Crappy’s Music Business 101: Episode 1 When Are You Too Old To Rock ‘N Roll? Signs And Reasons It’s Not Gonna Happen

Hello to ALL you bullshit-poser, 2-bit hack fuckin’ fakers and of course my loyal fans!!! At last!! Crappy’s Music Business end of my site. As with “Crappy’s Guitar 101,” my music business columns will also be a limited run of columns, and each one will be up an runnin’ as I complete them (just don’t set your watch by it). Again, as with “Crappy’s Guitar 101” I’ll be covering the painfully fuckin’ obvious as well as, in this case, maybe the not-so-obvious. So, sit back and enjoy my first installment and maybe your gray matter will begin to tingle. Probably for the first time WITHOUT pharmaceuticals!! Lol!!

Crappy’s Music Business 101: Episode 1

“When Are You Too Old To Rock ‘N Roll? Signs And Reasons It’s Not Gonna Happen.”

Yep, it’s a painful pill to swallow. I’ve chosen this subject for my first music business column for the simple reason that everyone needs to know this and no one has ever addressed it.  So, let’s get right to it!

Are You Too Old To Rock?

The answer to this is in two parts. The first is, No, you’re not too old to rock. You can and should rock your fuckin’ ass off till you’re dead. That was easy enough, wasn’t it? Right?

The second part isn’t so easy. In fact, the real question is, are you too old to be a rock star? I’m going to tell you how it is. I–DID–NOT make these rules, I’m only telling you what they are. Rock ‘n roll is a young man’s game. It always has been, and it always will be. The age range for starting, building and having a career in rock, in other words, achieving, rock stardom starts about 15 years old and ends at about 30 years old.

         IF, IF, IF you don’t have any upward and growing movement in your career by the time you reach 30, YOU ARE DONE!  YOU ARE DONE!  YOU ARE DONE!
          Are There Exceptions? Well, sort of. . .
1. If you’re maintaining the momentum you have (meaning it’s leveled off) but it appears that it’s going to increase.
2. Your genetics. Do you look young? No matter what your age is, relatively speaking, if you look to be about 32 or under, nature has loaned you some additional time.
3. LIE!!…LIE!!….LIE!!. If you are one of the lucky ones that looks under 32, or are really under 32 (32 is the bleed off point), get into the habit of NOT TELLING ANYONE your true age. Because you just don’t know who that person you’re talking to knows, is, or is related to. LIFE IS NOT FAIR, so why should the entertainment business at any level and in any form be different?? “The Business” IS NOT FAIR. So, you need to do what ever it takes to get an upper hand.
              Since when does any fucker need to know your age?? Huh?!! The longer you can maintain the illusion you’re young within the above age range, you ride it until “that dog won’t hunt” anymore. If you do say an age, typically, depending on your youthfulness, you can claim to be as much as 10-12 years less than your actual age. After that, your real age and your fake age must move in tandem. Exercise, use facial skin care products and talk to chicks/skin care professionals to find things to help your face and neck look younger. And, shave your face regularly because if you don’t, your gray facial hair will show. And, at some point you’ll have to color the hair on top of that fat head of yours.

People are alike all over. If you look young, but you tell your real age, 98 times or more, out of 100 you will lose the gig to a less competent person because they really are young. People will tell you one thing and do the direct opposite, i.e., THEY WILL LIE!!! So, you are just beating them to it. Every weapon at your disposal you had better use, you sure-as-shit better use ALL of them.

