Crappy’s Guitar 101: Episode 2 Using the Vibrato Bar

Hello again kiddies!!
                              And, here is the next installment of me busting your musically illiterate fuckin‘ asses in the form of, “Crappy’s Guitar 101.”  “Hooray!!!! Thanks Crappy!!!! I have needed my pathetic fuckin’ ass kicked for years!!!! And, you’ve got the size 12 to bury straight up my sphincter into my ribcage!!!!!”
                    Alright, down to the business of using the vibrato bar (a.k.a. whammy bar). I was a guest clinician of sorts discussing and demonstrating the proper use of the vibrato bar. How to accurately recreate the sights and sounds of Steve Vai and Joe Satriani’s bar antics. This was the type of playing Vai did specifically before he began his then, new love affair and procreation with the Eventide H3000, which evolved into the Orville and now the juggernaut-monster-incarnate, the H8000 FW.
                  There must be something genetically malformed in most people who try to use a vibrato bar. Sometimes I wonder if it should be off limits for someone new and even intermediate at guitar, to fuck with a vibrato bar.
The Problem:  Using the bar so it sounds like the user is shivering in -2 degree weather outside.
                  Taking the bar and hitting a harmonic or just a random note and making small, fast, up and down movements with the bar. Now, you’re supposed to be trying to duplicate in someway a real guitar player like Vai, Satch, or EVH’s attempts. “Gosh!! Why won’t it work for me??!!” Well, there are 3 reasons why it’s not working for you, numb-nut!!
1. YOU’RE NOT LISTENING to the artist you’re trying to duplicate.
2. YOU’RE NOT LISTENING to the artist you’re trying to duplicate.
3. You’re not using the full range of movement the bar offers.
The Fix:
1. LISTEN CLOSELY to what the artist is doing.
2. LISTEN CLOSELY to what the artist is doing.
3. Experiment with the wide range of movement the bar has to offer. Exaggerate the notes, making them long.
Even if you don’t have an Edge, Floyd or Schaller-Floyd, but you have the original standard, cheap-crap bridge that came with the guitar, that goes outta tune if you just look at it pissed, you can get some frequencies going. In most cases you should be able to copy fairly close to what their doing if you follow “The Fix”
There, and it IS, just that easy!
Episode 3 Below:
Episode 1 Below:

Crappy’s Guitar 101: Episode 1 Pickup Abusers or Pickup Fuck-ups

          In this new column entitled “Crappy’s Guitar 101” I’m going to talk about the DO’s and DONT’s of guitardom. This will be a limited run of columns and won’t necessarily be a regular column as in weekly or monthly. But rather, when I feel like it. So, for this alone you may want to check back.
         I’ve decided to attempt to teach you knuckle-dragging, cavemen mongrels (if it’s at all possible to teach people so brain-damaged as yourselves) some simple tips, brain-numbing obvious things and general ideas you can implement, to improve your own pathetic playing. Or as I like to call it, your hacking away on that poor defenseless instrument the same as you’re chopping a small tree with a hatchet. Now, playing a guitar well, is not as hard as so many of you may think. Although, for some of you getting that beer or joint to your mouth is a challenge.
         Because playing the electric guitar technically speaking, is relatively simple. There are only so many ways to do it. Most are incorrect. And, I’ll cover these and other things in future 101’s. So, since there isn’t too much to it, unless you’re one of the tens of millions who like to make a mountain out of a mole hill as is done with playing guitar… my columns will be relatively short. My columns will typically (unless otherwise) be broken down into two (2) categories:
1. The Problem
2. The Fix
        Today, I will educate you birdbrain’s about proper use of pickups. When to use which one. What to use when you practice.
        I thought youtube was a great Internet goodie in the beginning. Now, it’s more painful than it is fun when watching some kind of music. It allows me to see just how vast the number is of jack-asses who can’t play guitar, and then are complimented be equally stupid, spectator assholes encouraging them by leaving positive comments.
The Problem:      Abusing the FRONT or NECK pickup. 
This IS the biggest fuck-up I see (AND HEAR!!). On youtube and at any local guitar store.
The name of the front pickup is “THE CHEAT PICKUP.”
           It’s called the cheat pickup because, if you can’t play clean, flip to the cheat to cover up ALL of your mistakes. The low frequency bass that cuts out all of the treble and most of the mid’s, HIDES what you are really doing. And, what you’re really doing is SLOP, SLOP, SLOPPY!!  You are CHEATING!!! You are NOT playing FAST, YOU ARE NOT PLAYING CLEAN. YOU ARE FAKING!!! YOU REALLY CAN NOT PLAY FAST OR CLEAN!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! YOU ARE A LIAR!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! You are lying to everyone listening and most importantly, you are lying to yourself. You putrid fuckers really think you’re kidding US??!!!!!!…..THE EXPERTS!!!!!!!! You LIARS think you’re tricking us, putting one over on us. Bull-Fuckin’-Shit!!!
           The front pickup is a crutch to those who can’t play. To those who can play, it’s just another tool for the creation process of this art form.
The Fix: The Bridge Pickup aka Rear Pickup.
The bridge pickup, DOES NOT LIE !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
The bridge pickup TELLS THE TRUTH !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Using the bridge pickup will EXPOSE EVERYTHING YOU ARE DOING WRONG!!!!!!!!
And, for this reason alone, you will use the bridge pickup EXCLUSIVELY DURING YOUR NORMAL DAILY PRACTICING.  
When you can play CLEAN with the bridge pickup, you then may use the front pickup as desired and NOT AS A CRUTCH.
 Here endeth today’s lesson.
Crappy xo
Click the link here for Episode 2: 
Published in: on April 10, 2009 at 4:03 pm  Comments (2)  



