckin’ fakers and of course my loyal fans!!! At last!! Crappy’s Music Business end of my site. As with “Crappy’s Guitar 101,” my music business columns will also be a limited run of columns, and each one will be up an runnin’ as I complete them (just don’t set your watch by it). Again, as with “Crappy’s Guitar 101” I’ll be covering the painfully fuckin’ obvious as well as, in this case, maybe the not-so-obvious. So, sit back and enjoy my first installment and maybe your gray matter will begin to tingle. Probably for the first time WITHOUT pharmaceuticals!! Lol!!

Crappy’s Music Business 101: Episode 1

“When Are You Too Old To Rock ‘N Roll? Signs And Reasons It’s Not Gonna Happen.”

Yep, it’s a painful pill to swallow. I’ve chosen this subject for my first music business column for the simple reason that everyone needs to know this and no one has ever addressed it.  So, let’s get right to it!

Are You Too Old To Rock?

The answer to this is in two parts. The first is, No, you’re not too old to rock. You can and should rock your fuckin’ ass off till you’re dead. That was easy enough, wasn’t it? Right?

The second part isn’t so easy. In fact, the real question is, are you too old to be a rock star? I’m going to tell you how it is. I–DID–NOT make these rules, I’m only telling you what they are. Rock ‘n roll is a young man’s game. It always has been, and it always will be. The age range for starting, building and having a career in rock, in other words, achieving, rock stardom starts about 15 years old and ends at about 30 years old.

    READ THIS NEXT PART SLOWLY AND CLOSELY!!!!
         IF, IF, IF you don’t have any upward and growing movement in your career by the time you reach 30, YOU ARE DONE!  YOU ARE DONE!  YOU ARE DONE!
          Are There Exceptions? Well, sort of. . .
1. If you’re maintaining the momentum you have (meaning it’s leveled off) but it appears that it’s going to increase.
2. Your genetics. Do you look young? No matter what your age is, relatively speaking, if you look to be about 32 or under, nature has loaned you some additional time.
3. LIE!!…LIE!!….LIE!!. If you are one of the lucky ones that looks under 32, or are really under 32 (32 is the bleed off point), get into the habit of NOT TELLING ANYONE your true age. Because you just don’t know who that person you’re talking to knows, is, or is related to. LIFE IS NOT FAIR, so why should the entertainment business at any level and in any form be different?? “The Business” IS NOT FAIR. So, you need to do what ever it takes to get an upper hand.
              Since when does any fucker need to know your age?? Huh?!! The longer you can maintain the illusion you’re young within the above age range, you ride it until “that dog won’t hunt” anymore. If you do say an age, typically, depending on your youthfulness, you can claim to be as much as 10-12 years less than your actual age. After that, your real age and your fake age must move in tandem. Exercise, use facial skin care products and talk to chicks/skin care professionals to find things to help your face and neck look younger. And, shave your face regularly because if you don’t, your gray facial hair will show. And, at some point you’ll have to color the hair on top of that fat head of yours.

People are alike all over. If you look young, but you tell your real age, 98 times or more, out of 100 you will lose the gig to a less competent person because they really are young. People will tell you one thing and do the direct opposite, i.e., THEY WILL LIE!!! So, you are just beating them to it. Every weapon at your disposal you had better use, you sure-as-shit better use ALL of them.

           “What if I can’t pull off this age bullshit or I don’t wanna play this game???”
                If you can’t or won’t play the game, you are done. It’s just that simple. It’s just that simple. 1+1=2, can’t play = You are FINISHED, won’t play = You are FINISHED.
            “Okay, I haven’t made it yet, I’m over 30 and don’t look young. Why don’t I still have a chance???”
          This is why you don’t have a chance. Teenagers are rebellious. Teenagers are looking for a rebellious leader. ANYONE…ANYONE….ANYONE who, even just a tiny bit, looks like, tone-wise sounds like, moves like, acts like, owns something like their parents, teachers, authority figure a.k.a “the man,” those teenagers will stay the fuck away from you, like a vampire stays away from a cross.
             Teenagers will and do identify with someone like them, someone who looks like them, someone who acts like them. Someone who is cool. And, LOOKS YOUNG!!!! If you resemble my parent, teacher, “the man” example above, teenagers will NOT buy what you’re selling. Who did YOU like when YOU were young??? People who were like your parents, or Blackie Lawless of W.A.S.P., David Lee Roth, Eddie Van Halen/Van Halen, Bruce Dickinson/Iron Maiden and Ozzy?? To name a few, and that usually means having long fuckin’ hair. These are the reasons you will not make it. And, these reasons are different from an established act or person.
    “But Crappy, I’m not a dishonest person, I won’t lie and I’m gonna do things my way on the up and up.”
                Okay, knock yourself out, pal. You’re in the wrong line of work. And, if that’s all you got outta what I’ve written here, than you don’t deserve to have any success and you’re a moron. People who are rock stars, made it in some way BEFORE 30, and just got bigger from there. That is what I’m saying. YOU NEED TO REREAD, REREAD REREAD THIS EPISODE so it’s really in your thick, fuckin’ head.
                     “HOMEWORK ASSIGNMENT:”
                  Homework assignment and a dare. I fuuuckin’ dare ya to find ANYONE, any-fuckin’-one who made it after the age of 32 and made it MEANS ROCK FUCKIN’ STARDOM. Someone who was UNKNOWN AND WITH NO UPWARD MOMENTUM AFTER THE AGE OF 32!!! I fuckin’ dare ya!!
                  So, if you’re over 30 and still look believably young/younger under 32, and willing to LIE, you’re one of the lucky ones and you’ve got extra time. So, you better use it wisely to your advantage. If you’re not a lucky one, you’ve always got a future in a tribute band or doing your originals at some local clubs. Yes, you can still rock, just not on the scale you hoped for. Try to find some solace in that. Shit, there are plenty of hot chicks at any age that would still be interested in hooking up with you after the show. There are plenty of young girls who have a “daddy” fetish that would like to “experiment” with you. When you’re done being their “daddy,” you can do their mommy, as in milf. So, don’t off yourself.
                   Happy Rockin’ kids!!!
Crappy!!  xo (smooch!!)
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Published in: on January 10, 2010 at 3:42 pm  Comments (4)  

