Crappy’s Music Business 101: Episode 1 When Are You Too Old To Rock ‘N Roll? Signs And Reasons It’s Not Gonna Happen

Hello to ALL you bullshit-poser, 2-bit hack fuckin’ fakers and of course my loyal fans!!! At last!! Crappy’s Music Business end of my site. As with “Crappy’s Guitar 101,” my music business columns will also be a limited run of columns, and each one will be up an runnin’ as I complete them (just don’t set your watch by it). Again, as with “Crappy’s Guitar 101” I’ll be covering the painfully fuckin’ obvious as well as, in this case, maybe the not-so-obvious. So, sit back and enjoy my first installment and maybe your gray matter will begin to tingle. Probably for the first time WITHOUT pharmaceuticals!! Lol!!

Crappy’s Music Business 101: Episode 1

“When Are You Too Old To Rock ‘N Roll? Signs And Reasons It’s Not Gonna Happen.”

Yep, it’s a painful pill to swallow. I’ve chosen this subject for my first music business column for the simple reason that everyone needs to know this and no one has ever addressed it.  So, let’s get right to it!

Are You Too Old To Rock?

The answer to this is in two parts. The first is, No, you’re not too old to rock. You can and should rock your fuckin’ ass off till you’re dead. That was easy enough, wasn’t it? Right?

The second part isn’t so easy. In fact, the real question is, are you too old to be a rock star? I’m going to tell you how it is. I–DID–NOT make these rules, I’m only telling you what they are. Rock ‘n roll is a young man’s game. It always has been, and it always will be. The age range for starting, building and having a career in rock, in other words, achieving, rock stardom starts about 15 years old and ends at about 30 years old.

    READ THIS NEXT PART SLOWLY AND CLOSELY!!!!
         IF, IF, IF you don’t have any upward and growing movement in your career by the time you reach 30, YOU ARE DONE!  YOU ARE DONE!  YOU ARE DONE!
          Are There Exceptions? Well, sort of. . .
1. If you’re maintaining the momentum you have (meaning it’s leveled off) but it appears that it’s going to increase.
2. Your genetics. Do you look young? No matter what your age is, relatively speaking, if you look to be about 32 or under, nature has loaned you some additional time.
3. LIE!!…LIE!!….LIE!!. If you are one of the lucky ones that looks under 32, or are really under 32 (32 is the bleed off point), get into the habit of NOT TELLING ANYONE your true age. Because you just don’t know who that person you’re talking to knows, is, or is related to. LIFE IS NOT FAIR, so why should the entertainment business at any level and in any form be different?? “The Business” IS NOT FAIR. So, you need to do what ever it takes to get an upper hand.
              Since when does any fucker need to know your age?? Huh?!! The longer you can maintain the illusion you’re young within the above age range, you ride it until “that dog won’t hunt” anymore. If you do say an age, typically, depending on your youthfulness, you can claim to be as much as 10-12 years less than your actual age. After that, your real age and your fake age must move in tandem. Exercise, use facial skin care products and talk to chicks/skin care professionals to find things to help your face and neck look younger. And, shave your face regularly because if you don’t, your gray facial hair will show. And, at some point you’ll have to color the hair on top of that fat head of yours.

People are alike all over. If you look young, but you tell your real age, 98 times or more, out of 100 you will lose the gig to a less competent person because they really are young. People will tell you one thing and do the direct opposite, i.e., THEY WILL LIE!!! So, you are just beating them to it. Every weapon at your disposal you had better use, you sure-as-shit better use ALL of them.

