Crappy’s Music Business 101: Episode 1 When Are You Too Old To Rock ‘N Roll? Signs And Reasons It’s Not Gonna Happen

Hello to ALL you bullshit-poser, 2-bit hack fuckin’ fakers and of course my loyal fans!!! At last!! Crappy’s Music Business end of my site. As with “Crappy’s Guitar 101,” my music business columns will also be a limited run of columns, and each one will be up an runnin’ as I complete them (just don’t set your watch by it). Again, as with “Crappy’s Guitar 101” I’ll be covering the painfully fuckin’ obvious as well as, in this case, maybe the not-so-obvious. So, sit back and enjoy my first installment and maybe your gray matter will begin to tingle. Probably for the first time WITHOUT pharmaceuticals!! Lol!!

Crappy’s Music Business 101: Episode 1

“When Are You Too Old To Rock ‘N Roll? Signs And Reasons It’s Not Gonna Happen.”

Yep, it’s a painful pill to swallow. I’ve chosen this subject for my first music business column for the simple reason that everyone needs to know this and no one has ever addressed it.  So, let’s get right to it!

Are You Too Old To Rock?

The answer to this is in two parts. The first is, No, you’re not too old to rock. You can and should rock your fuckin’ ass off till you’re dead. That was easy enough, wasn’t it? Right?

The second part isn’t so easy. In fact, the real question is, are you too old to be a rock star? I’m going to tell you how it is. I–DID–NOT make these rules, I’m only telling you what they are. Rock ‘n roll is a young man’s game. It always has been, and it always will be. The age range for starting, building and having a career in rock, in other words, achieving, rock stardom starts about 15 years old and ends at about 30 years old.

         IF, IF, IF you don’t have any upward and growing movement in your career by the time you reach 30, YOU ARE DONE!  YOU ARE DONE!  YOU ARE DONE!
          Are There Exceptions? Well, sort of. . .
1. If you’re maintaining the momentum you have (meaning it’s leveled off) but it appears that it’s going to increase.
2. Your genetics. Do you look young? No matter what your age is, relatively speaking, if you look to be about 32 or under, nature has loaned you some additional time.
3. LIE!!…LIE!!….LIE!!. If you are one of the lucky ones that looks under 32, or are really under 32 (32 is the bleed off point), get into the habit of NOT TELLING ANYONE your true age. Because you just don’t know who that person you’re talking to knows, is, or is related to. LIFE IS NOT FAIR, so why should the entertainment business at any level and in any form be different?? “The Business” IS NOT FAIR. So, you need to do what ever it takes to get an upper hand.
              Since when does any fucker need to know your age?? Huh?!! The longer you can maintain the illusion you’re young within the above age range, you ride it until “that dog won’t hunt” anymore. If you do say an age, typically, depending on your youthfulness, you can claim to be as much as 10-12 years less than your actual age. After that, your real age and your fake age must move in tandem. Exercise, use facial skin care products and talk to chicks/skin care professionals to find things to help your face and neck look younger. And, shave your face regularly because if you don’t, your gray facial hair will show. And, at some point you’ll have to color the hair on top of that fat head of yours.

People are alike all over. If you look young, but you tell your real age, 98 times or more, out of 100 you will lose the gig to a less competent person because they really are young. People will tell you one thing and do the direct opposite, i.e., THEY WILL LIE!!! So, you are just beating them to it. Every weapon at your disposal you had better use, you sure-as-shit better use ALL of them.

           “What if I can’t pull off this age bullshit or I don’t wanna play this game???”
                If you can’t or won’t play the game, you are done. It’s just that simple. It’s just that simple. 1+1=2, can’t play = You are FINISHED, won’t play = You are FINISHED.
            “Okay, I haven’t made it yet, I’m over 30 and don’t look young. Why don’t I still have a chance???”
          This is why you don’t have a chance. Teenagers are rebellious. Teenagers are looking for a rebellious leader. ANYONE…ANYONE….ANYONE who, even just a tiny bit, looks like, tone-wise sounds like, moves like, acts like, owns something like their parents, teachers, authority figure a.k.a “the man,” those teenagers will stay the fuck away from you, like a vampire stays away from a cross.
             Teenagers will and do identify with someone like them, someone who looks like them, someone who acts like them. Someone who is cool. And, LOOKS YOUNG!!!! If you resemble my parent, teacher, “the man” example above, teenagers will NOT buy what you’re selling. Who did YOU like when YOU were young??? People who were like your parents, or Blackie Lawless of W.A.S.P., David Lee Roth, Eddie Van Halen/Van Halen, Bruce Dickinson/Iron Maiden and Ozzy?? To name a few, and that usually means having long fuckin’ hair. These are the reasons you will not make it. And, these reasons are different from an established act or person.
    “But Crappy, I’m not a dishonest person, I won’t lie and I’m gonna do things my way on the up and up.”
                Okay, knock yourself out, pal. You’re in the wrong line of work. And, if that’s all you got outta what I’ve written here, than you don’t deserve to have any success and you’re a moron. People who are rock stars, made it in some way BEFORE 30, and just got bigger from there. That is what I’m saying. YOU NEED TO REREAD, REREAD REREAD THIS EPISODE so it’s really in your thick, fuckin’ head.
                     “HOMEWORK ASSIGNMENT:”
                  Homework assignment and a dare. I fuuuckin’ dare ya to find ANYONE, any-fuckin’-one who made it after the age of 32 and made it MEANS ROCK FUCKIN’ STARDOM. Someone who was UNKNOWN AND WITH NO UPWARD MOMENTUM AFTER THE AGE OF 32!!! I fuckin’ dare ya!!
                  So, if you’re over 30 and still look believably young/younger under 32, and willing to LIE, you’re one of the lucky ones and you’ve got extra time. So, you better use it wisely to your advantage. If you’re not a lucky one, you’ve always got a future in a tribute band or doing your originals at some local clubs. Yes, you can still rock, just not on the scale you hoped for. Try to find some solace in that. Shit, there are plenty of hot chicks at any age that would still be interested in hooking up with you after the show. There are plenty of young girls who have a “daddy” fetish that would like to “experiment” with you. When you’re done being their “daddy,” you can do their mommy, as in milf. So, don’t off yourself.
                   Happy Rockin’ kids!!!
Crappy!!  xo (smooch!!)
Published in: on January 10, 2010 at 3:42 pm  Comments (4)  