           The title says it all. The 80’s were the greatest and most prolific decade of music. What’s also nice, is the 80’s hard rock and heavy metal scene actually spanned more than 10 years. It officially began in 1978 with the release of the most influential and legendary album in all of rock ‘n roll history, “Van Halen” also known today as Van Halen 1. And, this glorious and beautiful time ended as late as the early to middle portion of 1993. We need a little history first. So……
                                THE 60’S
          The 60’s were the freedom movement. Experimentation with mind altering drugs as well as experimenting with what could be done with the analog studio equipment available at that time. Jimi Hendrix and The Beatles played the biggest part in this experimentation. On a side note, I do feel Jimi Hendrix is the godfather and pioneer of what we do with an electric guitar today. I know people who think Hendrix was just a noise maker, which I strongly disagree with. If this is true, that Hendrix was just a noise maker, then, out of kaos comes order. And Jimi is still justified.
           That justification can easily be heard by listening to Edward Van Halen and Steve Vai. Edward refining what Jimi did, and Steve, again refining what Edward did. Steve Vai is a kind of “higher educated” Edward Van Halen if you will. I’m not saying Vai is an Edward clone at all. So, for you cock-suckers who say that you don’t need to know arpeggios, scales or theory of any kind, go tell that to Steve Vai. Steve Vai is the most successful and highest respected guitar player by people who’s I.Q. is in the 3 digits (aka guitar hero and my definition of this) in rock history, second only to Edward Van Halen. And, Edward getting some musical education from his father and at Pasadena City College. Uli Jon Roth is also from the 60’s and continues through today. He played a part in some known players development, but not mine. I do respect him, but I just don’t care for his stuff. Who is Uli Jon Roth? Go do some homework ya lazy pricks! In short, with few “accidental” exceptions that I solely rule on, the 60’s were a bunch of stoned, folk songwriters tinkering with an electric guitar.
                                THE 70’S
             The 70’s. Now, here is where things begin to get a little interesting. To start with…..Boston. This band was just great. They genuinely cared about the sound quality and taking their time (unlike anyone else at the time) to make sure their product was perfectly done. And, it was. Boston was the first band to have absolutely outstanding production quality in every way. And, Boston was the first band to showcase real multi-layered guitars that to this day, are still so beautiful and the starting point for what could be done with multiple guitar harmonies performed perfectly. Not to mention their harmony phrasings are just fuckin’ IT!! Guitar harmonies that no matter what state of mind I’m in, still touch me very deeply.
            Rainbow. The band Rainbow formed by Ritchie Blackmore, that allowed him to do more of what he felt to limited to do in Deep Purple. Black Sabbath who was better with Ronnie James Dio than ever with Ozzy. There were bands in the 70’s, Rainbow among them, that began to use orchestras and in some cases 70+ member orchestras in the recording of the album and to tour with, that was very ground breaking. Things called “Rock Operas” were happening more often. Some names of the time were Phantom of The Paradise (only in movie form as far as I know and is fantastic), Rocky Horror Picture Show both live then made into a film. These concepts along with other things really stretched the imagination of live music and was truly great. What could possibly be a problem with all this great stuff??!!!
             But, there was a problem. The problem was, things were getting just too big. It was no longer about seeing a band. It became something very different and they got lost in the grandeur of it all, and needed to get refocused on the smaller 4- 5 member band format. Which was the whole purpose of a band. Typically, bands of the 60’s and 70’s (with the rare exceptions of course) didn’t have any one person or two people who really stood out in the band. Everyone was pretty much the same and you really couldn’t pick out any one guy and why would you? There was nothing about the musicians that stood out to make you want to know much more. And so, most people knew the bands name but not any particular personality……
  Until….February 10, 1978    The beginning of the 80s revolution.
                    And finally……..THE 80’S !!!!……….
                   “ONE BREAK,…COMIN’ UUP!!!”