           “What if I can’t pull off this age bullshit or I don’t wanna play this game???”
                If you can’t or won’t play the game, you are done. It’s just that simple. It’s just that simple. 1+1=2, can’t play = You are FINISHED, won’t play = You are FINISHED.
            “Okay, I haven’t made it yet, I’m over 30 and don’t look young. Why don’t I still have a chance???”
          This is why you don’t have a chance. Teenagers are rebellious. Teenagers are looking for a rebellious leader. ANYONE…ANYONE….ANYONE who, even just a tiny bit, looks like, tone-wise sounds like, moves like, acts like, owns something like their parents, teachers, authority figure a.k.a “the man,” those teenagers will stay the fuck away from you, like a vampire stays away from a cross.
             Teenagers will and do identify with someone like them, someone who looks like them, someone who acts like them. Someone who is cool. And, LOOKS YOUNG!!!! If you resemble my parent, teacher, “the man” example above, teenagers will NOT buy what you’re selling. Who did YOU like when YOU were young??? People who were like your parents, or Blackie Lawless of W.A.S.P., David Lee Roth, Eddie Van Halen/Van Halen, Bruce Dickinson/Iron Maiden and Ozzy?? To name a few, and that usually means having long fuckin’ hair. These are the reasons you will not make it. And, these reasons are different from an established act or person.
    “But Crappy, I’m not a dishonest person, I won’t lie and I’m gonna do things my way on the up and up.”
                Okay, knock yourself out, pal. You’re in the wrong line of work. And, if that’s all you got outta what I’ve written here, than you don’t deserve to have any success and you’re a moron. People who are rock stars, made it in some way BEFORE 30, and just got bigger from there. That is what I’m saying. YOU NEED TO REREAD, REREAD REREAD THIS EPISODE so it’s really in your thick, fuckin’ head.
                     “HOMEWORK ASSIGNMENT:”
                  Homework assignment and a dare. I fuuuckin’ dare ya to find ANYONE, any-fuckin’-one who made it after the age of 32 and made it MEANS ROCK FUCKIN’ STARDOM. Someone who was UNKNOWN AND WITH NO UPWARD MOMENTUM AFTER THE AGE OF 32!!! I fuckin’ dare ya!!
                  So, if you’re over 30 and still look believably young/younger under 32, and willing to LIE, you’re one of the lucky ones and you’ve got extra time. So, you better use it wisely to your advantage. If you’re not a lucky one, you’ve always got a future in a tribute band or doing your originals at some local clubs. Yes, you can still rock, just not on the scale you hoped for. Try to find some solace in that. Shit, there are plenty of hot chicks at any age that would still be interested in hooking up with you after the show. There are plenty of young girls who have a “daddy” fetish that would like to “experiment” with you. When you’re done being their “daddy,” you can do their mommy, as in milf. So, don’t off yourself.
                   Happy Rockin’ kids!!!
Crappy!!  xo (smooch!!)
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Published in: on January 10, 2010 at 3:42 pm  Comments (4)  

Crappy’s Guitar 101: Episode 6 Choosing a Guitar Teacher and Other Forms of Learning

            See, I’m not about being a vicious tornado of ball busting destruction. Wait…who the fuck am I kidding??!! YOU bet your fuckin’ ass I am!!! Hhhaaaa haa haaaa!!!!!!!!!
           Finding a guitar teacher in today’s world who REALLY knows how to play and is well rounded is next to impossible. Or, slim to none and Slim left town. If you can find a player who can burn, and by burn I mean similar to my definition of this, you are one incredibly fortunate son-of-a-bitch. Now, they CAN be a guy who burns but may not be able to teach you anything other than technique, which is just fine. And, also has the ability to “teach.” (Having the ability to actually teach someone something, impart knowledge to another, really is a talent unto itself.) If that’s the case, that player is worth his proverbial weight in gold. Again, this is based on my definition of a real technician player. Which, by this time, if you’ve been keeping up with my columns, you should have a very good idea what this means. If not, get your fuckin’ ass back to the beginning and start reading.
           If you have the misfortune of living in a one horse town, well, your going to have to make due with some other things that I’ll be covering right here in this installment. Some things can ONLY be learned through human contact. You’re very limited by reading text. You can get a much better idea by watching a video. But, to have someone, one-on-one in front of you telling you, “Don’t do this, don’t do that. Do this, do that,” this is what NEEDS to be done. There is no two ways about it and ABSOLUTELY NO WAY around it.
        You see, I am about doing it RIGHT the FIRST mutherfucking TIME. I don’t like the term “old school” since every rap/hip-hop cock-suckin’ walkin’ pile of pig shit uses this once cool term, but I really am “Old School.” And, you as a player must take on my attitude of doing it right the first time too. Now, if you just wanna play guitar a little, get together with some neighborhood pals and start a garage band and have fun getting shit-faced drunk doing it, then my columns are not really for you. You can certainly get something out of them, but they’re directed at people who want to take music seriously and for it to be their life. Becoming a real musician is a serious business and YOU must take it seriously just as I have. And, not forget that this IS a BUSINESS, and YOU must treat it as such.
          I feel that I’m beginning to get into my new, soon to be started column entitled, “Crappy’s Music Business 101,” so I’ll bring it back to the topic at hand. You need to audition the teacher you’re considering to take lessons from. Did you find him through an advertisement? Did you walk into a music store? Did a friend or some jack-off you don’t know, tell you about this guy? You need to hear this guy go off in some way to get an idea what he can do, and if what he can do is what you’re looking to learn. If he looks pretty good at this point, you may have to actually pay for a few lessons with him to see if he can teach you and is patient with your learning curve. Some guys are kick-ass players but can’t teach you how to spell C-A-T. So, after 1-2 or 3 lessons you will know if you want to continue with this guy, or drop this cock, and continue looking.
          If you can’t locate an instructor, you’ll have to make due with video’s and the Internet. There are many places on-line you can go and I’m sure you know some already. Technically, Paul Gilbert’s videos can give you a great foundation in that area. As for your musical education, you can get a nice, sizable chunk learned at your local junior/city college, and supplement that with the video’s and on-line stuff.
Crappy…
Up next…… Crappy’s Guitar 101: Episode 7 Your Attack
Published in: on December 4, 2009 at 12:10 pm  Comments (1)  