Crappy’s Guitar 101: Episode 6 Choosing a Guitar Teacher and Other Forms of Learning

            See, I’m not about being a vicious tornado of ball busting destruction. Wait…who the fuck am I kidding??!! YOU bet your fuckin’ ass I am!!! Hhhaaaa haa haaaa!!!!!!!!!
           Finding a guitar teacher in today’s world who REALLY knows how to play and is well rounded is next to impossible. Or, slim to none and Slim left town. If you can find a player who can burn, and by burn I mean similar to my definition of this, you are one incredibly fortunate son-of-a-bitch. Now, they CAN be a guy who burns but may not be able to teach you anything other than technique, which is just fine. And, also has the ability to “teach.” (Having the ability to actually teach someone something, impart knowledge to another, really is a talent unto itself.) If that’s the case, that player is worth his proverbial weight in gold. Again, this is based on my definition of a real technician player. Which, by this time, if you’ve been keeping up with my columns, you should have a very good idea what this means. If not, get your fuckin’ ass back to the beginning and start reading.
           If you have the misfortune of living in a one horse town, well, your going to have to make due with some other things that I’ll be covering right here in this installment. Some things can ONLY be learned through human contact. You’re very limited by reading text. You can get a much better idea by watching a video. But, to have someone, one-on-one in front of you telling you, “Don’t do this, don’t do that. Do this, do that,” this is what NEEDS to be done. There is no two ways about it and ABSOLUTELY NO WAY around it.
        You see, I am about doing it RIGHT the FIRST mutherfucking TIME. I don’t like the term “old school” since every rap/hip-hop cock-suckin’ walkin’ pile of pig shit uses this once cool term, but I really am “Old School.” And, you as a player must take on my attitude of doing it right the first time too. Now, if you just wanna play guitar a little, get together with some neighborhood pals and start a garage band and have fun getting shit-faced drunk doing it, then my columns are not really for you. You can certainly get something out of them, but they’re directed at people who want to take music seriously and for it to be their life. Becoming a real musician is a serious business and YOU must take it seriously just as I have. And, not forget that this IS a BUSINESS, and YOU must treat it as such.
          I feel that I’m beginning to get into my new, soon to be started column entitled, “Crappy’s Music Business 101,” so I’ll bring it back to the topic at hand. You need to audition the teacher you’re considering to take lessons from. Did you find him through an advertisement? Did you walk into a music store? Did a friend or some jack-off you don’t know, tell you about this guy? You need to hear this guy go off in some way to get an idea what he can do, and if what he can do is what you’re looking to learn. If he looks pretty good at this point, you may have to actually pay for a few lessons with him to see if he can teach you and is patient with your learning curve. Some guys are kick-ass players but can’t teach you how to spell C-A-T. So, after 1-2 or 3 lessons you will know if you want to continue with this guy, or drop this cock, and continue looking.
          If you can’t locate an instructor, you’ll have to make due with video’s and the Internet. There are many places on-line you can go and I’m sure you know some already. Technically, Paul Gilbert’s videos can give you a great foundation in that area. As for your musical education, you can get a nice, sizable chunk learned at your local junior/city college, and supplement that with the video’s and on-line stuff.
Up next…… Crappy’s Guitar 101: Episode 7 Your Attack
Published in: on December 4, 2009 at 12:10 pm  Comments (1)  

