Crappy’s Music Business 101: Episode 1 When Are You Too Old To Rock ‘N Roll? Signs And Reasons It’s Not Gonna Happen

Hello to ALL you bullshit-poser, 2-bit hack fuckin’ fakers and of course my loyal fans!!! At last!! Crappy’s Music Business end of my site. As with “Crappy’s Guitar 101,” my music business columns will also be a limited run of columns, and each one will be up an runnin’ as I complete them (just don’t set your watch by it). Again, as with “Crappy’s Guitar 101” I’ll be covering the painfully fuckin’ obvious as well as, in this case, maybe the not-so-obvious. So, sit back and enjoy my first installment and maybe your gray matter will begin to tingle. Probably for the first time WITHOUT pharmaceuticals!! Lol!!

Crappy’s Music Business 101: Episode 1

“When Are You Too Old To Rock ‘N Roll? Signs And Reasons It’s Not Gonna Happen.”

Yep, it’s a painful pill to swallow. I’ve chosen this subject for my first music business column for the simple reason that everyone needs to know this and no one has ever addressed it.  So, let’s get right to it!

Are You Too Old To Rock?

The answer to this is in two parts. The first is, No, you’re not too old to rock. You can and should rock your fuckin’ ass off till you’re dead. That was easy enough, wasn’t it? Right?

The second part isn’t so easy. In fact, the real question is, are you too old to be a rock star? I’m going to tell you how it is. I–DID–NOT make these rules, I’m only telling you what they are. Rock ‘n roll is a young man’s game. It always has been, and it always will be. The age range for starting, building and having a career in rock, in other words, achieving, rock stardom starts about 15 years old and ends at about 30 years old.

    READ THIS NEXT PART SLOWLY AND CLOSELY!!!!
         IF, IF, IF you don’t have any upward and growing movement in your career by the time you reach 30, YOU ARE DONE!  YOU ARE DONE!  YOU ARE DONE!
          Are There Exceptions? Well, sort of. . .
1. If you’re maintaining the momentum you have (meaning it’s leveled off) but it appears that it’s going to increase.
2. Your genetics. Do you look young? No matter what your age is, relatively speaking, if you look to be about 32 or under, nature has loaned you some additional time.
3. LIE!!…LIE!!….LIE!!. If you are one of the lucky ones that looks under 32, or are really under 32 (32 is the bleed off point), get into the habit of NOT TELLING ANYONE your true age. Because you just don’t know who that person you’re talking to knows, is, or is related to. LIFE IS NOT FAIR, so why should the entertainment business at any level and in any form be different?? “The Business” IS NOT FAIR. So, you need to do what ever it takes to get an upper hand.
              Since when does any fucker need to know your age?? Huh?!! The longer you can maintain the illusion you’re young within the above age range, you ride it until “that dog won’t hunt” anymore. If you do say an age, typically, depending on your youthfulness, you can claim to be as much as 10-12 years less than your actual age. After that, your real age and your fake age must move in tandem. Exercise, use facial skin care products and talk to chicks/skin care professionals to find things to help your face and neck look younger. And, shave your face regularly because if you don’t, your gray facial hair will show. And, at some point you’ll have to color the hair on top of that fat head of yours.

People are alike all over. If you look young, but you tell your real age, 98 times or more, out of 100 you will lose the gig to a less competent person because they really are young. People will tell you one thing and do the direct opposite, i.e., THEY WILL LIE!!! So, you are just beating them to it. Every weapon at your disposal you had better use, you sure-as-shit better use ALL of them.