Crappy’s Guitar 101: Episode 6 Choosing a Guitar Teacher and Other Forms of Learning

            See, I’m not about being a vicious tornado of ball busting destruction. Wait…who the fuck am I kidding??!! YOU bet your fuckin’ ass I am!!! Hhhaaaa haa haaaa!!!!!!!!!
           Finding a guitar teacher in today’s world who REALLY knows how to play and is well rounded is next to impossible. Or, slim to none and Slim left town. If you can find a player who can burn, and by burn I mean similar to my definition of this, you are one incredibly fortunate son-of-a-bitch. Now, they CAN be a guy who burns but may not be able to teach you anything other than technique, which is just fine. And, also has the ability to “teach.” (Having the ability to actually teach someone something, impart knowledge to another, really is a talent unto itself.) If that’s the case, that player is worth his proverbial weight in gold. Again, this is based on my definition of a real technician player. Which, by this time, if you’ve been keeping up with my columns, you should have a very good idea what this means. If not, get your fuckin’ ass back to the beginning and start reading.
           If you have the misfortune of living in a one horse town, well, your going to have to make due with some other things that I’ll be covering right here in this installment. Some things can ONLY be learned through human contact. You’re very limited by reading text. You can get a much better idea by watching a video. But, to have someone, one-on-one in front of you telling you, “Don’t do this, don’t do that. Do this, do that,” this is what NEEDS to be done. There is no two ways about it and ABSOLUTELY NO WAY around it.
        You see, I am about doing it RIGHT the FIRST mutherfucking TIME. I don’t like the term “old school” since every rap/hip-hop cock-suckin’ walkin’ pile of pig shit uses this once cool term, but I really am “Old School.” And, you as a player must take on my attitude of doing it right the first time too. Now, if you just wanna play guitar a little, get together with some neighborhood pals and start a garage band and have fun getting shit-faced drunk doing it, then my columns are not really for you. You can certainly get something out of them, but they’re directed at people who want to take music seriously and for it to be their life. Becoming a real musician is a serious business and YOU must take it seriously just as I have. And, not forget that this IS a BUSINESS, and YOU must treat it as such.
          I feel that I’m beginning to get into my new, soon to be started column entitled, “Crappy’s Music Business 101,” so I’ll bring it back to the topic at hand. You need to audition the teacher you’re considering to take lessons from. Did you find him through an advertisement? Did you walk into a music store? Did a friend or some jack-off you don’t know, tell you about this guy? You need to hear this guy go off in some way to get an idea what he can do, and if what he can do is what you’re looking to learn. If he looks pretty good at this point, you may have to actually pay for a few lessons with him to see if he can teach you and is patient with your learning curve. Some guys are kick-ass players but can’t teach you how to spell C-A-T. So, after 1-2 or 3 lessons you will know if you want to continue with this guy, or drop this cock, and continue looking.
          If you can’t locate an instructor, you’ll have to make due with video’s and the Internet. There are many places on-line you can go and I’m sure you know some already. Technically, Paul Gilbert’s videos can give you a great foundation in that area. As for your musical education, you can get a nice, sizable chunk learned at your local junior/city college, and supplement that with the video’s and on-line stuff.
Crappy…
Up next…… Crappy’s Guitar 101: Episode 7 Your Attack
Published in: on December 4, 2009 at 12:10 pm  Comments (1)  

Crappy’s Guitar 101: Episode 5 Picking

                Yep, I’m back and with a bloodthirsty vengeance. This subject is CRUCIAL. In fact, being able to correctly pick is the “do-or-die” ability of being a proficient player. If you can’t pick CORRECTLY and WELL, you are half the player you are supposed to be, and you will NEVER be the COMPLETE, WELL ROUNDED player you could be and SHOULD BE.
 