Yngwie Johann Malmsteen: A Legend, A Pioneer And An Inspiration To Us All

               Yngwie Johann Malmsteen (born Lars Johan Yngve Lannerbäck ) is A Legend, A Pioneer And An Inspiration To Us All. And,  has RIGHTFULLY EARNED the RESPECT of every last one of you filthy, stinking, degenerate, mutherfuckin’ THANKLESS and UNGRATEFUL FUCKIN’ SHEEP RAPISTS, for BEING THE SOLE CREATOR of something that NEVER EXISTED before he came along.
               Yngwie has been viciously attacked for more years than I care to count. The insults I hear are among the most brainless I’ve heard about anyone. Bullshit about his weight and his poor interview skills are two I’ve heard too many times. Really, who gives a fuckin’ shit??! And, why would you give a fuckin’ shit???!!! The massive bulk of you filthy, poser fakes, beating up on your own guitar, can’t speak well enough when ordering fries at a drive-through. Of all the players I’ve had the sincere pleasure of meeting, knowing and becoming good friends with throughout the years, and there have been many, Yngwie is the only one that’s slipped through my radar. A number of times we’ve just missed each other by only a few minutes.
               I’ve heard stories both nice and not so nice about Yngwie’s behavior. And, in the end, do you buy someone’s music, for the kind of person they are in their personal life, or do you buy their music for…..THEIR MUSIC? The enjoyment their music gives you. I’ll tell ya right now, I never have, nor will I EVER base my purchase of an artist’s music on their personality. And, unless all of you are hypocrites, (Sadly, most of you are hypocrites.) YOU WON’T EITHER.
               Now, since I’m right about every fuckin’ thing I say and write, this column will be just the same. Yngwie has problems, hey, don’t we all!! One difference between most people who are fucked up and Yngwie is, Yngwie is talented and is a pioneer (pioneering is something very few have done in anything), meaning Yngwie started the Shred movement. Yngwie is solely responsible for the concept, the idea for high speed, articulated picking and incorporating a bunch of Paganiniesque, Vivaldi and J.S. Bach flavorings, and harmonic minor into his playing. Yngwie cornered the market on these. So, anyone who tries to play too closely to this, has been called an “Yngwie Clone.” For a player to have such a powerful influence, that a name “Yngwie clone” is created, is really incredible. No other player has matched this feat.
                Before Yngwie, SHREDDING DID NOT EXIST. So, the terms “shred, shredding, shredder” NEVER EXISTED and were applied to Yngwie FIRST. The term “shredded” came into existence first with bodybuilding, describing how extremely lean or “shredded” a bodybuilder was during their competition shows, and then drifted over to describing the technical prowess of guitar players around 1985/1986 and expanded to a few variations.
                For the six or so years following Edward Van Halen’s meteoric rise to legendary status, prior to Yngwie’s debut release of “Rising Force,” (which by the way earned Yngwie a Grammy nomination) most current and every new player of the time, took advantage of the easy-to-do, and speed of doing the two-handed hammer-on pull-offs that Edward exposed us too. Many people used this technique as a “CRUTCH” (a crutch, sound familiar??!?). A few up-and-coming players at the time tried to stay away from this technique or did very little of it. Randy Rhoads and Jake E. Lee were two players who mostly stayed away from it but used it sparingly. Yngwie put a stop to all this two-handed bullshit.
              Yngwie picked faster than everyone was doing their two-handed shit, and many, many people admitted to total disbelief upon their first few listening’s of Rising Force, that they thought the recording was sped up. Yngwie woke up everyone to the idea that, we better get off our asses, stop bullshitting ourselves and start to really put in time to be a quality player. Yngwie elevated the electric guitar from being what a 60’s scumbag-drug-addict used, to being a respected instrument and to be taken seriously with a world of legitimate potential.
                One gutless comment I hear about every new Yngwie album that comes out, from countless people is, “It’s sounds just like every other Yngwie album.” Yngwie created something from essentially nothing, and then you fuckers say it sounds like every other album. It sounds like Yngwie. You can make that same exact “sounds like every other album by fill in the blank” comment, about EVERY artist that has ever existed. That’s right!!! EVERY OTHER ARTIST!!!!! Every artist is doing what they do, but when Yngwie is doing his style, suddenly it’s a bad thing. THAT IS CALLED BEING A HYPOCRITE.
             If you’re gonna say that about Yngwie, then tell the truth and say it about ALL. So, will you? Of course you won’t, because so many of you are gutless, spineless fuckin’ cowards. Afraid to stand out, afraid to be a “man.” Afraid to be an individual and not follow what your friends “the sheep” say. Afraid to stake your own claim in this life. No, you won’t, you have no balls. And, you’ll continue to stand on the sidelines and watch life pass you by, and you’ll be a Monday morning quarterback. Yngwie did it HIS WAY. Yngwie may be the only well known player that has stayed true to what he does, and he will be remembered as the legendary pioneer that HE IS.
                                                     So, fuck you.
              Yngwie has consistently, consistently superior vibrato and bends, both always perfectly to pitch. Always a clean, clean player. And he has been a very good songwriter including writing his own lyrics. His phrasing is very unique and outstanding. My personal favorite lead is from the song “You Don’t Remember, I’ll Never Forget.” His lead in this song I feel is his best. Every time I hear this I can feel the screaming bloody agony of a ripped apart heart. The emotional, broken hearted pain of this song is in every single second. And when the lead happens, I haven’t heard anyone write and then perform phrasing with such intense, realistic suffering ever in my life. So, if all you hear is some fast notes, that tells me you haven’t heard Yngwie, and you are the musical illiterates I’ve always known you filthy trash to be.
              The song “Marching Out” is another outstanding song. It’s a very sexual instrumental. “Brothers” off of Seventh Sign is another beautiful instrumental, it sounds like it maybe should be named something else because it sounds like it’s written for a lost love too. And, to me 1:52-2:16 sounds like he’s screaming to the heavens to return that one true love. Yngwie’s version of “Child in Time” is terrific. Open your fuckin’ ears, you stupid bastards and listen.
My suggestions if you’re a new guitar user for Yngwie Cd’s to get, would be these to get a good idea, and in no particular order:
1. Rising Force
2. Marching Out
3. Trilogy
4. Fire and Ice
P.S. In 1987 Yngwie was in a serious car accident and was in a coma for a week and was not expected to live. Here’s a legendary, pioneering player who survived a near death accident. We are all fortunate to have this legendary player still with us today. I can think of many people that wish Randy was still with us. Me among them.