Crappy’s Guitar 101: Episode 5 Picking

                Yep, I’m back and with a bloodthirsty vengeance. This subject is CRUCIAL. In fact, being able to correctly pick is the “do-or-die” ability of being a proficient player. If you can’t pick CORRECTLY and WELL, you are half the player you are supposed to be, and you will NEVER be the COMPLETE, WELL ROUNDED player you could be and SHOULD BE.
 
 
                Now, I’ve gone off on so many dip-shits on the Internet that I may as well talk about picking too. There are many, many variations to picking. But just a couple that are the most proficient. And, after all, if you’re going to put in the hours, days, weeks, months and in some cases years to do something, it’s pure logic you should do it the best and most proficient way possible. And, with comfort, endurance and longevity in mind.
 
 
 
                There is a guitarist who made the following statement coming up that I found really fucking funny and I can’t argue against his comment. This guitarist who is very, very good, said this then later retracted it. So, because he retracted it, he may have realized he shouldn’t have said it. So, I won’t tell his name but I will repeat his comment which was about Paul Gilbert. I paraphrase,
 
             ” Paul Gilbert isn’t doing anything that a trained monkey with arthritis and a metronome couldn’t do.”
 
              This comment is one of the funniest fuckin’ things I’ve heard in many years. Paul has come up with some neat and fun shapes, and I like some of the stuff he’s done quite a bit. But, most of it if not all of it are very simple things done very fast.
 
 
 
                 Paul Gilbert has showed you how to play his stuff. He’s done the exact same things, “concepts” in great detail for well over 20 years. And, you blind and deaf mutherfuckers still haven’t learned. So, I doubt my contribution will put much of a dent in things, but, what the fuck.
 
 
 
The Problem:  Not doing what I’m telling you.
 
 
The Fix:         Doing what I’m telling you.
 
 
             Rather than going into all the bad habits and poor techniques, I’m going to just cut to the correct things to do.
 
 
            For the visual portion of this lesson, watch any of Paul’s instructionals. Ignore his left hand completely. Watch his right hand only. His right hand is completely relaxed. His shoulders are level. Meaning he doesn’t have his right shoulder raised up by his ear (except when he’s sitting down with the guitar on his right leg then it’s raised slightly). For the most part he doesn’t bend his thumb while picking. I say, don’t bend your thumb for any reason. You’re resting the heel of your palm the portion where your little finger (the blade of your little finger) is connected on the bridge, just in front of the saddles. 
 
 
 
            When you are sitting down to play, have your guitar on your left leg. NOT your right. Having it on your left leg puts the guitar in a neutral and center position. And, is the most ergonomic and easy position to be in and to be in for a long period of time. Your thumb is straight with a very small part of the pick sticking down and out from the side of your thumb. You’re resting on the strings slightly in front of the bridge and also resting the upper part of your forearm by your elbow on the edge of the guitar body. Choose which way you’re most comfortable holding the pick in the direction it’s going to slice the string. You only have two choices. It’s a diagonal angle, left on top down to the right, or right on top to down on the left. Again, that’s how you’re holding the pick with only one of those two directions. Close your hand. Keep your fingers curled in a little like making a fist but looser. Don’t flex your arms when playing. If you do, relax and focus on the loose, relaxed wrist movement.
 
 
 
              Unsynchronized picking is when there is no control in your picking and some notes get picked 2 or 3 times, some picked once, and some may not get picked at all. There is no coordination or precision of any kind and it’s just a mess. Remember, you’re not fooling anyone with this shit.
 
 
        
             The key visual is watching Gilbert. And, only use the bridge (rear) pickup and a metronome. Speed comes naturally from doing the same thing over, and over, and over, and over, and over, and over, and over, and over, and over and a fairly slow speed with the metronome and making small incremental increases over some time. 
 