           “What if I can’t pull off this age bullshit or I don’t wanna play this game???”
                If you can’t or won’t play the game, you are done. It’s just that simple. It’s just that simple. 1+1=2, can’t play = You are FINISHED, won’t play = You are FINISHED.
            “Okay, I haven’t made it yet, I’m over 30 and don’t look young. Why don’t I still have a chance???”
          This is why you don’t have a chance. Teenagers are rebellious. Teenagers are looking for a rebellious leader. ANYONE…ANYONE….ANYONE who, even just a tiny bit, looks like, tone-wise sounds like, moves like, acts like, owns something like their parents, teachers, authority figure a.k.a “the man,” those teenagers will stay the fuck away from you, like a vampire stays away from a cross.
             Teenagers will and do identify with someone like them, someone who looks like them, someone who acts like them. Someone who is cool. And, LOOKS YOUNG!!!! If you resemble my parent, teacher, “the man” example above, teenagers will NOT buy what you’re selling. Who did YOU like when YOU were young??? People who were like your parents, or Blackie Lawless of W.A.S.P., David Lee Roth, Eddie Van Halen/Van Halen, Bruce Dickinson/Iron Maiden and Ozzy?? To name a few, and that usually means having long fuckin’ hair. These are the reasons you will not make it. And, these reasons are different from an established act or person.
    “But Crappy, I’m not a dishonest person, I won’t lie and I’m gonna do things my way on the up and up.”
                Okay, knock yourself out, pal. You’re in the wrong line of work. And, if that’s all you got outta what I’ve written here, than you don’t deserve to have any success and you’re a moron. People who are rock stars, made it in some way BEFORE 30, and just got bigger from there. That is what I’m saying. YOU NEED TO REREAD, REREAD REREAD THIS EPISODE so it’s really in your thick, fuckin’ head.
                     “HOMEWORK ASSIGNMENT:”
                  Homework assignment and a dare. I fuuuckin’ dare ya to find ANYONE, any-fuckin’-one who made it after the age of 32 and made it MEANS ROCK FUCKIN’ STARDOM. Someone who was UNKNOWN AND WITH NO UPWARD MOMENTUM AFTER THE AGE OF 32!!! I fuckin’ dare ya!!
                  So, if you’re over 30 and still look believably young/younger under 32, and willing to LIE, you’re one of the lucky ones and you’ve got extra time. So, you better use it wisely to your advantage. If you’re not a lucky one, you’ve always got a future in a tribute band or doing your originals at some local clubs. Yes, you can still rock, just not on the scale you hoped for. Try to find some solace in that. Shit, there are plenty of hot chicks at any age that would still be interested in hooking up with you after the show. There are plenty of young girls who have a “daddy” fetish that would like to “experiment” with you. When you’re done being their “daddy,” you can do their mommy, as in milf. So, don’t off yourself.
                   Happy Rockin’ kids!!!
Crappy!!  xo (smooch!!)
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Published in: on January 10, 2010 at 3:42 pm  Comments (4)  

Crappy’s Guitar 101: Episode 6 Choosing a Guitar Teacher and Other Forms of Learning

            See, I’m not about being a vicious tornado of ball busting destruction. Wait…who the fuck am I kidding??!! YOU bet your fuckin’ ass I am!!! Hhhaaaa haa haaaa!!!!!!!!!
           Finding a guitar teacher in today’s world who REALLY knows how to play and is well rounded is next to impossible. Or, slim to none and Slim left town. If you can find a player who can burn, and by burn I mean similar to my definition of this, you are one incredibly fortunate son-of-a-bitch. Now, they CAN be a guy who burns but may not be able to teach you anything other than technique, which is just fine. And, also has the ability to “teach.” (Having the ability to actually teach someone something, impart knowledge to another, really is a talent unto itself.) If that’s the case, that player is worth his proverbial weight in gold. Again, this is based on my definition of a real technician player. Which, by this time, if you’ve been keeping up with my columns, you should have a very good idea what this means. If not, get your fuckin’ ass back to the beginning and start reading.
           If you have the misfortune of living in a one horse town, well, your going to have to make due with some other things that I’ll be covering right here in this installment. Some things can ONLY be learned through human contact. You’re very limited by reading text. You can get a much better idea by watching a video. But, to have someone, one-on-one in front of you telling you, “Don’t do this, don’t do that. Do this, do that,” this is what NEEDS to be done. There is no two ways about it and ABSOLUTELY NO WAY around it.
        You see, I am about doing it RIGHT the FIRST mutherfucking TIME. I don’t like the term “old school” since every rap/hip-hop cock-suckin’ walkin’ pile of pig shit uses this once cool term, but I really am “Old School.” And, you as a player must take on my attitude of doing it right the first time too. Now, if you just wanna play guitar a little, get together with some neighborhood pals and start a garage band and have fun getting shit-faced drunk doing it, then my columns are not really for you. You can certainly get something out of them, but they’re directed at people who want to take music seriously and for it to be their life. Becoming a real musician is a serious business and YOU must take it seriously just as I have. And, not forget that this IS a BUSINESS, and YOU must treat it as such.
          I feel that I’m beginning to get into my new, soon to be started column entitled, “Crappy’s Music Business 101,” so I’ll bring it back to the topic at hand. You need to audition the teacher you’re considering to take lessons from. Did you find him through an advertisement? Did you walk into a music store? Did a friend or some jack-off you don’t know, tell you about this guy? You need to hear this guy go off in some way to get an idea what he can do, and if what he can do is what you’re looking to learn. If he looks pretty good at this point, you may have to actually pay for a few lessons with him to see if he can teach you and is patient with your learning curve. Some guys are kick-ass players but can’t teach you how to spell C-A-T. So, after 1-2 or 3 lessons you will know if you want to continue with this guy, or drop this cock, and continue looking.
          If you can’t locate an instructor, you’ll have to make due with video’s and the Internet. There are many places on-line you can go and I’m sure you know some already. Technically, Paul Gilbert’s videos can give you a great foundation in that area. As for your musical education, you can get a nice, sizable chunk learned at your local junior/city college, and supplement that with the video’s and on-line stuff.
Crappy…
Up next…… Crappy’s Guitar 101: Episode 7 Your Attack
Published in: on December 4, 2009 at 12:10 pm  Comments (1)  