Crappy’s Guitar 101: Episode 1 Pickup Abusers or Pickup Fuck-ups

          In this new column entitled “Crappy’s Guitar 101” I’m going to talk about the DO’s and DONT’s of guitardom. This will be a limited run of columns and won’t necessarily be a regular column as in weekly or monthly. But rather, when I feel like it. So, for this alone you may want to check back.
         I’ve decided to attempt to teach you knuckle-dragging, cavemen mongrels (if it’s at all possible to teach people so brain-damaged as yourselves) some simple tips, brain-numbing obvious things and general ideas you can implement, to improve your own pathetic playing. Or as I like to call it, your hacking away on that poor defenseless instrument the same as you’re chopping a small tree with a hatchet. Now, playing a guitar well, is not as hard as so many of you may think. Although, for some of you getting that beer or joint to your mouth is a challenge.
         Because playing the electric guitar technically speaking, is relatively simple. There are only so many ways to do it. Most are incorrect. And, I’ll cover these and other things in future 101’s. So, since there isn’t too much to it, unless you’re one of the tens of millions who like to make a mountain out of a mole hill as is done with playing guitar… my columns will be relatively short. My columns will typically (unless otherwise) be broken down into two (2) categories:
1. The Problem
2. The Fix
        Today, I will educate you birdbrain’s about proper use of pickups. When to use which one. What to use when you practice.
        I thought youtube was a great Internet goodie in the beginning. Now, it’s more painful than it is fun when watching some kind of music. It allows me to see just how vast the number is of jack-asses who can’t play guitar, and then are complimented be equally stupid, spectator assholes encouraging them by leaving positive comments.
The Problem:      Abusing the FRONT or NECK pickup. 
This IS the biggest fuck-up I see (AND HEAR!!). On youtube and at any local guitar store.
The name of the front pickup is “THE CHEAT PICKUP.”
           It’s called the cheat pickup because, if you can’t play clean, flip to the cheat to cover up ALL of your mistakes. The low frequency bass that cuts out all of the treble and most of the mid’s, HIDES what you are really doing. And, what you’re really doing is SLOP, SLOP, SLOPPY!!  You are CHEATING!!! You are NOT playing FAST, YOU ARE NOT PLAYING CLEAN. YOU ARE FAKING!!! YOU REALLY CAN NOT PLAY FAST OR CLEAN!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! YOU ARE A LIAR!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! You are lying to everyone listening and most importantly, you are lying to yourself. You putrid fuckers really think you’re kidding US??!!!!!!…..THE EXPERTS!!!!!!!! You LIARS think you’re tricking us, putting one over on us. Bull-Fuckin’-Shit!!!
           The front pickup is a crutch to those who can’t play. To those who can play, it’s just another tool for the creation process of this art form.
The Fix: The Bridge Pickup aka Rear Pickup.
The bridge pickup, DOES NOT LIE !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
The bridge pickup TELLS THE TRUTH !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Using the bridge pickup will EXPOSE EVERYTHING YOU ARE DOING WRONG!!!!!!!!
And, for this reason alone, you will use the bridge pickup EXCLUSIVELY DURING YOUR NORMAL DAILY PRACTICING.  
When you can play CLEAN with the bridge pickup, you then may use the front pickup as desired and NOT AS A CRUTCH.
 Here endeth today’s lesson.
Crappy xo
Click the link here for Episode 2: 
Published in: on April 10, 2009 at 4:03 pm  Comments (2)  

“SHREDDING” What is it???!!

SHREDDING. What is it? Who does it? Who does it RIGHT? Who does it WRONG? How can I tell the difference? How can I be sure to do it right? Why should I give a shit? Why is shredding so bashed on? Why is shredding so misunderstood?

Shredding is a subject that is the biggest debated, most heatedly argued about subject in all of the guitar world. People who actually totally suck are held up as guitar hero’s. Real players who are truly legendary are at best glanced at, then forgotten, but normally ignored. Why is this? How and why has this reversal occurred? From the 17th century towards the end of the 20th century (1991 or so to be specific) a musician was treated with the highest respect if he was of an incredible ability. The most well known and relatively recent examples of this are: Nicolo Paganini, Franz Liszt, Frederic Chopin. And these legends seem to have faded.

These and so many countless other musicians of a supernatural caliber have been ignored with almost no exception (Coltrane is one modern day musician occasionally talked about). Some guitar players who’ve had their day in the sun to varying degrees are Edward Van Halen, Randy Rhodes, Yngwie Malmsteen, Steve Vai and, Joe Satriani. There are others….. just fill in the blank.

Here are some of my thoughts as to why we have this continuing problem. WE as Americans are pathetically fuckin’ stupid. And sadly, it’s not limited to music. So, we have illiterate morons in varying degrees all over the country graduating and not graduating from high school with no way to tell the difference. Today when someone is gifted at something and their at a typical school k-12, the scumbag-puke, low-life students of the school will insult, berate and relentlessly harass these people and treat them as outcasts, just for using their minds. This is what we have still. But, with music we have championed mediocrity like I still can’t believe.

Shredding is:

1. Having perfect technique and applying it.

2. Having total technical command of the instrument.

3. Having very good to great musical knowledge: theory, arps, scales etc, in addition using a metronome for timing, to build lines along with all the nuances including but not limited to bending to pitch and correct vibrato. Meaning how it works and making it work for you.

4. Taking all of the above to create lyrical phrases and overall well thought out compositions and the ability to improvise very good phrasings to beautiful phrasings over any progression. Blending fast as well as slow to create a well balanced audio piece of art…….

………………..This is the GOAL

Playing guitar is one of those things that is constantly evolving and you’re always getting better (in theory). Even if you can’t do something today, tomorrow you will hopefully be a little better. Why is shredding always attacked? Because the people who attack it are lazy, jealous, resentful, butt-fuckin’ slobs who will never put in the flight time to do it right. And that lack is carried over into and through out their pathetic lives. Misery loves company. And, since we Americans overall are fuckin’ miserable, wretched slugs, this is what we do. Bitch about, bash, attack and insult talented people because we aren’t willing to do what it takes ‘THE WORK” to accomplish greatness ourselves. You know….like when you insult the Japanese saying, ” Look at those rice patty slopes playing shredding guitar! They’ll never be as good as an American!” Yep, I’ve heard you fuckers say this kind of shit when you thought no one was around. Well, the Asians and Europeans kick ass on guitar and fewer and fewer Americans relatively speaking are putting in the “CORRECT” time into burning ourselves. It doesn’t have to be this way.

But, until enough of you filthy fuck’s clean up your own shit, it’s gonna stay this way. Here’s a partial list of awesome players to check out, you stinkin’ jackals:

1. Shawn Lane …..the number 1 greatest of all time. So very, very far above any and all others.  The greatest who ever lived and will ever live. Rest In Peace, Shawn. Musically speaking, G*d himself spoke through this man.

2. Alan Holdsworth—Living Legend

3. Greg Howe—Outstanding player by any account

4. Larry Mitchell—–has a fluidity, class and style that’s so original and a breath of fresh air. Shredding without shredding.