 
              That’s about it. Don’t anchor any fingers anywhere on the guitar body. Don’t have your fingers sticking straight out either. And, stop making things harder than they really aren’t. Watch his vids. He’s showing you how to do it. I think that’s it. But, I may add or do some refining to this “Picking” section so be aware. After all, I’m NOT getting paid for this!!           
 
 
 
 Crappy All Mighty.
 
xxoo 

Crappy’s Guitar 101: Episode 6 Choosing a Guitar Teacher and Other Forms of Learning

Episode 1 Pickup Abusers
https://crappystruth.wordpress.com/2009/04/10/crappys-guitar-101-episode-1-pickup-abusers/
Published in: on December 3, 2009 at 4:05 pm  Comments (3)  

Crappy’s Guitar 101: Episode 1 Pickup Abusers or Pickup Fuck-ups

          In this new column entitled “Crappy’s Guitar 101” I’m going to talk about the DO’s and DONT’s of guitardom. This will be a limited run of columns and won’t necessarily be a regular column as in weekly or monthly. But rather, when I feel like it. So, for this alone you may want to check back.
 
         I’ve decided to attempt to teach you knuckle-dragging, cavemen mongrels (if it’s at all possible to teach people so brain-damaged as yourselves) some simple tips, brain-numbing obvious things and general ideas you can implement, to improve your own pathetic playing. Or as I like to call it, your hacking away on that poor defenseless instrument the same as you’re chopping a small tree with a hatchet. Now, playing a guitar well, is not as hard as so many of you may think. Although, for some of you getting that beer or joint to your mouth is a challenge.
 
 
         Because playing the electric guitar technically speaking, is relatively simple. There are only so many ways to do it. Most are incorrect. And, I’ll cover these and other things in future 101’s. So, since there isn’t too much to it, unless you’re one of the tens of millions who like to make a mountain out of a mole hill as is done with playing guitar… my columns will be relatively short. My columns will typically (unless otherwise) be broken down into two (2) categories:
 
1. The Problem
 
2. The Fix
 
        Today, I will educate you birdbrain’s about proper use of pickups. When to use which one. What to use when you practice.
 
        I thought youtube was a great Internet goodie in the beginning. Now, it’s more painful than it is fun when watching some kind of music. It allows me to see just how vast the number is of jack-asses who can’t play guitar, and then are complimented be equally stupid, spectator assholes encouraging them by leaving positive comments.
 
The Problem:      Abusing the FRONT or NECK pickup. 
 
This IS the biggest fuck-up I see (AND HEAR!!). On youtube and at any local guitar store.
 
The name of the front pickup is “THE CHEAT PICKUP.”
 
           It’s called the cheat pickup because, if you can’t play clean, flip to the cheat to cover up ALL of your mistakes. The low frequency bass that cuts out all of the treble and most of the mid’s, HIDES what you are really doing. And, what you’re really doing is SLOP, SLOP, SLOPPY!!  You are CHEATING!!! You are NOT playing FAST, YOU ARE NOT PLAYING CLEAN. YOU ARE FAKING!!! YOU REALLY CAN NOT PLAY FAST OR CLEAN!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! YOU ARE A LIAR!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! You are lying to everyone listening and most importantly, you are lying to yourself. You putrid fuckers really think you’re kidding US??!!!!!!…..THE EXPERTS!!!!!!!! You LIARS think you’re tricking us, putting one over on us. Bull-Fuckin’-Shit!!!
 
           The front pickup is a crutch to those who can’t play. To those who can play, it’s just another tool for the creation process of this art form.
 
The Fix: The Bridge Pickup aka Rear Pickup.
 
The bridge pickup, DOES NOT LIE !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
The bridge pickup TELLS THE TRUTH !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
The bridge pickup TELLS THE WORLD THE TRUTH ABOUT THE PLAYER YOU REALLY ARE!!!!!!!!!!!!
 
Using the bridge pickup will EXPOSE EVERYTHING YOU ARE DOING WRONG!!!!!!!!
And, for this reason alone, you will use the bridge pickup EXCLUSIVELY DURING YOUR NORMAL DAILY PRACTICING.  
 
When you can play CLEAN with the bridge pickup, you then may use the front pickup as desired and NOT AS A CRUTCH.
 
 Here endeth today’s lesson.
 