           “What if I can’t pull off this age bullshit or I don’t wanna play this game???”
                If you can’t or won’t play the game, you are done. It’s just that simple. It’s just that simple. 1+1=2, can’t play = You are FINISHED, won’t play = You are FINISHED.
            “Okay, I haven’t made it yet, I’m over 30 and don’t look young. Why don’t I still have a chance???”
          This is why you don’t have a chance. Teenagers are rebellious. Teenagers are looking for a rebellious leader. ANYONE…ANYONE….ANYONE who, even just a tiny bit, looks like, tone-wise sounds like, moves like, acts like, owns something like their parents, teachers, authority figure a.k.a “the man,” those teenagers will stay the fuck away from you, like a vampire stays away from a cross.
             Teenagers will and do identify with someone like them, someone who looks like them, someone who acts like them. Someone who is cool. And, LOOKS YOUNG!!!! If you resemble my parent, teacher, “the man” example above, teenagers will NOT buy what you’re selling. Who did YOU like when YOU were young??? People who were like your parents, or Blackie Lawless of W.A.S.P., David Lee Roth, Eddie Van Halen/Van Halen, Bruce Dickinson/Iron Maiden and Ozzy?? To name a few, and that usually means having long fuckin’ hair. These are the reasons you will not make it. And, these reasons are different from an established act or person.
    “But Crappy, I’m not a dishonest person, I won’t lie and I’m gonna do things my way on the up and up.”
                Okay, knock yourself out, pal. You’re in the wrong line of work. And, if that’s all you got outta what I’ve written here, than you don’t deserve to have any success and you’re a moron. People who are rock stars, made it in some way BEFORE 30, and just got bigger from there. That is what I’m saying. YOU NEED TO REREAD, REREAD REREAD THIS EPISODE so it’s really in your thick, fuckin’ head.
                     “HOMEWORK ASSIGNMENT:”
                  Homework assignment and a dare. I fuuuckin’ dare ya to find ANYONE, any-fuckin’-one who made it after the age of 32 and made it MEANS ROCK FUCKIN’ STARDOM. Someone who was UNKNOWN AND WITH NO UPWARD MOMENTUM AFTER THE AGE OF 32!!! I fuckin’ dare ya!!
                  So, if you’re over 30 and still look believably young/younger under 32, and willing to LIE, you’re one of the lucky ones and you’ve got extra time. So, you better use it wisely to your advantage. If you’re not a lucky one, you’ve always got a future in a tribute band or doing your originals at some local clubs. Yes, you can still rock, just not on the scale you hoped for. Try to find some solace in that. Shit, there are plenty of hot chicks at any age that would still be interested in hooking up with you after the show. There are plenty of young girls who have a “daddy” fetish that would like to “experiment” with you. When you’re done being their “daddy,” you can do their mommy, as in milf. So, don’t off yourself.
                   Happy Rockin’ kids!!!
Crappy!!  xo (smooch!!)
Published in: on January 10, 2010 at 3:42 pm  Comments (4)  

Crappy’s Guitar 101: Episode 6 Choosing a Guitar Teacher and Other Forms of Learning

            See, I’m not about being a vicious tornado of ball busting destruction. Wait…who the fuck am I kidding??!! YOU bet your fuckin’ ass I am!!! Hhhaaaa haa haaaa!!!!!!!!!
           Finding a guitar teacher in today’s world who REALLY knows how to play and is well rounded is next to impossible. Or, slim to none and Slim left town. If you can find a player who can burn, and by burn I mean similar to my definition of this, you are one incredibly fortunate son-of-a-bitch. Now, they CAN be a guy who burns but may not be able to teach you anything other than technique, which is just fine. And, also has the ability to “teach.” (Having the ability to actually teach someone something, impart knowledge to another, really is a talent unto itself.) If that’s the case, that player is worth his proverbial weight in gold. Again, this is based on my definition of a real technician player. Which, by this time, if you’ve been keeping up with my columns, you should have a very good idea what this means. If not, get your fuckin’ ass back to the beginning and start reading.
           If you have the misfortune of living in a one horse town, well, your going to have to make due with some other things that I’ll be covering right here in this installment. Some things can ONLY be learned through human contact. You’re very limited by reading text. You can get a much better idea by watching a video. But, to have someone, one-on-one in front of you telling you, “Don’t do this, don’t do that. Do this, do that,” this is what NEEDS to be done. There is no two ways about it and ABSOLUTELY NO WAY around it.
        You see, I am about doing it RIGHT the FIRST mutherfucking TIME. I don’t like the term “old school” since every rap/hip-hop cock-suckin’ walkin’ pile of pig shit uses this once cool term, but I really am “Old School.” And, you as a player must take on my attitude of doing it right the first time too. Now, if you just wanna play guitar a little, get together with some neighborhood pals and start a garage band and have fun getting shit-faced drunk doing it, then my columns are not really for you. You can certainly get something out of them, but they’re directed at people who want to take music seriously and for it to be their life. Becoming a real musician is a serious business and YOU must take it seriously just as I have. And, not forget that this IS a BUSINESS, and YOU must treat it as such.
          I feel that I’m beginning to get into my new, soon to be started column entitled, “Crappy’s Music Business 101,” so I’ll bring it back to the topic at hand. You need to audition the teacher you’re considering to take lessons from. Did you find him through an advertisement? Did you walk into a music store? Did a friend or some jack-off you don’t know, tell you about this guy? You need to hear this guy go off in some way to get an idea what he can do, and if what he can do is what you’re looking to learn. If he looks pretty good at this point, you may have to actually pay for a few lessons with him to see if he can teach you and is patient with your learning curve. Some guys are kick-ass players but can’t teach you how to spell C-A-T. So, after 1-2 or 3 lessons you will know if you want to continue with this guy, or drop this cock, and continue looking.
          If you can’t locate an instructor, you’ll have to make due with video’s and the Internet. There are many places on-line you can go and I’m sure you know some already. Technically, Paul Gilbert’s videos can give you a great foundation in that area. As for your musical education, you can get a nice, sizable chunk learned at your local junior/city college, and supplement that with the video’s and on-line stuff.
Up next…… Crappy’s Guitar 101: Episode 7 Your Attack
Published in: on December 4, 2009 at 12:10 pm  Comments (1)  

No Fuckin’ Chick Can Rock….Except These….