I strongly recommend that all of you go out and buy Eric Clapton’s “Unplugged” CD. It’s one of his best-selling records. I know what you’re saying. You’re saying, “But Crappy, what the fuck am I going to do with it once I get it?” I knew you were going to say that, so I present here the Top 10 Things To Do With Eric Clapton’s “Unplugged” followed by a review of the album.


Top 10 Things To Do With “Unplugged”

10. Pass it around to your friends and tell them it’s music.


9. Throw it down in the streets of Beverly Hills and wait for Ozzy Osbourne to come by and take a piss on it.


8. Set up speakers in your garden and play it to keep snails off the cucumbers.


7. Two words: Toilet paper.


6. Use as picnic plates for very small people like midgets and Cambodians.


5. Punishment for children who fail to do their homework.


4. Play it at your next party and scare the shit out of all your guests by saying it’s the new Van Halen album.


3. Have a shooting contest where everybody gets their rifles and aims for the hole in the middle of the CD. The winner is the person who misses the hole and busts the CD all to hell.


2. Leave on the seats of a bunch of drunk bikers’ Harleys and run like hell.


1. Take a bunch of them to an Eric Clapton concert and sail them at his head each time he tries to start “Tears in Heaven.”



Crappy’s Quality Review of “Unplugged”

Here are all the tracks on this record and a brief description of what each song is about.


1. “Signe” – French for “sign,” here Clapton sings about signs that should tip you off that he is the shittiest musician ever to pick up a guitar.


2. “Before You Accuse Me” – Clapton wrote this song while in jail in Barcelona, Spain, after local authorities arrested him for performing public abortions (also known as Clapton guitar solos).


3. “Hey Hey” – This is a tune about the plight of the American farmer, but Clapton misspelled the word “hay.”


4. “Tears in Heaven” – One of Clapton’s most famous songs, mistakenly considered to be written about his son. Actually it’s Clapton’s prediction of what’s going to be happening in heaven once his no-talent ass shows up there.


5. “Lonely Stranger” – A beautiful ballad about Clapton’s first sexual experience.


6. “Nobody Knows You When You’re Down & Out” – This is a recap of Clapton’s life, dedicated to all six of his fans.


7. “Layla” – Another of Clapton’s biggest hits, this one about a 12-year-old Dominican prostitute named Layla who taught Clapton how to make chipolte sauce and then gave him the clap.


8. “Running on Faith” – A cute song about what Clapton’s been doing his whole career.


9. “Walkin’ Blues” – Like Alec Baldwin said in Glengarry Glen Ross, “It’s fuck or walk,” and Clapton’s been walking since the day he picked up the guitar. Here Clapton sings about his travels as a wannabe musician.