 
                Now, I’ve gone off on so many dip-shits on the Internet that I may as well talk about picking too. There are many, many variations to picking. But just a couple that are the most proficient. And, after all, if you’re going to put in the hours, days, weeks, months and in some cases years to do something, it’s pure logic you should do it the best and most proficient way possible. And, with comfort, endurance and longevity in mind.
 
 
 
                There is a guitarist who made the following statement coming up that I found really fucking funny and I can’t argue against his comment. This guitarist who is very, very good, said this then later retracted it. So, because he retracted it, he may have realized he shouldn’t have said it. So, I won’t tell his name but I will repeat his comment which was about Paul Gilbert. I paraphrase,
 
             ” Paul Gilbert isn’t doing anything that a trained monkey with arthritis and a metronome couldn’t do.”
 
              This comment is one of the funniest fuckin’ things I’ve heard in many years. Paul has come up with some neat and fun shapes, and I like some of the stuff he’s done quite a bit. But, most of it if not all of it are very simple things done very fast.
 
 
 
                 Paul Gilbert has showed you how to play his stuff. He’s done the exact same things, “concepts” in great detail for well over 20 years. And, you blind and deaf mutherfuckers still haven’t learned. So, I doubt my contribution will put much of a dent in things, but, what the fuck.
 
 
 
The Problem:  Not doing what I’m telling you.
 
 
The Fix:         Doing what I’m telling you.
 
 
             Rather than going into all the bad habits and poor techniques, I’m going to just cut to the correct things to do.
 
 
            For the visual portion of this lesson, watch any of Paul’s instructionals. Ignore his left hand completely. Watch his right hand only. His right hand is completely relaxed. His shoulders are level. Meaning he doesn’t have his right shoulder raised up by his ear (except when he’s sitting down with the guitar on his right leg then it’s raised slightly). For the most part he doesn’t bend his thumb while picking. I say, don’t bend your thumb for any reason. You’re resting the heel of your palm the portion where your little finger (the blade of your little finger) is connected on the bridge, just in front of the saddles. 
 
 
 
            When you are sitting down to play, have your guitar on your left leg. NOT your right. Having it on your left leg puts the guitar in a neutral and center position. And, is the most ergonomic and easy position to be in and to be in for a long period of time. Your thumb is straight with a very small part of the pick sticking down and out from the side of your thumb. You’re resting on the strings slightly in front of the bridge and also resting the upper part of your forearm by your elbow on the edge of the guitar body. Choose which way you’re most comfortable holding the pick in the direction it’s going to slice the string. You only have two choices. It’s a diagonal angle, left on top down to the right, or right on top to down on the left. Again, that’s how you’re holding the pick with only one of those two directions. Close your hand. Keep your fingers curled in a little like making a fist but looser. Don’t flex your arms when playing. If you do, relax and focus on the loose, relaxed wrist movement.
 
 
 
              Unsynchronized picking is when there is no control in your picking and some notes get picked 2 or 3 times, some picked once, and some may not get picked at all. There is no coordination or precision of any kind and it’s just a mess. Remember, you’re not fooling anyone with this shit.
 
 
        
             The key visual is watching Gilbert. And, only use the bridge (rear) pickup and a metronome. Speed comes naturally from doing the same thing over, and over, and over, and over, and over, and over, and over, and over, and over and a fairly slow speed with the metronome and making small incremental increases over some time. 
 
 
              That’s about it. Don’t anchor any fingers anywhere on the guitar body. Don’t have your fingers sticking straight out either. And, stop making things harder than they really aren’t. Watch his vids. He’s showing you how to do it. I think that’s it. But, I may add or do some refining to this “Picking” section so be aware. After all, I’m NOT getting paid for this!!           
 
 
 
 Crappy All Mighty.
 
xxoo 

Crappy’s Guitar 101: Episode 6 Choosing a Guitar Teacher and Other Forms of Learning

Episode 1 Pickup Abusers
https://crappystruth.wordpress.com/2009/04/10/crappys-guitar-101-episode-1-pickup-abusers/
Published in: on December 3, 2009 at 4:05 pm  Comments (3)  