Crappy xo
Click the link here for Episode 2: 
Published in: on April 10, 2009 at 4:03 pm  Comments (2)  

VAN HALEN……….The Return of “The King”

In this edition of SUCKS, there initially seems to be nothing that sucks about a Van Halen reunion. What the hell could suck, right??!! In fact, as I watched the press conference begin, I could feel my eyes water and experienced the same child-like joy, excitement and awe as the moment I saw the present filled bottom of my Christmas tree at 5:30am Christmas morning when I was 7 years old. I genuinely felt I was watching a miracle unfold at the same time I was having some shortness of breath and still in total disbelief. I am totally and completely a Roth/Van Halen fan from the word “go.”

Plus, I’ve got to say too, the number 1 greatest rock band in rock history, is the 1986 David Lee Roth Band. Eat’em And Smile is a legendary album with Dave’s relatively unknown at the time band members Steve Vai, Billy Sheehan and Gregg Bissonette. All of which are living legends in their own right. The only way I could conceivably be more in awe, would be with a reunion of the DLR Band with the original 1986 lineup which is clearly a far superior band to original Van Halen in every way possible. Yes, Van Halen being number two greatest of all time. And again, the 1986 DLR Band being the number 1 greatest rock band in history. So you all are clear on this.

During the Roth/Van Halen separation, you were with one side or the other. I was in the Roth camp. And it was, is and will always be as clear as a summer day, David Lee Roth “ran” Van Halen and rightfully so. David Lee Roth made Van Halen a household word. David Lee Roth is the engine, the driving force, the life force and brains of Van Halen and anything good Van Halen ever produces. Without David, Van Halen is just another band. A fact that has been proven time and time again with Dave’s absence and Van Halen’s diminishing album sales and eventual drop by Warner Bros.

So anyway, as I continued to watch the Van Halen press conference , some of my joy began to turn into shock and my stomach began to have a dropping feeling similar to when you’re on a roller coaster, as my eyes noticed someone standing where Michael Anthony should be. This “someone” was the size of two grown, overweight adults stuffed into the same single pair of pants and shirt. I thought, “Why the hell do they have a fat bodyguard on stage with them?” Well, this was no fuckin’ bodyguard. And it seemed to take forever until we all learned who this fat-ass was. None other than Edward Van Halen’s kid,”Wofgang.”

Wolfgang Van Halen who’s real fuckin’ name is Baby Huey (http://www.toonopedia.com/babyhuey.htm). I just can’t believe what the Van Halen brothers are thinking!! Of ALL the bass player replacements to choose from, Eddie “shit for brains” chooses his kid. The best, most likely and “fuckin’ obvious” replacement is the greatest rock bassist of all time, Billy Sheehan. Let me tell ya’ something, there is no muther fuckin’ way Ed’s fat-ass tub of a kid could and should be doing a tour with these guys and you know he’s gonna fuckin’ suck dick. As pathetically lame of a bass player as Michael Anthony is, Michael is the only one (with the exception of Billy) who should be doing this tour. But, this is just another of so many typical fuckups by the Van Halen Brothers.

I’ve said it before, there is no fuckinexcuse for the rich to have an overweight child. Valerie has been doing Jenny Craig commercial’s and losing her own fat caboose, “Hey Val!! How about you getting your own kid’s intake under control!! Don’t you and Ed love your own child??!!! You two dumb shits went through more than enough hell to have him!!” Both you Val and Ed get your fuckin’ acts together and fix your damn kids shit!!.

Wolfgang shows no sign in any way that he will be able to carry the musical torch once Eddie his father has passed on. So don’t plan on the Van Halen legacy to continue. When Ed is dead, it’s over. The Van Halen legacy will end. And really, the only VH albums you should own are the first six with David Lee Roth. The rest are useless filler unless a new one with Dave is done.

One more thing, these outrageous ticket prices for this show. Ya know you guys, going into major debt to see a rock show is plain and simple, bullshit. $180 for nose bleed section seats and of course the ticket sites I’ve seen tell you that you have to buy a pair or more in all cases. That kind of money just so you can say, ” Hey yeah, I saw the Van Halen ANT show.” And the “great” seats, front row just off center were going for $3,745 per ticket and you aren’t allowed to buy just one. So, double that price. Thanks Van Halen for treating all your loyal, true blue fans who supported your fuckin’ asses all these years with not one but two worthless, gutless, jack-off replacements, just to have you two alcoholics violently raping our ass with these ticket prices. I love you guys, but you’re fucked up.

Crappy (A true Roth/Van Halen fan who’s terribly disappointed).

Do you want to know who I am? Who the hell is Crappystruth?? Click this link below to learn more about me.

 https://crappystruth.wordpress.com/2007/07/03/hello-world/