10. “Alberta” – A song not about the Canadian province but rather about a man Clapton once knew named Albert who was a cross-dressing male homosexual posing as a lesbian predator on life’s stage.


11. “San Francisco Bay Blues” – Yet another attempt on Clapton’s part to mislead his listeners into believing he can play blues.


12. “Malted Milk” – This song is about Clapton’s favorite mixed drink: milk spiked with Henry Weinhard’s Private Reserve, which makes no more sense than any of his songs.


13. “Old Love” – Here Clapton sings about income tax preparation, which was the career he was headed for before some evil motherfucker suggested he should take up the guitar.


14. “Rollin’ & Tumblin’” – A song about Clapton’s second sexual experience – and how he had to chase his sister all over the room before she passed out and he could rape her.



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Miley Cyrus Turns Into A Pig

(Miley on tour in Mexico with Mexican translator)

Hannah Montana star transforms herself yet again

GUADALAJARA, MEXICO – May 22, 2008 – For those who for years have called Miley Cyrus a pig – now you can do it in all honesty. The girl who was made famous by her Hannah Montana series and the fact that her old man is a big-shot became a pig Wednesday as horrified onlookers watched.

Miley was in Mexico looking to find new friends who could tolerate her when suddenly she began to shake and dance around. People on the streets of Guadalajara thought she was going to begin an entertainment routine and naturally ran for their homes screaming and holding up crucifixes. Then without warning she turned into a 205-pound gray pig.

“She no look like Miley no more,” said Giuseppe san Lucas de Cordova, a local farmer and part-time seller of ptomaine-infested enchiladas. “All of a sudden she become peeg and look much better.”

Cordova threw a rope around Miley’s neck and began walking her toward the American Embassy in hopes someone there would know what to do with an American pop star who is a pig.

Half-way there, Miley spotted a field of mud and began pulling Cordova toward it.

“She want to play in mud,” said Cordova, who let Miley slop around for awhile before continuing the journey to the embassy. “It is like they say – you can take zee peeg out of zee mud but you no take mud from the peeg.”

Upon reaching the embassy, Miley called her agent and said, “Look, I just gained about a hundred pounds and lost about two and a half feet in height. Get my wardrobe people to create something for me to wear so I’ll still look like a slut.”

(Miley on tour. Miley entering hotel with her assistant in control)

ukraine_pig (16k image)

(Above: Miley greets fans outside hotel.)

(Above) Miley preparing for runway wearing one of the Fall line of D&G sweater/harness combo’s in Milan Italy. D&G nick-name for this special Miley line is “Oink.”

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Hulk Hogan fucks the best friend of his daughter Brooke “Herman Munster” Hogan…GOOD!!!!

Well, I believe it was last year in an interview on CNBC’s “The Big Idea With Donny Deutsch” that Hulk Hogan said while sitting right next to his transvestite-looking wife, Linda, seven out of ten times when he wanted to have sex with her, Linda would reject him. When a broad does this enough times, a man/husband/boyfriend WILL look for it elsewhere. As it should be. Just once for this shit is too fucking much.


When I hear of a man beating the shit outta his wife, I have to ask, What did this bitch do to make a man to feel she deserves a thorough beating? Thirty-plus years ago things may have been different. But today, so many fuckin’ cunts physically abuse and emasculate men, and the laws surrounding women support the fucking-over of men to such an extent, that it’s inevitable that men are more and more often becoming homicidal.


When these stupid broads use their vagina as a reward system, they deserve all the shit they get. I recall the bullshit games that girlfriends have played with me when I’ve been in long term relationships with them, and I’m very sure virtually ALL men at one or more times through out their lives have had some version of this happen to them. It seems this problem is exclusive to American women and women from other countries who come here and become “Americanized.”


I’ve heard countless men tell versions of this fucking bullshit where these bitches say, “After you clean the house / buy me a Mercedes / buy me a new house / buy me a five-karat diamond / take care of the kids / work an 80-hour work week / take me to Vegas for the weekend / send me and my fuckin’ mother on a European vacation that includes a lot of food . . . THEN you can have my pussy once a month – but no blowjobs (unless the food in Europe totally kicks ass). But remember — and I’ll always remind you, in case you forget — I’M DOING YOU A FAVOR BY LETTING YOU FUCK ME!!” Sound familiar, folks??!!!