Crappy’s Guitar 101: Episode 4 Legato

           Aahhhh….The smooth fluidity of lines played in the legato form. Notes seem to flow from one to the next in an effortless rainbow wave akin to a cloud-like roller coaster without the nauseating, butterfly, and stomach dropping feel. Five players that have just outstanding legato are 1. The legendary insane Shawn Lane. 2 The also legendary Allan Holdsworth. 3. Bret Garsed.  4. Greg Howe. 5. Craig Collins Turner.  Legato is done two ways:
1a. By picking the first note, then hammering-on the other 1 or 2 next notes.
Example: Using your first, second (or third) and fourth fingers(little finger/pinky). First finger on the E string 15th fret, second (or third) finger E string 17th fret and fourth finger E string 19th fret.
1b. Or, not picking any notes and strictly hammering-on.  But, if you use the pic, make the pick strike volume the same as the volume of the left hand hammering on. Using your finger (index or middle finger) to strike the string instead of the pick, will allow you to control the volume better and you’ll be able to maintain a consistent volume and tone.
2. Incorporating both hammering-on and pulling-off. When descending, picking the pinky finger note and pulling-off the rest. The reverse of example 1a.
          Perfect legato to me sounds seamless where the notes seem to slightly over lap. You should not necessarily hear the first (starting) note in the line louder than the following notes. You will notice it if the first note on each string is struck harder to get things going. Another name for this is the first note is “accented.”
          Something else to keep in mind is not to pull off. If you’re going to descend, hammer-on the descending lines notes. Pulling off will change the tonal quality and then you’ll lose the uniform tone of hammering-on. I’m not saying you can’t pull-off ever, but just keep in mind the tonal difference if you’re trying to maintain a constant fluid tone. Don’t be afraid to slide your fingers around too.
           When Yngwie legato’s he has a much more staccato tone when he hammers down, and he hammers down pretty hard. So, unless you’re listening closely to what he’s doing, everything sounds picked when it may not be.
          Warren De Martini and George Lynch do quite a bit of legato in their playing and it sounds very cool. Since their style is hard rock, rock can be very forgiving and you can get away with some things that you may not be able to in Progressive Fusion.
           So, there’s a little legato lesson for ya. Have fun playing around with it….
Crappy….

Crappy’s Guitar 101: Episode 5 Picking

Episode 1 Pickup Abusers
https://crappystruth.wordpress.com/2009/04/10/crappys-guitar-101-episode-1-pickup-abusers/

Crappy’s Guitar 101: Episode 3 Vibrato and Bending notes

          This may be the most ignored and over looked ability, while being one of the easiest things to do correctly, and when done correctly, sounds just great. Not to mention, extremely important. Vibrato and note bending is a close family member, brother really, to using the vibrato bar as I covered in Episode 2.
         Let’s say you can’t pick for shit. Let’s also say, your left hand legato or your left hand anything is also worthless, and you’re lucky to pluck a few notes. Well pal, you’re in luck. Because, being able to bend and vibrato will be the one thing you will be able to do. And, if you do what I say here, you’ll do it very well.
The Problem 1:  Shallow, Nervous, Uneven sounding vibrato and not to PITCH.
The Problem 2:  Bends that are not to PITCH.
The Fix :   LOOK then LISTEN.
         To vibrato correctly, look at the fret you’re on, then bend that note so the bending note will match the note one fret up.
EXAMPLE: You’re on the E string 15th fret, move to the 16th fret E string and pick the 16th fret E string note first to hear how it sounds. Now, go back to the 15th fret, pick that and BEND it up to sound the same as the 16th note, then lower it back down, back up, back down, back up, back down. Making very sure you are listening to only bend to that same exact note on the 16th fret E string, and then lowering the string back to it’s neutral, starting position. Do not bend it beyond the sound of the 16th fret note and don’t fall short of the 16th fret note. There, IT IS THAT EASY.
Bending a note is almost identical as using vibrato. Except….
EXAMPLE: Except you are bending beyond one fret most of the time. You are going to have to figure out a little in advance where you are on the fret board, and the note you’re going to bend to. In most cases, when someone who knows what they’re doing, they normally will bend 1-3 frets up from their starting point and know that the note they’re bending up to will make sense musically. Your ear is very important in developing both of these techniques.
           When bending a note, more so than vibrating, have your third finger (ring finger) on the note that’s ringing with the middle and first fingers helping the third finger to bend the note. Also, you can use the fourth finger (pinky) on the note you’re ringing with the other three fingers helping. The more fingers involved, the more strength and control you’ll have to do this technique correctly. When vibrating, I would still suggest using the third or fourth finger on the ringing note.
             For crying out loud!! Don’t pull a fuckin’ B.B. King, and vibrato with your first finger (index finger)!! It’s not because B.B. King is as wide as he is tall. It’s not because he plays his guitar laying horizontally on top of his fat gut. It’s not because he’s older than dirt. It’s not because he plays an absolutely hideous piece of shit guitar. It’s because doing what he does puts a lot of stress on your finger joint. And just because you might get away with it now, doesn’t mean you always will. And, you don’t know what kind of hand problems King has because of his uneducated, Lucille, crossroads bullshit. So, don’t be a fuckin’ wise-ass!!! Plus, you don’t have any control that’s worth a fuck!!
           A more advanced type of vibrato is what Steve Vai does. Stevie, try’s to vibrato as close to the way a violinist and cellist does, which is rocking your finger forward and backward. Doing this creates a true vibrato by making the note go sharp (pulling it backwards away from the fret) and then flat (pushing it forward into the fret).  Well, since a guitar has frets, this is very difficult to do well, if not borderline impossible and impractical. So what Vai has done, is to vibrato with a circular motion in order to try to capture a true vibrato with the pushing and pulling. You could also say he’s massaging the string.
          If you don’t have the time or desire to develop any other technical ability, and want to still sound good, then a little time to get this down and I mean get it down well, then these two things will give you the best bang for your buck. By far the quickest and easiest things to learn and master. Just don’t do it half-assed, because it WILL SOUND HALF-ASSED!!!
love,
       Crappy.
p. s. What the fuck are you waiting for??!!  Close your other windows with porn and Go!! Start!!!!!!!!