Hey dipshit!! Before you get too excited, you better read the part 1 of this 2 parter;

The exceptions to every rule concept does exist. Just because an exception exists, doesn’t change the sometimes very painful fact that the RULE is in place and never changing. Thanks to the constant flow of talentless, hacking bullshit coming from all over. The exceptions to my rock rule are here. I’m always open to new music. Anytime I can add to my enjoyable music collection, I’m ready to jump on it. However, these are not new people, but they thoroughly fuckin’ rock. They’ve been around for some time. In fact, in one maybe two cases, they’ve been around since the early 80’s even late 70’s. In this installment of SUCKS, I’m talking about female singers only. They can be female singers in an all male band or female singers in an all female band. The latter being just two bands I’ve ever heard so far. The two all chick bands are original Phantom Blue and Vixen.

I’ll start with the two that I know of so far from the 80’s: Ann Boleyn and Pat Benatar.

Ann Boleyn…..holy shit, this woman can belt out vocals like very few, seasoned male metal singers can. Ann’s got pipes of steel. I prefer Ann’s material with her band Hellion, specifically with axeman Chet Thompson. Ann’s other material with Hellion and later material is good also, and her other guitarists and bandmates are all competent players. The best way to describe Ann’s ability is to hear her on youtube. The other singers I’ll be covering here have some kind of operatic training background, but as far as I know, Ann doesn’t. Which makes her even more unusual. Along with the fact that the others also don’t possess that “metal” sound either. As far as metal vocals go with a woman, Ann Boleyn is a freak of nature. Ann is just a helova talent and sadly, far too often overlooked. In my authoritative view, Ann Boleyn is the undisputed queen of heavy metal.

Pat Benatar…. is an operatically trained singer and it can be heard in her style. Pat sings in a much more popular style but her power and range, I’m happy to say, still come through in the material she performs. Pat has a little gravelly tone sometimes that gives her singing an edge to it as well as that rough tone keeps her separate from the bubble gum bullshit.

Tarja Turunen…. is a Finnish soprano best known for her legendary work with and founding member/lead singer of the symphonic power metal band Nightwish. Tarja is the definition of a vocal powerhouse. This woman, I feel has been able to single handedly bring female vocals of the highest quality to the forefront in a true power metal fashion. Tarja’s musical sensibilities, her vocal melody lines and ability to deliver the largest amount of original, unique and overall creativity and performance I’ve ever heard to date. This woman has crossed the line into supernatural. Tarja has been a huge and main influence on the next on my list….

Simone Simons…. is a Dutch mezzo-soprano and mainly known as the lead singer in the symphonic power metal band Epica. Simone’s vocals are the most beautiful sounds and about as close to hearing an angel sing as I’ve ever heard. When I hear her voice, depending on the tune, I experience a variety of mental pictures including a ghostly apparition to a dark gothic 16th century ghost story to an angelic being guiding a lost child into the light. These are a few of the incredible vocal flavors and melodic landscapes this remarkable singer can produce with her clearly gifted abilities. I’ll use the same word here about Simone, she too has crossed over into the supernatural. After all this praise I’ve given to Simone, the only thing about her vocals that I feel doesn’t quite fit is that her singing for the power metal genre is a little too clean. I would like to hear some slight raspiness in some of her material. Perhaps 3-4 songs out of a 10 song CD.

Honorable mentions:

Quinn Weng of Seraphim from Taipei Taiwan. Very floaty and soft. Not really a metal woman at all, just nice to listen to as a non-metal singer in a metal context.

Beatriz Albert of Ebony Ark from Madrid Spain is fantastic. Beatriz is a complete vocal package. The right amount of well balanced aggression and an undeniable power combined with an unusually unique youthful brightness. This woman’s voice cuts through and takes control of every song with a real conviction that is rarely heard. I’ll even go so far as to say she sometimes sounds like she’s got a slight flavor of Ann Boleyn. Very slight. The one problem that Beatriz has, and it’s a serious one when you’re going to be in the public eye, is she needs to drop 40-50 pounds. It’s not enough to be a great artist, you must look the part as well. This applies to every single performer/entertainer no matter the area of choice.

One band I do want to mention here is Bitch with Betsy Bitch on vocals from the very early 80’s. She’s a decent singer and still looks really good.

There are more, but that’s it for now. These truly phenomenal singers you will check out and realize again, I am always right. You will delve into the symphonic metal world and come across others for yourself. You just can’t go wrong. Now….go!!….Get outta here and find them ya lazy shits!!

Love, Crappy  xo!!

p.s. If you think I’m gettin’ a little soft, you better read PART 1 of this Click the link below:

Do you want to know who I am? Who the hell is Crappystruth?? Click this link below to learn more about me.