80’S HARD ROCK AND HEAVY METAL, AND THE ROCK-SOLID, FOUNDATIONAL REASONS WHY IT’S THE GREATEST DECADE OF MUSIC SO FAR. PART 1:

PART 1

           The title says it all. The 80’s were the greatest and most prolific decade of music. What’s also nice, is the 80’s hard rock and heavy metal scene actually spanned more than 10 years. It officially began in 1978 with the release of the most influential and legendary album in all of rock ‘n roll history, “Van Halen” also known today as Van Halen 1. And, this glorious and beautiful time ended as late as the early to middle portion of 1993. We need a little history first. So……
                                THE 60’S
          The 60’s were the freedom movement. Experimentation with mind altering drugs as well as experimenting with what could be done with the analog studio equipment available at that time. Jimi Hendrix and The Beatles played the biggest part in this experimentation. On a side note, I do feel Jimi Hendrix is the godfather and pioneer of what we do with an electric guitar today. I know people who think Hendrix was just a noise maker, which I strongly disagree with. If this is true, that Hendrix was just a noise maker, then, out of kaos comes order. And Jimi is still justified.
           That justification can easily be heard by listening to Edward Van Halen and Steve Vai. Edward refining what Jimi did, and Steve, again refining what Edward did. Steve Vai is a kind of “higher educated” Edward Van Halen if you will. I’m not saying Vai is an Edward clone at all. So, for you cock-suckers who say that you don’t need to know arpeggios, scales or theory of any kind, go tell that to Steve Vai. Steve Vai is the most successful and highest respected guitar player by people who’s I.Q. is in the 3 digits (aka guitar hero and my definition of this) in rock history, second only to Edward Van Halen. And, Edward getting some musical education from his father and at Pasadena City College. Uli Jon Roth is also from the 60’s and continues through today. He played a part in some known players development, but not mine. I do respect him, but I just don’t care for his stuff. Who is Uli Jon Roth? Go do some homework ya lazy pricks! In short, with few “accidental” exceptions that I solely rule on, the 60’s were a bunch of stoned, folk songwriters tinkering with an electric guitar.
                                THE 70’S
             The 70’s. Now, here is where things begin to get a little interesting. To start with…..Boston. This band was just great. They genuinely cared about the sound quality and taking their time (unlike anyone else at the time) to make sure their product was perfectly done. And, it was. Boston was the first band to have absolutely outstanding production quality in every way. And, Boston was the first band to showcase real multi-layered guitars that to this day, are still so beautiful and the starting point for what could be done with multiple guitar harmonies performed perfectly. Not to mention their harmony phrasings are just fuckin’ IT!! Guitar harmonies that no matter what state of mind I’m in, still touch me very deeply.
            Rainbow. The band Rainbow formed by Ritchie Blackmore, that allowed him to do more of what he felt to limited to do in Deep Purple. Black Sabbath who was better with Ronnie James Dio than ever with Ozzy. There were bands in the 70’s, Rainbow among them, that began to use orchestras and in some cases 70+ member orchestras in the recording of the album and to tour with, that was very ground breaking. Things called “Rock Operas” were happening more often. Some names of the time were Phantom of The Paradise (only in movie form as far as I know and is fantastic), Rocky Horror Picture Show both live then made into a film. These concepts along with other things really stretched the imagination of live music and was truly great. What could possibly be a problem with all this great stuff??!!!
             But, there was a problem. The problem was, things were getting just too big. It was no longer about seeing a band. It became something very different and they got lost in the grandeur of it all, and needed to get refocused on the smaller 4- 5 member band format. Which was the whole purpose of a band. Typically, bands of the 60’s and 70’s (with the rare exceptions of course) didn’t have any one person or two people who really stood out in the band. Everyone was pretty much the same and you really couldn’t pick out any one guy and why would you? There was nothing about the musicians that stood out to make you want to know much more. And so, most people knew the bands name but not any particular personality……
  Until….February 10, 1978    The beginning of the 80s revolution.
                    And finally……..THE 80’S !!!!……….
                   “ONE BREAK,…COMIN’ UUP!!!”