Or how about, “I’m only doing this for you!” or “I’m not on birth control, so you’ll have to come on my stomach.” or “I can’t be on the pill, cause I’ll gain even more weight than my fat ass already has, and you know I wouldn’t work out anyway.” or “But you’re supposed to love me for who I am inside!” or “Who cares that I don’t give you an erection anymore?” All this, and then you cunts can’t figure out why your skull is molded to the grill of your SUV.


As far as Linda Hogan goes, I don’t know why Hulk would want to fuck her in the first place. I thought he had more sense than that — even though he was supposedly found suckin’ Roddy Piper’s cock through his kilt back in July of 1986.



Linda is the size of a truck. She needs someone to teach her how to apply her makeup because she looks like a circus clown. She probably needs someone to teach her how to suck dick, too.

Hulk Hogan would be a good man for this job.


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Hey Brooke – Are You Ready For Some Football??!!

Hulk Hogan’s daughter makes new career move

HOLLYWOOD , CALIF. – May 4, 2008 – Brooke Hogan, daughter of wrestling superstar Hulk Hogan, showed up at a Hollywood nightclub Sunday so spaced on cocaine and Ecstasy, she thought she had landed the job of middle linebacker for an NFL football team.


Wearing a brown football jersey at the Key Club on Sunset Boulevard, Brooke told everybody who would listen that she had been selected by the Cleveland Browns in the third round draft of the NFL.


“You think my dad’s a badass?” Brooke told a group of stunned onlookers.  “You think he can kick ass?  Wait till you see my amazon ass on the field up in Cleveland. I know I’ll be a good tackler, because I’ve been eating balls since I was 12.”


Brooke was also sporting a beard, which she said would intimidate opponents.  “Thank God I have my dad’s genetics, so I can grow hair all over my body,” she said.  “Of course I shave my fucking snatch so guys will want to fuck me, but I got hair everywhere else.”


The five-foot-eleven-inch Brooke said she would be leaving for training camp sometime in June.


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Hey Vince – Show Us Yer TITS!!

  Motley Crue vocalist shows up stacked in Miami   

 MIAMI – May 3, 2008 – Motley Crue vocalist Vince Neil was spotted on the beach in Miami with a new striped two-piece bikini, a new haircut and two new breasts.  Rumors had circulated for months that Neil had gone under the knife, but on Saturday he revealed to the world his new, more feminine look.


“Fuckin-a!” Vince yelled when asked about his 40 C’s.  “I’ve always been a tit-man, and now I got two of the motherfuckers to call my own.”


A thoroughly inebriated Neil revealed that he and Crue bassist Nikki Sixx are working on new material for live performances when Neil shows the audience his tits for the first time.  Fans can look forward to songs such as “Tits Tits Tits,” “Shout at the Knockers,” “Jugs that Kill,” “Kicksnap My Bra,” and “Dr. Feel-up.”


“The fucking songs are gonna kick ass,” Vince said as he shook his knockers from side to side.  “And the best thing is, after the shows, I don’t have to go find some groupie whore to fuck – I can just lay in bed all night and jack off while playing with my own tits.”   


Motley Crue’s first show with the new tits will be June 3 at the San Diego Sports Arena.


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What is Brooke Hogan???!!

Is Brooke Hogan a man??!! What the hell IS IT??!!!

Is Brooke Hogan a modern day Herman Munster??!!

halloween mask herman munster

” It’s a man, baby!!  Yeah!!”


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Published in: on May 6, 2008 at 12:42 pm  Leave a Comment  

The Donnas Band Member Climbed by Four Swedes with Pickaxes

I wish I had found this story back in December, but better late than never.  This is about Maya Ford of the chick band the Donnas.  All of you dumbass guys out there who think she is hot, you better think again.  Just read what happened to four guys who found her a few months ago in a snow storm in Denver.