5. Frank Gambale—an original burner  with terrific phrasing

6. Bret Garsed—-along with T.J. have produced some of the best guitar music recorded.

7. Roy Ashen and T.J. Helmrich— the two most incredible 8 finger players I’ve ever heard.

8. Al Di Meola

9. Yngwie Malmsteen   The guy who pioneered shred. Yngwie did what Ritchie Blackmore was always too inept to do. Yngwie consistently has outstanding vibrato, bends and is about as clean of a player as they come. And, Yngwie was also responsible for ending the abuse of two handed, one finger on the right hand hammer-on-pull-off’s that ran rampant in the very early 80’s.

10. Jason Becker

11. Kei Morioka    Of all the terrific Japanese players I’ve heard, and their are many, including but not limited to the most well known, Akira Takasaki, Kei Morioka is head and shoulders above them all. In fact, I believe Kei Morioka is one of the top 5 greatest electric guitar players that has ever lived. Bar none.

12. Randy Rhoads

13. Michael Lee Firkins

13. Craig Collins Turner

14. Marty Friedman

14. Scott Henderson

15. Chet Thompson

16. Steve Morse

17. Paul Gilbert  Fantastic alternate picking an fun shapes.

18. Steve Vai    Maybe you’ve heard of’em? Hey Stevie, thanks for that aborted abomination “Sex and Religion.”  Steve, without a doubt, is one of just a tiny few of the most lyrical players to ever lift a guitar.

19. Dallas Perkins     Fairly unknown but I just like his playing. He’s been very creative over the years and a helluva nice guy.

20. Jake E. Lee  The greatest live performer I’ve ever seen. And, the best live performer of Randy Rhoads material too.

21. Joe Holmes


23. The DeMarco Brothers, Freddy & Johnny    Terrific duo and their CD Shipwrecked is too damn cool.

24. Patrick Rondat

25. Luca Turilli       Along with keyboardist Alex Staropoli

26. Todd Duane    You had so much promise. Especially with Lale Larsen on keys. Maybe if you had taken some classes on marketing and “self-promotion” instead of wasting away with a cover band for over 10 years. Todd, another name is called “schmoozing. That’s the secret you couldn’t figure out. Now that you’ve got a family without having had any success prior to having a family, you are finished, my friend. Just sad. Todd, I remember when…..

27. Chris Impellitteri        He was burning during Yngwie’s formative years. I’ve always liked Chris’ playing and was very happy when he parted ways with Graham ” I’m a drunk and love Coors too much” Bonnet. I still don’t hear the appeal of Grahams vocals.

28. Ronni Le Tekro

29. Kiko Loureiro    Isn’t too bad…

30. Brian Carol aka Buckethead      Brian and I were introduced to each other many years ago (yes, without the bucket and mask) and I found him to be a very quiet and pleasant guy. I find Brian’s music overall to be just too peculiar for me. I very much like the Nottingham Lace version live. The version where you hear a guys voice at the beginning in the back yell, “Buckethead thank you for coming!” There are others. Brian can burn, there’s no doubt. But, I have a low threshold for heavily discordant, incoherent material. His “Leatherface – gore” theme is amusing but wears thin fast for me. Brian’s the best thing ever to happen to G n’ R. That’s one band I may have to do a post on. I just don’t fuckin’ like ’em.

31. Bruce Bouillet    of Racer-X   Got all of Paul’s sequences down and to speed within a week or so of Paul teaching them to Bruce. And, I’ve always felt Bruce was a better player than Paul, which is no slam to Paul at all.

32. Chris Arvan  Was Paul Gilbert’s replacement in Racer-X and had no problem in any way at all filling Paul’s shoes. Those of you fortunate enough to hear Chris absolutely rip live when he was 19/20yrs old know this is true. Chris had some very cool and creative ideas, and was a noticeably much better player than Paul. Chris (and Bruce), as a relatively unknown player(s), was able to read the writing on the wall and see where the guitar scene was going early enough and did what was best for him and save himself. Which, in the end, is really all any of us can do. Cool man. That goes for Bruce B. too.

33.  Arkadiy Starodoub  This guy kicks some fuckin’ ass.

And, let’s not forget the guitar player who started it all, and saved us all with the guidance and leadership of the number one greatest rock frontman in rock history, Diamond David Lee Roth. Yep, I’m talkin’ about Edward Van Halen. Edward, who showed us all what it meant and still means to be a showman and combine that with a fantastic and unique playing ability. To have the ability to go-off with a smile on his face and have tons of fun doing it. While at the same time inspire millions and millions and millions to pick up a guitar and learn to have our own brand of fun too. And, for us to try to live our dreams.

There is one maybe two of these players (Alright!! Maybe more!!) who have an odd ball way of picking which I don’t recommend doing.

Honorable Mention

            These players don’t necessarily fit into the category above, but they are terrific in their own right, and I happen to really like much of what they’ve done over the years (Except for shithead Rob M.). And, I wanted to have a section called “Honorable Mention.” But, there are some people from above who are more appropriate to be in here. So at some point I’ll adjust the above list slightly. You just may be surprised! Like who???? You’ll just have to check back, won’t cha!!
Warren De Martini of RATT   Warren is one of my very favorite players. Warren is what I call a “Finesse” player and a bona fide original. This guy is just so damn smooth. He’s got just enough speed to let you know he can, and yet, never over does it. His phrasing is always very tasty. Warren’s got this lite touch with great dexterity, really cat-like, and flavors his leads with a wide array of colors and textures without ever getting too weighted down or old. And, just enough aggression when it’s called for. Warren never over plays anything, and when I listen to him, he sounds as though he’s somehow channeling energy like he’s a magician that makes it happen out of nowhere. Warren is just one helluva well balanced and creative player, with seemingly no end to his creative ideas executed perfectly every time. Just great.
George Lunch…err..ahh  Lynch of Dokken and Lunch Mob    I liked George’s materiel most with Dokken. His intro to Paris is Burning Live is terrific. The songs were very cool and George is another player that never over plays. He’s got speed and puts it in where appropriate and a very unique vibrato where he slides up and down the neck very fast. Really creative and another real original. I’ve always felt George and Warren seemed to be from the same musical neighborhood. They are very similar in some way that I can’t seem to explain, but still different enough that one doesn’t sound like a copy of the other. And, still have established more than enough individualistic style, that you won’t confuse one for the other.
Vivian Campbell of DIO   Viv was Ronnie James Dio’s first guitarist when Ronnie went out on his own. Songs like Rainbow in the Dark and Last in Line show off what Viv could do in a very aggressive way. But, I just never dug his tone. It sounds like very crunchy, over cooked fried chicken sounds when you’re chomping on it.
Andy Timmons    This guy does a lot of stuff really, really well. A versital player who really came into his own starting in the middle part of the 90’s, but kicked ass before that point. Plus, he’s a cool guy.