Hey Brooke – Are You Ready For Some Football??!!

Hulk Hogan’s daughter makes new career move

HOLLYWOOD , CALIF. – May 4, 2008 – Brooke Hogan, daughter of wrestling superstar Hulk Hogan, showed up at a Hollywood nightclub Sunday so spaced on cocaine and Ecstasy, she thought she had landed the job of middle linebacker for an NFL football team.

 

Wearing a brown football jersey at the Key Club on Sunset Boulevard, Brooke told everybody who would listen that she had been selected by the Cleveland Browns in the third round draft of the NFL.

 

“You think my dad’s a badass?” Brooke told a group of stunned onlookers.  “You think he can kick ass?  Wait till you see my amazon ass on the field up in Cleveland. I know I’ll be a good tackler, because I’ve been eating balls since I was 12.”

 

Brooke was also sporting a beard, which she said would intimidate opponents.  “Thank God I have my dad’s genetics, so I can grow hair all over my body,” she said.  “Of course I shave my fucking snatch so guys will want to fuck me, but I got hair everywhere else.”

 

The five-foot-eleven-inch Brooke said she would be leaving for training camp sometime in June.

 

Do you want to know who I am? Who the hell is Crappystruth?? Click this link below to learn more about me.

 https://crappystruth.wordpress.com/2007/07/03/hello-world/

Hey Vince – Show Us Yer TITS!!

  Motley Crue vocalist shows up stacked in Miami   

 MIAMI – May 3, 2008 – Motley Crue vocalist Vince Neil was spotted on the beach in Miami with a new striped two-piece bikini, a new haircut and two new breasts.  Rumors had circulated for months that Neil had gone under the knife, but on Saturday he revealed to the world his new, more feminine look.

 

“Fuckin-a!” Vince yelled when asked about his 40 C’s.  “I’ve always been a tit-man, and now I got two of the motherfuckers to call my own.”

 

A thoroughly inebriated Neil revealed that he and Crue bassist Nikki Sixx are working on new material for live performances when Neil shows the audience his tits for the first time.  Fans can look forward to songs such as “Tits Tits Tits,” “Shout at the Knockers,” “Jugs that Kill,” “Kicksnap My Bra,” and “Dr. Feel-up.”

 

“The fucking songs are gonna kick ass,” Vince said as he shook his knockers from side to side.  “And the best thing is, after the shows, I don’t have to go find some groupie whore to fuck – I can just lay in bed all night and jack off while playing with my own tits.”   

 

Motley Crue’s first show with the new tits will be June 3 at the San Diego Sports Arena.

 

Do you want to know who I am? Who the hell is Crappystruth?? Click this link below to learn more about me.

 https://crappystruth.wordpress.com/2007/07/03/hello-world/