 

 

Episode 4 Legato below

 

https://crappystruth.wordpress.com/2009/08/01/crappy%e2%80%99s-guitar-101-episode-4-legato/

 

 

 

Episode 1 Pickup Abusers

https://crappystruth.wordpress.com/2009/04/10/crappys-guitar-101-episode-1-pickup-abusers/

Crappy’s Guitar 101: Episode 2 Using the Vibrato Bar

Hello again kiddies!!
                              And, here is the next installment of me busting your musically illiterate fuckin‘ asses in the form of, “Crappy’s Guitar 101.”  “Hooray!!!! Thanks Crappy!!!! I have needed my pathetic fuckin’ ass kicked for years!!!! And, you’ve got the size 12 to bury straight up my sphincter into my ribcage!!!!!”
 
                    Alright, down to the business of using the vibrato bar (a.k.a. whammy bar). I was a guest clinician of sorts discussing and demonstrating the proper use of the vibrato bar. How to accurately recreate the sights and sounds of Steve Vai and Joe Satriani’s bar antics. This was the type of playing Vai did specifically before he began his then, new love affair and procreation with the Eventide H3000, which evolved into the Orville and now the juggernaut-monster-incarnate, the H8000 FW.
 
 
                  There must be something genetically malformed in most people who try to use a vibrato bar. Sometimes I wonder if it should be off limits for someone new and even intermediate at guitar, to fuck with a vibrato bar.
 
The Problem:  Using the bar so it sounds like the user is shivering in -2 degree weather outside.
 
                  Taking the bar and hitting a harmonic or just a random note and making small, fast, up and down movements with the bar. Now, you’re supposed to be trying to duplicate in someway a real guitar player like Vai, Satch, or EVH’s attempts. “Gosh!! Why won’t it work for me??!!” Well, there are 3 reasons why it’s not working for you, numb-nut!!
 
1. YOU’RE NOT LISTENING to the artist you’re trying to duplicate.
2. YOU’RE NOT LISTENING to the artist you’re trying to duplicate.
3. You’re not using the full range of movement the bar offers.
 
The Fix:
 
1. LISTEN CLOSELY to what the artist is doing.
2. LISTEN CLOSELY to what the artist is doing.
3. Experiment with the wide range of movement the bar has to offer. Exaggerate the notes, making them long.
 
Even if you don’t have an Edge, Floyd or Schaller-Floyd, but you have the original standard, cheap-crap bridge that came with the guitar, that goes outta tune if you just look at it pissed, you can get some frequencies going. In most cases you should be able to copy fairly close to what their doing if you follow “The Fix”
 
There, and it IS, just that easy!
 
Crappy….
Episode 3 Below:
https://crappystruth.wordpress.com/2009/06/11/crappy%e2%80%99s-guitar-101-episode-3-vibrato-and-bending-notes/
Episode 1 Below:
https://crappystruth.wordpress.com/2009/04/10/crappys-guitar-101-episode-1-pickup-abusers/

Crappy’s Guitar 101: Episode 1 Pickup Abusers or Pickup Fuck-ups

          In this new column entitled “Crappy’s Guitar 101” I’m going to talk about the DO’s and DONT’s of guitardom. This will be a limited run of columns and won’t necessarily be a regular column as in weekly or monthly. But rather, when I feel like it. So, for this alone you may want to check back.
 
         I’ve decided to attempt to teach you knuckle-dragging, cavemen mongrels (if it’s at all possible to teach people so brain-damaged as yourselves) some simple tips, brain-numbing obvious things and general ideas you can implement, to improve your own pathetic playing. Or as I like to call it, your hacking away on that poor defenseless instrument the same as you’re chopping a small tree with a hatchet. Now, playing a guitar well, is not as hard as so many of you may think. Although, for some of you getting that beer or joint to your mouth is a challenge.
 
 
         Because playing the electric guitar technically speaking, is relatively simple. There are only so many ways to do it. Most are incorrect. And, I’ll cover these and other things in future 101’s. So, since there isn’t too much to it, unless you’re one of the tens of millions who like to make a mountain out of a mole hill as is done with playing guitar… my columns will be relatively short. My columns will typically (unless otherwise) be broken down into two (2) categories:
 
1. The Problem
 
2. The Fix
 
        Today, I will educate you birdbrain’s about proper use of pickups. When to use which one. What to use when you practice.
 
        I thought youtube was a great Internet goodie in the beginning. Now, it’s more painful than it is fun when watching some kind of music. It allows me to see just how vast the number is of jack-asses who can’t play guitar, and then are complimented be equally stupid, spectator assholes encouraging them by leaving positive comments.
 
The Problem:      Abusing the FRONT or NECK pickup. 
 