(DECEMBER 17, 2008 – Denver, Colo.) Maya Ford, bass player for the punk-rock band the Donnas, was climbed Friday night after a concert at the Pepsi Center in Denver. Two of the four climbers, all of whom are from Sweden, were taken to the hospital with altitude sickness. A third climber even hours later said he still couldn’t believe it wasn’t a gigantic mountain.


“All I see is this . . . this . . . thing, this enormous thing that block the moon,” said Asbjorn Eriksson, 24, a professional high-altitude mountain climber from the city of Gothenburg. “My partners and I had gear with us, so we said, hey, let us make haste and climb it.”


Unknown to Eriksson and his partners, the “mountain” was actually Maya Ford, who had been standing out in a snow storm, signing autographs for fans. With Maya almost completely covered with snow, Eriksson said his team naturally mistook her for a mountain.


“It was very embarrassing to us to find out it was rock star we climb and not Rocky Mountains,” said Eriksson, who has scaled peaks even larger than Maya such as Mt. Rushmore and Alaska’s deadly Mt. McKinley. “I say we call this one Mt. Maya. Next time up, I stick the flag of our country in her ear!”


After the climbers got off her, Maya was enraged. “I can’t help it if I’m a fat slob!” she yelled at her tour manager. “I can’t help it if every time I go to the beach and float on my back, F-14s try to land on my stomach! I can’t help it if my dentist can scrape my teeth and eat for a week! Is that any reason for people I don’t even know to be climbing all over me? No man has ever climbed all over me. And for it to happen in the middle of a snow storm, well, that’s pretty frightening. I need something to eat!”


The two climbers who succumbed to altitude sickness were treated at St. Anthony Hospital and released. Both were unavailable for comment.


The fourth climber, Greger Faltskog, 26, from the city of Norrkoping , said it was a tough climb. After the team navigated past Maya’s pillar-sized thighs and made it around her Grand-Canyon vagina, their entire food supply was lost when the sled carrying it tumbled off the bass player’s ring-around-Saturn stomach. But they pressed on toward the summit, and Lady Luck shined on them.


“When we make it to her neck area,” Faltskog said, “we find part of burrito, chocolate donut and chunk of Butterfinger candy bar on what we thought is prehistoric rock formation. It turn out to be just her necklace, but it do not matter at that time. We were just glad to have the food!”


Sources close to the band say this isn’t the first time something like that happened to the 28-year-old bassist.


“When the Donnas were in L.A. on a break from the tour last year, we all went down to the La Brea Tar Pits,” said Alicia Martin, the band’s publicist. “Well, there were all kinds of school kids there on a field trip, and they thought Maya was a dinosaur that came back to life. Supposedly one of the kids went into shock. The news said that a month later, a 10-year-old girl was still having nightmares about a brontosaurus playing ‘Jingle Bell Rock’ on a ukulele.”


On the band’s tour bus in Denver after the climbing incident, Maya and the other Donnas, Brett Anderson, Allison Robertson and Torry Castellano, talked it over. The other girls suggested ways Maya could avoid another case of mistaken identity.


“You need to fucking lose weight, Maya,” said Castellano, the drummer and the only band member who has had sex with men. “You can’t even get on the fucking bus without using a goddamn crowbar. It’s bullshit.”


Anderson, who is the band’s vocalist, said, “If you get so fat you can’t get out of your house to go tour with us, we’re not cutting the wall off your bedroom like they did for that fat fuck on Jerry Springer. You’re just going to have to stay there and live with yourself.”


Robertson, the guitarist and peacemaker of the band, took another tact. “Look, Maya, we’ve been through all this before. First, there were those kids who thought you were a brontosaurus. Then in Florida, you wore that black and white shirt, and that guy at Sea World tried to get you in a tank so he could train you to do somersaults and spray water at people. And now these Swedish guys climbed you because you’re bigger than the Pepsi Center. I strongly suggest that you commit suicide. You don’t play your instrument that well, you sweat all the time, and none of the guys in the audience like you. I have a bottle of sixty-milligram Phenobarbitals, if you want them.”


At least three of the Donnas will be on tour through March 25.



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