Anton Oparin   I’ve been watching this kid for a few years now, and so far, this kid is for real and all of you better lookout!! He’s endorsing Gary Kramer guitars, which I think suck. But some of Anton’s guitars have 1 pickup, a single humbucker. So you can really hear what he’s doing. And what he’s doing is pretty damn clean with and without distortion.

Although this is the Honorable Mention section, I have to say, FUCK THIS PRICK AND FUCK YOU ROB!! …

…Rob Marcello    Because I’m quite pissed off with Rob, I’m very reluctant to say anything good about this clown. Ya know Rob, here in America among the civilized few, it’s customary to say thank you when someone goes out of their way to make arrangements to HELP you get your fuckin’ ass into this country!! I normally expect to be kissed when I’m getting fucked. So to that, thanks Rob. This Swede can burn “okay” with pretty good phrasing and ”okay” songs.  There, ya happy Rob?!! Now, stick it up your ass!!

Who sucks? For a guy who has a B.A. in music and has had it for over 25 years, Michael Angelo still can’t come up with a half way decent tune. What the fuck??!! Michael has been able to make a living doing clinics around the world, teaching his brand of PAINFULLY BORING, USELESS, BRAIN NUMBING, 30+ year old ideas (that sucked the first time around) to a brand new, fledgling group of guitar players and how to pick fucked up. His speed, at best is barely adequate. But……his stuff with Holland wasn’t too bad. Hey Mike, have you finally learned your lesson about “locking” the doors on your equipment truck? And, maybe it’s not such a good idea to park it overnight in a K-mart parking lot!!  Ya think?!!!

Zakk Wylde. Every time I see or hear this filthy, grimy, shit-throwing monkey I wanna puke. Zakk is the type of savage that people immigrate to avoid. Go read my page on him.

John Petrucci. Almost as fuckin’ boring as Michael Angelo. John may very well be Michael Angelo’s long lost twin brother. John’s 2 hour instructional video is the largest collection of the most utterly useless bunch of sequences and exercise’s I’ve ever seen in one place. Look, if I wanted to hear Paul Gilbert Junior I’d listen to Russ Parrish. John’s phrasing sounds as creative as listening to bricks hit a wall.

Slush of G n’ R…..ugh!! yuck!! Even coming across a picture of him, I swear I can smell his dirty, unwashed presence.

Dimebag Darrell …….one sloppy-ass player. This has nothing to do with the tragedy of him being killed. So, don’t send me your shit.

Herman Li and Sam Totman.   I am a very fair guy. I always give credit where it’s due. Before I cut loose on these two I will say their songs are fun and very enjoyable. Mainly because their bandmates have enough talent to save their asses by creating enough stability to support their bullshit. Herman and Sam are perfect examples and poster boys of two sloppy-ass, fuckin’ rank novice hacks that use delay and chorus effects both set on 11 because they can not play anything clean to save their lives. I liked (and still like very, very much) this type of playing when it was done clean and correctly the first time it came out, in the 80’s!! Watching these two dorks live, puts a knot in my stomach and to think, this is what it’s come to. Herman has very cool hair, maybe he’s got a future as a spokesman for L’Oréal, “After all, aren’t you worth it?”

And of course the legendary masters of suck: Santana, Clapton, Page, Lifeson. I’ve got posts on them here.

Read my other posts and more to come….

On the fence section:

Richie Kotzen… I can’t fairly put this guy in the “who sucks” section, but I sure as hell won’t put him in the positive section either. I suppose he’s in this section called “on the fence.”
         Now, this guy I have a personal issue with that overshadows his playing ability. So, that will heavily influence my comments here, but not enough to be inaccurate about his playing. Richie has a very serious problem for close to 20 years now with chasing women who are already in a relationship with a man (one woman I knew among them), rather than him (Richie), just finding his own, unattached, unmarried, single woman. And, Richie not understanding what it means when a woman says, “no, I’m not interested!,” as one woman told him loudly while in line at the fuckin’ bank. By Richie continuing to doing this, this is an invitation to death.
        Richie started his career signing a deal with Shrapnel Records which was one of the two labels that was the standard operating procedure for shred players to sign with in the 80’s and 90’s. Relativity Records was the other label but Relativity Records treated their talent roster better. Normally, when you sign to a label, it’s for one maybe two albums with an option for another one or two depending how well the first one(s) sell. Richie was being herald at this time as the next Steve Vai, which I instantly thought was as ridicules as saying, it’s nice to French-kiss the back-end of an angry skunk. Richie signed to do not 1, not 2, not even 3, but seven albums with Shrapnel. This is the move of a blithering fuckin’ idiot. But, this is the first of a number of Richie’s major career fuck-ups.
        Richie’s playing style is made up of doing, or ripping off licks and shapes done by other, better players who did it better, and Richie just replaying them. He pulls it all off technically pretty well and pretty cleanly. But, in the end it’s still a lackluster effort. His songs on his first few albums were “okay” at best and I feel better than his current stuff. Richie’s vocals are bland and lifeless, he should stick to guitar only.
        Because of Richie’s constant bullshit antics over too many years, he will never have or be what he possibly, but unlikely could have had and been. So, in the end, he is exactly where he should be, a border line, second rate, hired gun. A hired gun that is only, strictly picked when all the good players are busy with other projects. As harsh as this may sound, Richie is no where near as bad as the rip-off king,  John Petrucci.