This IS the biggest fuck-up I see (AND HEAR!!). On youtube and at any local guitar store.
 
The name of the front pickup is “THE CHEAT PICKUP.”
 
           It’s called the cheat pickup because, if you can’t play clean, flip to the cheat to cover up ALL of your mistakes. The low frequency bass that cuts out all of the treble and most of the mid’s, HIDES what you are really doing. And, what you’re really doing is SLOP, SLOP, SLOPPY!!  You are CHEATING!!! You are NOT playing FAST, YOU ARE NOT PLAYING CLEAN. YOU ARE FAKING!!! YOU REALLY CAN NOT PLAY FAST OR CLEAN!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! YOU ARE A LIAR!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! You are lying to everyone listening and most importantly, you are lying to yourself. You putrid fuckers really think you’re kidding US??!!!!!!…..THE EXPERTS!!!!!!!! You LIARS think you’re tricking us, putting one over on us. Bull-Fuckin’-Shit!!!
 
           The front pickup is a crutch to those who can’t play. To those who can play, it’s just another tool for the creation process of this art form.
 
The Fix: The Bridge Pickup aka Rear Pickup.
 
The bridge pickup, DOES NOT LIE !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
The bridge pickup TELLS THE TRUTH !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
The bridge pickup TELLS THE WORLD THE TRUTH ABOUT THE PLAYER YOU REALLY ARE!!!!!!!!!!!!
 
Using the bridge pickup will EXPOSE EVERYTHING YOU ARE DOING WRONG!!!!!!!!
And, for this reason alone, you will use the bridge pickup EXCLUSIVELY DURING YOUR NORMAL DAILY PRACTICING.  
 
When you can play CLEAN with the bridge pickup, you then may use the front pickup as desired and NOT AS A CRUTCH.
 
 Here endeth today’s lesson.
 
Crappy xo
Click the link here for Episode 2: 
Published in: on April 10, 2009 at 4:03 pm  Comments (2)  

TOP 10 THINGS TO DO WITH “UNPLUGGED” BY ERIC CLAPTON & A REVIEW OF THE RECORD

I strongly recommend that all of you go out and buy Eric Clapton’s “Unplugged” CD. It’s one of his best-selling records. I know what you’re saying. You’re saying, “But Crappy, what the fuck am I going to do with it once I get it?” I knew you were going to say that, so I present here the Top 10 Things To Do With Eric Clapton’s “Unplugged” followed by a review of the album.

 

Top 10 Things To Do With “Unplugged”

10. Pass it around to your friends and tell them it’s music.

 

9. Throw it down in the streets of Beverly Hills and wait for Ozzy Osbourne to come by and take a piss on it.

 

8. Set up speakers in your garden and play it to keep snails off the cucumbers.

 

7. Two words: Toilet paper.

 

6. Use as picnic plates for very small people like midgets and Cambodians.

 

5. Punishment for children who fail to do their homework.

 

4. Play it at your next party and scare the shit out of all your guests by saying it’s the new Van Halen album.

 

3. Have a shooting contest where everybody gets their rifles and aims for the hole in the middle of the CD. The winner is the person who misses the hole and busts the CD all to hell.

 

2. Leave on the seats of a bunch of drunk bikers’ Harleys and run like hell.

 

1. Take a bunch of them to an Eric Clapton concert and sail them at his head each time he tries to start “Tears in Heaven.”

 

 

Crappy’s Quality Review of “Unplugged”

Here are all the tracks on this record and a brief description of what each song is about.

 

1. “Signe” – French for “sign,” here Clapton sings about signs that should tip you off that he is the shittiest musician ever to pick up a guitar.

 

2. “Before You Accuse Me” – Clapton wrote this song while in jail in Barcelona, Spain, after local authorities arrested him for performing public abortions (also known as Clapton guitar solos).

 

3. “Hey Hey” – This is a tune about the plight of the American farmer, but Clapton misspelled the word “hay.”

 

4. “Tears in Heaven” – One of Clapton’s most famous songs, mistakenly considered to be written about his son. Actually it’s Clapton’s prediction of what’s going to be happening in heaven once his no-talent ass shows up there.

 

5. “Lonely Stranger” – A beautiful ballad about Clapton’s first sexual experience.

 

6. “Nobody Knows You When You’re Down & Out” – This is a recap of Clapton’s life, dedicated to all six of his fans.

 

7. “Layla” – Another of Clapton’s biggest hits, this one about a 12-year-old Dominican prostitute named Layla who taught Clapton how to make chipolte sauce and then gave him the clap.

 

8. “Running on Faith” – A cute song about what Clapton’s been doing his whole career.

 

9. “Walkin’ Blues” – Like Alec Baldwin said in Glengarry Glen Ross, “It’s fuck or walk,” and Clapton’s been walking since the day he picked up the guitar. Here Clapton sings about his travels as a wannabe musician.

 

10. “Alberta” – A song not about the Canadian province but rather about a man Clapton once knew named Albert who was a cross-dressing male homosexual posing as a lesbian predator on life’s stage.