Oh! by the way, anchoring your picking hand’s little finger or any finger on the body of the guitar is total bullshit. DON’T FUCKIN’ DO IT!!!  I don’t give a fuckin’ shit how fast some prick plays doing this, he’ll play FASTER picking from the wrist and not anchoring. Pick from the wrist. And stop with the drunken spider fretting hands too!!! One more thing, get your thumb off the top of the neck and having it hang over on to the fretboard!! A guitar is a musical instrument, not a fuckin’ baseball bat, you brain damaged, vivisection monkeys!!

People who only hear fast notes with every shred player have the musical equivalent/development of a kindergartner. The vast number of people who make this “no feeling” statement are really at the baby food stage of musical development. Or, they’ve been repeatedly beaten about the skull with a ball-peen hammer. Another way to recognize these musically illiterate people, is how they hold a spoon or fork, like they’re a 2 year-old child using a sandbox shovel. And, breathe outta their wide-open mouth while eating. For many of you, just look in the mirror.

Another thing, and this applies to so many of you fucks, in fact just about all of you who are under the age of 25/30….. if you fall into this category I’m talkin’ directly to you. Except for MY ENLIGHTENMENT and very rare, fluke exceptions, none of you shit-kickin’, nose-pickin’, paint chip eatin’, snot eatin’, brain-dead vegetables knows what the fuck it means to shred. It goes so far, very far beyond mere speed. Even after I’ve given countless specific instructions both directly and between-the-lines, so many times to you filth beneath my feet, you still feebly try to talk shit. But, really, why should I be surprised.

And, for those of you over the age of 50 or are hung-up on the 60’s hippie bullshit ( and look how well the 60’s “let’s change the world” turned out for all of you. Many of you became the rich, hypocritical, yuppie, capitalist pig’s you claimed to be so fuckin’ against in the 60’s. I love and believe in capitalism and am a capitalist myself. Unlike you fake fuckers, I’m up-front about it. ), if you didn’t understand the shred scene during it’s heyday during the 80’s, which is the BEST and most prolifically abundant and fruitful musical decade so far, you just never will. And that is pathetically sad in it’s own right.

Well, that’s it for now, kiddies. I may expound another time in a new post or increase this one. So, what are YOU going to do? Continue to suck….. or do something about it?

Until next time…..

Love, Crappy  xo

Do you want to know who I am? Who the hell is Crappystruth?? Click this link below to learn more about me.

NO Fuckin’ chick can Rock. Broads CAN NOT Rock and Chick Bands Totally FUCKIN’ SUCK!!

I thought I would deviate a little in this installment of SUCKS to focus on the continuing proliferation of dog shit chick bands. Before I begin, here are MY exceptions to MY rule. They are Phantom Blue (the original members) and Vixen. Phantom Blue was considered a female Racer X, the one and only. And maybe an additional group of females under about 5 total that I’ve heard that have some ability to use an electric guitar. This has nothing to do with male member bands who have female singers, and there are only a few bands that I accept with female singers because these females are genuine powerhouses (these bands to be named later).

Watching a typical group of dingbat broads attempting to use musical instruments is just like watching someone’s pet trying to pull it’s stuck head out of a paper bag. No matter how many times I watch it, I just can’t stop laughing. Chicks, with the rare exceptions, do not possess the physical strength and dexterity to develop the technical ability to play a stringed instrument. Chick bands overall, at best are a novelty but really chick bands are the funniest joke in the music world.

“Hey, Crappy, what’s wrong with girl bands?? I think your head’s up your ass, dude!! Girls can rock just as hard as any guy bands out there. Bonnie Raitt can rock you asshole!! Avril Lavigne can rock!” I’ve heard these and other similar feeble comments that are all based in utter fantasy land. You little “twats” that throw this silly shit at me is like throwing a stick at the side of a 50 story building and expecting some damage to occur.

Besides these typical idiot chicks lacking any form of physical and technical ability, the songs they come up with are just the worst shit. I’m not a fan of The Runaways at all, but I’ll give ’em credit for in some way being original. I’ve found it strange how most if not all butch-dykes are into The Runaways but way more so, other chick bands where the songs are guy bashing. And they’ve got this theme of “woman power” which I find funny. Woman power…..I’m gonna try to stay away from that bunch-a-shit except to say, it was, it is, and will always be….. a man’s world. So get used to it.

Oh, and just a little “secret tip” here for all ya dumb, little, fat and skinny bitches….. chopping off your hair, getting tattoos and piercings won’t change the fact that so many of you are fuckin’ ugly. Be it fat-ass tubs or skinny bean poles it really doesn’t matter. The more of that shit you do to yourselves the fewer guys are gonna want to fuckin’ deal with you.

I personally don’t like tat’s on a chicks lower back, let alone anywhere else on her body. When I’m plowing some chick from behind and I see this, it’s like having a big neon sign I’m looking down on saying, “Eat at Joe’s” or “Toyota’s biggest dealership west of the Mississippi,” I fuckin’ hate it!!! And having piercings through area’s “south of the border” on a chick. When I go “downtown,” on some chick, I want to see, smell, and taste the girl. That’s all. I don’t want to be shockingly and angrily surprised to see “YKK” while I’m down there.

And, let’s not forget how miserable it is to be within 30 feet of a bitter, mean, wretched, nasty and hateful fuckin’ bitch. It’s hard enough for a guy to get drunk enough to charity fuck your ass, but to have to close his eyes and pretend you look okay while putting up with your man bashing bullshit, after a large number of hard drinks is just asking way too much.