 

11. “San Francisco Bay Blues” – Yet another attempt on Clapton’s part to mislead his listeners into believing he can play blues.

 

12. “Malted Milk” – This song is about Clapton’s favorite mixed drink: milk spiked with Henry Weinhard’s Private Reserve, which makes no more sense than any of his songs.

 

13. “Old Love” – Here Clapton sings about income tax preparation, which was the career he was headed for before some evil motherfucker suggested he should take up the guitar.

 

14. “Rollin’ & Tumblin’” – A song about Clapton’s second sexual experience – and how he had to chase his sister all over the room before she passed out and he could rape her.

 

 

Do you want to know who I am? Who the hell is Crappystruth?? Click this link below to learn more about me.

 https://crappystruth.wordpress.com/2007/07/03/hello-world/

NO Fuckin’ chick can Rock. Broads CAN NOT Rock and Chick Bands Totally FUCKIN’ SUCK!!

I thought I would deviate a little in this installment of SUCKS to focus on the continuing proliferation of dog shit chick bands. Before I begin, here are MY exceptions to MY rule. They are Phantom Blue (the original members) and Vixen. Phantom Blue was considered a female Racer X, the one and only. And maybe an additional group of females under about 5 total that I’ve heard that have some ability to use an electric guitar. This has nothing to do with male member bands who have female singers, and there are only a few bands that I accept with female singers because these females are genuine powerhouses (these bands to be named later).

Watching a typical group of dingbat broads attempting to use musical instruments is just like watching someone’s pet trying to pull it’s stuck head out of a paper bag. No matter how many times I watch it, I just can’t stop laughing. Chicks, with the rare exceptions, do not possess the physical strength and dexterity to develop the technical ability to play a stringed instrument. Chick bands overall, at best are a novelty but really chick bands are the funniest joke in the music world.

“Hey, Crappy, what’s wrong with girl bands?? I think your head’s up your ass, dude!! Girls can rock just as hard as any guy bands out there. Bonnie Raitt can rock you asshole!! Avril Lavigne can rock!” I’ve heard these and other similar feeble comments that are all based in utter fantasy land. You little “twats” that throw this silly shit at me is like throwing a stick at the side of a 50 story building and expecting some damage to occur.

Besides these typical idiot chicks lacking any form of physical and technical ability, the songs they come up with are just the worst shit. I’m not a fan of The Runaways at all, but I’ll give ’em credit for in some way being original. I’ve found it strange how most if not all butch-dykes are into The Runaways but way more so, other chick bands where the songs are guy bashing. And they’ve got this theme of “woman power” which I find funny. Woman power…..I’m gonna try to stay away from that bunch-a-shit except to say, it was, it is, and will always be….. a man’s world. So get used to it.

Oh, and just a little “secret tip” here for all ya dumb, little, fat and skinny bitches….. chopping off your hair, getting tattoos and piercings won’t change the fact that so many of you are fuckin’ ugly. Be it fat-ass tubs or skinny bean poles it really doesn’t matter. The more of that shit you do to yourselves the fewer guys are gonna want to fuckin’ deal with you.

I personally don’t like tat’s on a chicks lower back, let alone anywhere else on her body. When I’m plowing some chick from behind and I see this, it’s like having a big neon sign I’m looking down on saying, “Eat at Joe’s” or “Toyota’s biggest dealership west of the Mississippi,” I fuckin’ hate it!!! And having piercings through area’s “south of the border” on a chick. When I go “downtown,” on some chick, I want to see, smell, and taste the girl. That’s all. I don’t want to be shockingly and angrily surprised to see “YKK” while I’m down there.

And, let’s not forget how miserable it is to be within 30 feet of a bitter, mean, wretched, nasty and hateful fuckin’ bitch. It’s hard enough for a guy to get drunk enough to charity fuck your ass, but to have to close his eyes and pretend you look okay while putting up with your man bashing bullshit, after a large number of hard drinks is just asking way too much.

Back to the subject. Some names mentioned above I’ll comment on. Bonnie Raitt, isn’t a rocker. She’s another of too many that get confused with rockers by you ignorant twinks. Raitt is a folk/country performer. Occasionally using a distorted guitar tone a “rocker” does not make. Here is some “Rock 101” for ya, an acoustic guitar is used to intro the main body of a song and then coming out of the main body of the song to it’s ending. Or for some songs entirely for an occasional ballad. Also for the biggest abomination, “unplugged.” Yes, anything “unplugged” is the biggest humiliation a rock/metal band can perform on themselves. What’s wrong with girl band’s? I just got done telling you, ya thick headed asshole.

Avril Lavigne…. aside from me having a little interest in plowing her back 40 little ass, the music she’s done is sometimes cute, but mostly goofy. To hear what material this chick would really like to be playing but will never have the stones to do it, you can check out Pintsize at Pintsizerocks.com . This material for this style of music which I normally don’t like, really kicks ass. This band is very, very tight as I would expect them to be with world renowned axe-man Paul Gilbert ensuring things are done right while at the same time Paul handling guitar duties.