Back to the subject. Some names mentioned above I’ll comment on. Bonnie Raitt, isn’t a rocker. She’s another of too many that get confused with rockers by you ignorant twinks. Raitt is a folk/country performer. Occasionally using a distorted guitar tone a “rocker” does not make. Here is some “Rock 101” for ya, an acoustic guitar is used to intro the main body of a song and then coming out of the main body of the song to it’s ending. Or for some songs entirely for an occasional ballad. Also for the biggest abomination, “unplugged.” Yes, anything “unplugged” is the biggest humiliation a rock/metal band can perform on themselves. What’s wrong with girl band’s? I just got done telling you, ya thick headed asshole.

Avril Lavigne…. aside from me having a little interest in plowing her back 40 little ass, the music she’s done is sometimes cute, but mostly goofy. To hear what material this chick would really like to be playing but will never have the stones to do it, you can check out Pintsize at . This material for this style of music which I normally don’t like, really kicks ass. This band is very, very tight as I would expect them to be with world renowned axe-man Paul Gilbert ensuring things are done right while at the same time Paul handling guitar duties.

This chick who’s fronting this band is going by the name “Pint” I have to say really knows her fuckin’ shit and my hat’s off to her. The production of these tunes I’m so happy to say is very good as well. The tunes that are available to hear for free on their site and Myspace page are all soooo strong and so enjoyable I really look forward to getting their CD and seeing them live.

See, that wasn’t so bad! I started off with cleaning your wound that’s called your brain and ended with some edification. This may not be the end of this chick stuff for me, but for now….go …play with yourselves…..and Pint, she’s a tasty one!

Your Pal, Crappy…

The Aerosmith rap/hip-hop connection.

As in my title page I mention the band Aerosmith is somehow in cahoots with rap/hip-hop. This band receiving by me sole credit for opening the sewer gates to the rise of the worst entity creation since Nazi Germany. Now, I’m a hard rock “Rocker” to the core, make no mistake about it. I believe in rebellion, rebellious activities and all around ”fun” that most rock/metal covers along with other styles that cover political stuff (those bands to be named in future posts) and of course fun, loose, by the seat of your pants rock (those bands also to be named later)  and an all around general stimulation and shaking up of things. Stagnation is a killer. Having said this, I must clarify that rap/hip-hop in no way fits into this or any other musical concepts.

What rap/hip-hop does possess is the innate ability to provoke and encourage blind, meaningless violence and death. There never has, nor will ever be anything in anyway, shape, or form that is redeemable about this sewer-rat diarrhea.  I’ve seen how these ex-con’s and soon to be re-incarcerated in state penitentiary savages act at their own award shows. Including the times when it wasn’t reported by the media.  Award shows that reward this sewer-rat vomit only the criminally insane consider legitimate music. These walking shit-pies are below the lowest rung on the evolutionary ladder, both musically and otherwise. There was a time not so long ago when someone was considered an outcast to be just 1/5th  the violent, street-trash scumbag, these full-blown, degenerate, life-long criminals are today.

So, anyway, before we came into the 80’s the music world was saved from the evil creature in the 70’s called “disco” by one of the two greatest bands ever called….. Van Halen (that will be a post unto itself). As bands progressed into the 80’s, musicianship was fast becoming  better and better because of Eddie Van Halen and Yngwie Malmsteen’s pioneering abilities. Rap at this time was looking for a way to legitimize itself before it dropped off the map like other inner city horseshit. It was still in the shitty streets of the larger tenements and slums of major cities along with break dancing and the rest of this low-life bullshit that had it’s days numbered.

At this time, bands from the 70’s were having a lot of difficulty with their feeble attempts at trying to keep up with, let alone compete with these new and very talented bands of the 80’s.  Specifically smokin’ guitar players, colorful front-men and just very good musicianship combined with showmanship, way cool songs and a style that was fresh and very cool. Aerosmith were a bunch of drug addicts which was no secret and they were really, very quickly on their way out. They were copying the younger bands clothes and other things to try to keep up but it really wasn’t working.

The Aerosmith burn-outs were at the “do or die” point of their tired, all-over-with career and were willing to try “anything” to resurrect their exhausted, drugged-out carcasses from the ashes of “has-been’s.” Enter Run McDLT…oops!!…uh…..Run DMC (originally called “Orange Crush”).  I will give credit to the fans of all the fake, poser  popular gutless excuse for rock of today in that at least they are aware of a small portion of rock history. I’ve talked to many people who are up to and well over the age of 30 years old who are very much into rap/hip-hop and not one of these “hardcore rap fans” knows who Run DMC is. Run DMC…..the godfathers of modern-day rap/hip-hop and these bastards don’t even get their comeuppance relatively speaking. Run McDLT should be very proud of this subterranean world of sewer shit they’ve created that’s now above ground and deserve everything their getting…..or NOT getting which ever is worse.

1986 was the beginning of the end.  Run McDLT put out their album Raising Hell with a featured song and sickening video on MTV, a collaboration with Aerosmith entitled Walk this Way a mutilated version of the original piece of shit song off Aerosmith’s 1976 album Toys in the Attic. This was to give Aerosmith an extended career on borrowed time and the chance for scumbag shit-piles everywhere to capitalize on the ever increasing decline of all that was once great and full of hope. To create and market to teens and early 20’s people who in every 6 to 18 months seem to get more and more fuckin’ stupid with every breath. A window that appears to close smaller and smaller as we go along. There are some metal bands that I have no respect for that embraced this abomination in their own idiotic way and reinforced it for a group of years.

The way I understand it to be, 80% of all rap/hip-hop CD sales are made by white kids (when the fuck are they gonna wake up). And in the last 12-18 months sales have been down by as much as 20% if the stats I’ve read are accurate which I sure as holy fuckin’ shit hope. Could this be the beginning of the end of rap/hip-hop? Oh, joy joy!!


Do you want to know who I am? Who the hell is Crappystruth?? Click this link below to learn more about me.