This chick who’s fronting this band is going by the name “Pint” I have to say really knows her fuckin’ shit and my hat’s off to her. The production of these tunes I’m so happy to say is very good as well. The tunes that are available to hear for free on their site and Myspace page are all soooo strong and so enjoyable I really look forward to getting their CD and seeing them live.

See, that wasn’t so bad! I started off with cleaning your wound that’s called your brain and ended with some edification. This may not be the end of this chick stuff for me, but for now….go …play with yourselves…..and Pint, she’s a tasty one!

Your Pal, Crappy…

The Aerosmith rap/hip-hop connection.

As in my title page I mention the band Aerosmith is somehow in cahoots with rap/hip-hop. This band receiving by me sole credit for opening the sewer gates to the rise of the worst entity creation since Nazi Germany. Now, I’m a hard rock “Rocker” to the core, make no mistake about it. I believe in rebellion, rebellious activities and all around ”fun” that most rock/metal covers along with other styles that cover political stuff (those bands to be named in future posts) and of course fun, loose, by the seat of your pants rock (those bands also to be named later)  and an all around general stimulation and shaking up of things. Stagnation is a killer. Having said this, I must clarify that rap/hip-hop in no way fits into this or any other musical concepts.

What rap/hip-hop does possess is the innate ability to provoke and encourage blind, meaningless violence and death. There never has, nor will ever be anything in anyway, shape, or form that is redeemable about this sewer-rat diarrhea.  I’ve seen how these ex-con’s and soon to be re-incarcerated in state penitentiary savages act at their own award shows. Including the times when it wasn’t reported by the media.  Award shows that reward this sewer-rat vomit only the criminally insane consider legitimate music. These walking shit-pies are below the lowest rung on the evolutionary ladder, both musically and otherwise. There was a time not so long ago when someone was considered an outcast to be just 1/5th  the violent, street-trash scumbag, these full-blown, degenerate, life-long criminals are today.

So, anyway, before we came into the 80’s the music world was saved from the evil creature in the 70’s called “disco” by one of the two greatest bands ever called….. Van Halen (that will be a post unto itself). As bands progressed into the 80’s, musicianship was fast becoming  better and better because of Eddie Van Halen and Yngwie Malmsteen’s pioneering abilities. Rap at this time was looking for a way to legitimize itself before it dropped off the map like other inner city horseshit. It was still in the shitty streets of the larger tenements and slums of major cities along with break dancing and the rest of this low-life bullshit that had it’s days numbered.

At this time, bands from the 70’s were having a lot of difficulty with their feeble attempts at trying to keep up with, let alone compete with these new and very talented bands of the 80’s.  Specifically smokin’ guitar players, colorful front-men and just very good musicianship combined with showmanship, way cool songs and a style that was fresh and very cool. Aerosmith were a bunch of drug addicts which was no secret and they were really, very quickly on their way out. They were copying the younger bands clothes and other things to try to keep up but it really wasn’t working.

The Aerosmith burn-outs were at the “do or die” point of their tired, all-over-with career and were willing to try “anything” to resurrect their exhausted, drugged-out carcasses from the ashes of “has-been’s.” Enter Run McDLT…oops!!…uh…..Run DMC (originally called “Orange Crush”).  I will give credit to the fans of all the fake, poser  popular gutless excuse for rock of today in that at least they are aware of a small portion of rock history. I’ve talked to many people who are up to and well over the age of 30 years old who are very much into rap/hip-hop and not one of these “hardcore rap fans” knows who Run DMC is. Run DMC…..the godfathers of modern-day rap/hip-hop and these bastards don’t even get their comeuppance relatively speaking. Run McDLT should be very proud of this subterranean world of sewer shit they’ve created that’s now above ground and deserve everything their getting…..or NOT getting which ever is worse.

1986 was the beginning of the end.  Run McDLT put out their album Raising Hell with a featured song and sickening video on MTV, a collaboration with Aerosmith entitled Walk this Way a mutilated version of the original piece of shit song off Aerosmith’s 1976 album Toys in the Attic. This was to give Aerosmith an extended career on borrowed time and the chance for scumbag shit-piles everywhere to capitalize on the ever increasing decline of all that was once great and full of hope. To create and market to teens and early 20’s people who in every 6 to 18 months seem to get more and more fuckin’ stupid with every breath. A window that appears to close smaller and smaller as we go along. There are some metal bands that I have no respect for that embraced this abomination in their own idiotic way and reinforced it for a group of years.

The way I understand it to be, 80% of all rap/hip-hop CD sales are made by white kids (when the fuck are they gonna wake up). And in the last 12-18 months sales have been down by as much as 20% if the stats I’ve read are accurate which I sure as holy fuckin’ shit hope. Could this be the beginning of the end of rap/hip-hop? Oh, joy joy!!

 

Do you want to know who I am? Who the hell is Crappystruth?? Click this link below to learn more about me.

 https://crappystruth.wordpress.com/2007/07/03/hello-world/